Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards#30: Noel and Jack in Halloween (remake).

We hear an awful lot these days about bullying. People are suddenly all up in arms about kids being bullied. News flash folks, kids have always been bullied by other kids and that’s never going to stop. Michael Myers was bullied. One day he decided that enough was enough, however, and beat the bully to death with a tree limb. You’d think no one would ever mess with him again, right? Wrong. The bullying continued into his adulthood.

This is Noel Kluggs. Noel works at the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium. He’s your run of the mill repugnant redneck prick. Tough guy here apparently takes issue with Michael and Ishmael (Danny Trejo) being “friends.” Something about Mikey rubs him the wrong way. He taunts him, threatens to mess up all of his masks, the only thing he cares about, and be “a shit storm in your worst nightmare.” He sure does have a way with words, huh? My question is, why on earth would you pick Michael Myers as the object of your bullying. First off, he’s already murdered his sister, so you know what he’s capable of. Second, he’s freakin’ huge! Look how much bigger he is than Noel.

In the remake, Michael is played by Tyler Mane. Tyler is 6’8” and 300 pounds of solid muscle. He’s a monster. I’m not a little guy by any means. I’m 6’4” and 330 lbs, and I would never even think of crossing this dude. Plus, he’s in a sanitarium, so he’s obviously a little bit off his rocker. Did the masks not clue you into that? I’d say these are all good reasons to pick someone else to get your jollies abusing.

Noel’s cousin Jack Kendall is no smarter. He’s into raping the female inmates. One night he calls up Noel to get in on the action. Noel has the bright idea to go do the dirty deed in Michael’s room. I’m going to repeat that. Of all the places in the whole place to rape a patient, he picks Michael Myers’ room. Jack thinks this is a swell idea. Incredible. They smack Michael, taunt him, call him a faggot, and rape a girl on his bed, and Michael doesn’t flinch. Then they put on his masks. His pride and joy, and they’re wearing them, crushing them, and knocking them all over the floor. So, how did that work out for you?

Both of these lamebrains got their heads bashed into the wall until they died. So, was it worth it boys? I’m guessing at this point you’d say no if your skulls weren’t mush. Who’s a shitstorm in whose worst nightmare now? Furthermore, they left the door open, letting Michael out to go on a rampage. Congratulations Noel and Jack, you are today’s winners by virtue of your choosing, out of everyone, an insane giant as the guy to screw with. Way to go Dumbasses!


Cash Wampum said...

I get Nate's point on this one but unfortunately none of the characters in the Halloween movies that Zombie destroyed was very believable or likable for that matter. The original Halloween had characters that, despite whether you liked them or not, seemed like REAL people having real conversations in a real world. So these two chuckleheads at the sanitarium were just figments of Zombie's imagination and I took them with a grain a salt. Characters that are THAT reprehensible HAVE to die. As soon as they started acting like morons, you knew they would be fodder for the story.

Fred [The Wolf] said...

Yeah, these two idiots were just there to be killed. Annoying as hell and huge dumbasses to boot. Rob Zombie is a cool director, but his screenwriting needs work.

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