30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 30: Favorite horror character, period!

Once again I find myself at the end of a 30 Day Horror Challenge and it ends with a question that is nearly unanswerable. Favorite horror character? There’s no way in hell I could pick that. One of the great things about the horror genre is that it lends itself to so many memorable characters. Plus, from Leatherface to Captain Spaulding to Julie in Return of the Living Dead 3 to Reggie Bannister to Dr. Pretorious and all the rest, I’ve already written about most of my favorites. So, since there is no way I could pick a true favorite, I’m writing about my favorite that I haven’t gotten to discuss yet. He’s the patron saint of pain, Pinhead.
In my mind, there are really two main kinds of horror, dark fantasy horror and visceral horror. Dark fantasy is the realm of monsters, ghosts, and the supernatural. Werewolves, vampires, possessions, haunted houses, ghosts, and all manner of evil beasties belong in this category. Visceral horror is body horror. Blood and guts, zombies, slashers, butchers of all sorts, mutilations and mutations are what this type is all about. One of the things I love about Hellraiser, the cenobites, and Pinhead in particular, is that he straddles the line between the two better than any other character. He is a demon and has a deep supernatural mythology behind him, yet his focus on flesh and the possibilities inherent in its mutilation kept him grounded in physical blood and guts horror.
He is very different from most other horror characters, especially in the time he first appeared. Hellraiser 1 and 2, Pinhead’s finest moments, came in the mid 80’s. What was all the rage in horror at that time? Right, the slashers. It was the age of the wisecracking Freddy type and the silent but deadly Jason or Michael Myers style. There were really no cerebral characters. There were no horror “villains” that carried themselves with class and poise. Pinhead came along and filled that void as the aristocrat of hell.
There were really two things that set him apart from the rest of the pack. First was the overall feel of the character. This was a character that didn’t jump around like Freddy or plod along like Jason. He almost glides. He’s graceful. You never see a sudden move. Every motion is planned out, measured, and meaningful. Pinhead seems to have discipline. He is devoid of emotion, yet has a little hint about his eyes and actions which conveys an inner sadistic glee and turmoil mix that is compelling and intriguing. Clive Barker’s characters often have that quiet, dignified evil that makes them so much creepier than the manic or lumbering killers that are so common. Candyman, Dr. Channard in Hellraiser 2, Dr. Dekker in Nightbreed, and Pinhead all share the same eloquent, elegant type of menace that really makes these characters chilling. Pinhead takes it one step further, seeming almost regal. He has a truly commanding presence. This is fitting, since Barker has cited his influence for Pinhead’s demeanor as Christopher Lee’s sophisticated portrayal of Count Dracula.
The other is the way he speaks. He is articulate, intelligent, and well spoken. Clive Barker described Pinhead as having “a streak of priestly deportment and high flown rhetoric in him that suggests this is a monster who knows his Milton as well as he knows his de Sade, and can probably recite the Mass in Latin (albeit backwards).” While all of the other major horror characters of the day either had cheesy lines or no lines, Pinhead had great lines. Freddy, the other most quotable horror movie character of the 80’s, was spouting lines like “welcome to prime time bitch” and “how sweet, fresh meat.” Pretty good, but definitely lowbrow. The other wisecracking slashers of the era were on the same page. Now let’s look at some of Pinhead’s classic lines… -"Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell." -"Oh, no tears please, it's a waste of good suffering." -"We have an eternity to know your flesh” -"Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven." -"Just come here and die child, while you still have the option of doing it quickly. " Damn he’s cool. No movie character ever, horror or otherwise, has ever had that level of cool in their dialogue. That’s, like, James Dean cool, but at the same time it’s so chillingly beautiful and poetic that it transcends scary into frighteningly impressive.
While he’s dignified and silver tongued; when it’s time to get nasty Pinhead can slice and dice with the best of him. The hooks and chains were brilliant. Since the fluidity of his motion isn’t sudden enough for stabbing or slicing, huge hooks on the end of chains coming lightning fast out of seemingly nowhere are his perfect weapons. Remember the “Jesus wept” scene? Has Voorhees or Myers or anyone else ever annihilated a body so thoroughly? The tools on his belt suggest that when he finally does get his hands dirty, he’s in no hurry. He’s interested in taking his time and making the agony last. That’s especially effective for those of us who interested in BDSM, taking the “pain as pleasure” concept and taking it to its absolute infernal extreme, effectively using what we’re into as an instrument to scare us. Well played Clive, you old pervert you, well played. He’s mentally sadistic too. He enjoys taunting his victims with the inevitability of what is going to happen. If you pray for help, the last ditch effort of so many, he’s quick to stoke the fire of hopelessness by asking “Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?” He will also constantly remind you that you did this to yourself. You opened the box, and he came.
Pinhead is truly a one of a kind character. He’s intelligent, which I find much scarier than your average kill crazed slasher. He’s not insane at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s good at what he’s doing, and he enjoys what he’s doing. He’s like Dr. Mengele, but with the powers of hell backing his play. He’s got some of the best lines in horror history. He kills without a second thought, and loves every minute of it, but he isn’t evil. He’s beyond that level. Evil is so passé to him. He is a monster in the deepest sense of the word, but overlaid with all of the darkest aspects of human nature. There is not another horror character like him, and I dare say there never will be. In other words, "Gentlemen, I AM pain.” What else needs to be said?

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 29: Least favorite character.

I know, I know. I can hear the collective gasp now. How could I possibly hate on Leatherface? Have I turned my back on my brother? What happened to "the saw was family?" If you missed it you can read about the sibling status of Leatherface and I at this link: 30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 7: Favorite villain (human). Why him then? Why not any random pale, black haired Japanese horror ghost child, the Gingerdead Man, that irritating kid from Childs Play 3, Kelly Roland in Freddy vs Jason, Busta Rhymes (well, the entire cast actually) in Halloween: Resurrection, or any other horror character I’ve bitched about being annoyed by over the years? It’s precisely because Leatherface is normally in my top tier of favorite horror characters. They absolutely screwed the character up in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, however, to the point that I felt the need to pick this character in order to, in some small way, avenge the mistreatment of my brother.

This is by far the worst version of Leatherface ever. I had SERIOUS issues with his portrayal in the remake, mainly stemming from the fact that Jessica friggin’ Beil could take his arm off and he couldn’t start a saw one handed. At least there, though, they kept the spirit of the character consistent with the cannibal butcher we all know and love. This guy in TCM:TNG, however, is not Leatherface as we know him. Not by a long shot. Leatherface is a seasoned killer, a manic, violent psycho, and a generally frightening dude. In this film he’s incompetent at capturing prey, seems uncomfortable with violence, and is an absolute non-threatening doormat.

First of all, Leatherface’s incompetence in this flick completely goes against everything we know about the character. In one scene, he snatches a girl, carries her through the house, places her in a freezer, and turns to walk away. Then he acts surprised and panicked when she opens the door back up. Then he does the same thing again before placing a heavy item (it’s tough to tell what it is) on the door to keep her in the third time. Look, I know Leatherface is supposed to be mentally deficient, but come on. He’s been around this block a few times. Trapping and killing is what he’s good at. He would definitely know that if you place a kicking, screaming, hysterical person in anything without a lock, they will try to reopen it. He’s mentally challenged folks, not stupid. See, I said mentally challenged, not retarded. I’ve already been accused of being racist and sexist, I might as well not be accused of being prejudiced against the disabled too. Jeez people, chill.

Anyway, in TCM:TNG, pardon my French, Leatherface is a straight up pussy. The entire family assaults him repeatedly. Sure, he was on the bottom of the totem pole in the family all along, but he took it like a little brother would; he just kinda growled at them and went on. Here, he cries, whimpers, and cowers. What? Leatherface is basically playing the role of an abused housewife. At one point he gets up to attack Renee Zellweger’s character and she tells him to sit down and shut up. He does it! Even with Stretch, the one girl he loved, he never let his victims call the shots. Here, everyone calls the shots but him. He’s an absolute wimp. That is not how one of the greatest killers in cinema history is supposed to be portrayed. Leatherface always had the air about him that you didn’t want to mess with this sick freak whether he had his saw or not. In TCM:TNG, when he’s holding the damn saw is the only time he’s even remotely menacing.

Which brings me to the fact that he’s hesitant to be violent. He has never had a problem destroying anyone’s personal physical being at the drop of a hat. Here, he whimpers and cries when performing any act of violence. When one of the victims is assaulting Vilmer, Leatherface’s brother, he just stands there, saw in hand, watching nervously, and doesn’t do a damn thing. I don’t think so! Leatherface would have been all over her the second she laid a hand on a family member. When she runs out of the house, Vilmer has to order Leatherface to go get her before he will chase her. BULLSHIT! When she kills a family member, he gives up the chase and starts sobbing and wailing instead of chasing her down and making her pay. That’s not Leatherface type behavior!

Oh yeah, and what’s with this sneaking around crap? Numerous times in this movie Leatherface sneaks up on someone. Leatherface is not a stealth killer. Leatherface is a giant brute who comes at you full force. He’s supposed to be a manic lunatic too. His whole demure behavior at the dinner table is completely out of character. He’s downright dainty for crying out loud! The shrieking is another thing. All throughout the series, Leatherface has made guttural noises, sometimes a shriek, that made him that much creepier. In this one, other than at dinner, he shrieks the whole freakin’ movie. Imagine that you are telling a friend about a woman who constantly screams, but you are overemphasizing the shrillness and annoyance factor to the nth degree to really get the point across. That’s what he sounds like in this flick. It takes about a minute of him being on screen before you just want to yell “For the love of god, would you please shut the hell up?!” Seriously, he’s almost as annoying as Franklin was in the first one. It’s that bad.

I’m not even going to go into how incredibly lame his masks in this one are either. Well, maybe a little. In the first movie, Leatherface had three masks: the killing mask, the grandmother, and the pretty lady. This is them…

All three of them are creepy as hell. In this flick they use the exact same three “characters” for the masks (grandmother, pretty lady, and killing), but look at the masks themselves in the pics from this movie. Not even close. Is there anything even remotely scary about those masks? No. They suck. The images speak for themselves, however, so I’ll leave it at that.

I differ from the vast majority of my movie reviewing peers in that I don’t think that Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is a bad movie. In fact, I like it a lot. The members of the new family (other than Leatherface) are all interesting characters. Matthew McConaughey plays a very good over the top psycho. It’s one of those whacked out movies where you just never know what kind of weirdness is coming next. The flick also has a fun, twisted, brutally sadistic streak running through it. The whole concept of who is controlling the family (don’t worry, I won’t give it away) is a fascinating idea that I’d love to see explored further. The ending has a cool call back to the original classic. I can even forgive the bad acting by some of the younger cast. In fact, the one thing they messed up on was the character of Leatherface; and boy did they screw him up royally. This is the character that the whole damn franchise is based on and they decided to abandon almost everything audiences love about the character. Bad move guys. When I watch this movie, I can only shake my head and be disgusted thinking about how great the flick would have been had they stayed true to the character. What a missed opportunity. If I didn’t love my brother so much, this characterization of him wouldn’t have pissed me off so much. Don’t worry Bubba, I’ll always love ya, and I know that wasn’t really you in this movie. He is one of my favorites, but his mishandling here makes Leatherface in this film my least favorite horror character. You have no idea how much it hurts me to say that.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 28: Character you most enjoyed seeing get naked.

Throughout the two challenges, I’ve been trying to choose answers that aren’t the most obvious and overused one. With this one, though, I can’t help it if everyone else picked this one too. It’s the most iconic nude scene in horror history for a reason. Many a horror inclined boy became a man watching Trash dance on that tomb, but I was originally going to pick something else just because this one was used so much. Then I noticed that while I was thinking through my favorite horror nude scenes, one name kept coming up. So I decided to pick that scene from Return of the Living Dead anyway and recognize the undeniable queen of fright flick T&A not just for that scene, but for her whole…um…”body” of work. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the one, the only, Linnea Quigley!
I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on her. Monstervision was showing Return of the Living Dead. After a commercial break Joe Bob Briggs was interviewing Miss Quigley, talking about her upcoming nude scene and admonishing the TNT censors for “getting’ rid of the boobage.” When the movie started again, it took me a second to realize that the punk named Trash was the same person as the sweet looking blonde I had just seen interviewed. Then she started the whole “Do you ever fantasize about being killed” speech, started taking off her clothes (again), and danced atop a grave lit by road flares to the strains of “Tonight We Make Love ‘Til We Die.” This was basic cable, though, so what I saw was a vaguely human shaped pixilated blob with a head and legs sticking out. I decided then and there that I wanted to see that scene the way it was meant to be seen. It became one of those early “holy grail” movies for me. When I finally got to rent it, I wasn’t disappointed. Linnea’s beauty, the great lighting, the set, and the soundtrack all contributed to the scene’s well deserved mythic status. Sure, I was a little disappointed when I found out that she was wearing a crotch piece, but that did explain the Barbie doll like “smoothness.” It didn’t lessen my enjoyment of the scene, however. As always, sorry for the censored pic, but i am running a semi-family friendly show here.
Then we have 1988’s Night of the Demons, my second favorite nude scene. She plays the best friend of Angela, the goth girl throwing the ill fated Halloween party. After enabling her chum’s stealing of party supplies by distracting the clerks at the store with a little upskirt peek and the following classic exchange… Linnea: Do you guys have sour balls? Clerk: Why sure we do. Linnea: Too bad. I bet you don’t get many blow jobs. …they head to Hull House. By the way, if you’ve never seen Night of the Demons, skip everything between the asterixes so as not to spoil a great scene for you. *** While there, Linnea gets possessed. She rips her top open, which she’s gotten good at doing over the years, and begins to draw on her tatas with lipstick. Then, all of a sudden, she pushes the lipstick through her nipple and into her tit. Poof! Now you see it, now you don’t. Coolest magic trick ever! *** I had never heard anything about the flick when I first saw it, so that scene caught me totally by surprise. It’s quite the effective “oh my god did you just see that” moment. She also appears in the remake with a great cameo that pays tribute to one of her scenes in the original.
She’s had many many other memorable nude scenes. She was stabbed in the neck by a possessed shower head in Witchtrap. Who could forget the topless and body painted “virgin dance of the double chainsaws” in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers? She was naked Sleeping Beauty in her first nude scene in Fairy Tales. Topless Linnea gets impaled on antlers by Santa in the most memorable scene from Silent Night Deadly Night. She’s been a naked soul bursting out of Freddy’s chest in not one, but two Nightmare on Elm Street movies. That’s not even half of them. This is the most complete list of Linnea’s nude scenes I could find.
Strangers Online (2009)
Kannibal (2001)
Sex Files: Pleasureville (1999)
Death Mask (1998)
Jack-O (1995)
Pumpkinhead II (1994)
Heavy Petting Detective (1993)
Scream Queen Hot Tub Party (1991)
Freddy's Dead (1991)
Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990)
Virgin High (1990)
Vice Academy 2 (1990)
Murder Weapon (1990)
Deadly Embrace (1989)
Sexbomb (1989)
Assault of the Party Nerds (1989)
Witchtrap (1989)
Night of the Demons (1988)
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)
Dr. Alien (1988)
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 (1988)
Vice Academy (1988)
Creepozoids (1987)
Nightmare Sisters (1987)
Beverly Hills Girls (1986)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1986)
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Savage Streets (1984)
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Young Warriors (1983)
Get Crazy (1983)
Cheech and Chong: Still Smokin' (1983)
Don't Go Near the Park (1981)
Graduation Day (1981)
Fairy Tales (1979)
Stone Cold Dead (1979)
Summer Camp (1979)
Psycho from Texas (1975)
That’s a hell of a list of credentials. She’s still got it too. Look at that first credit on that list. 2009. That means she did her most recent nude scene at the age of 51. How many actresses do you know of that are still taking it off for the camera in their fifties? Through it all, she managed to be constantly in the buff and often play slutty characters, but never seem like a slut herself. She has an air of class about her, a lot like Brinke Stevens does. These days she is still quite active in movies, but is also a fixture on the horror convention circuit, and is known as one of the most fan accessible of the scream queens. Linnea Quigley, for your outstanding contributions to the horror genre and being a pioneer in the world of on screen nudity, and for embodying everything an old school scream queen ought to be, Son of Celluloid honors you as the first ever recipient of the “Gratuitous Nekkid Scream Queen” Lifetime Achievement Award.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 27: Character you most enjoyed seeing get killed.

This question could be taken one of two ways. One is that the character had the best death, so you enjoyed watching them die. In that case it would be Philip in Nightmare on Elm Street 3. That marionette kill was so cool it didn’t matter if you had any opinion of the character or not. I believe the question was meant, though, as the character you enjoyed seeing “get what’s coming to them.” Who would I pick in that case? Perhaps a really hatable character like Cooper in Night of the Living Dead. Maybe a character that isn’t exactly hatable but is so damn annoying that you’re just glad they can’t talk any more, like Franklin in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Maybe a death that’s poetic, like that baby raper Rasa literally being “skull f**ked” to death in Serbian Film. Maybe it’s a death that is a fulfillment of a real life fantasy, like Paris Hilton’s character being killed in the House of Wax remake. There is one character that I hate worse than all of these though. One who I spent the entire movie close to screaming “JUST KILL THE BITCH!” at the screen. A character whose death is oh so gratifying. Step right up and claim your prize Mrs. Carmody!

The Mist is a seriously underrated flick. Even if it’s only for that amazing kick in the nuts ending, it deserves more mention than it usually gets. One of the things I love about it is that while monsters lurk outside, a human is an even bigger threat on the inside. It’s similar to Day of the Dead. The zombies are the constant threat outside, but Captain Rhodes and his boys are an even more pressing problem. By the way, Rhodes was my first runner up for this question. Mrs. Carmody just edges him out though, because she really strikes a chord in me by pressing one of my huge hot buttons.

I have an immense hatred for organized religion. Without getting into a huge religious debate here, it makes me sick when some person or group exploits people’s natural spiritual curiosity and fear of the unknown. It’s even more reprehensible when they exploit tragedy in order to do so. We could be here all day talking about how much I absolutely loathe religious predators, and Mrs. Carmody is the prototype. Everyone in that grocery store is terrified of what lies outside, and she exploits that fear and makes a grab for power. She used the other people’s desire for a solution and inability to understand what was going on to position herself as a religious leader. After all, the only difference between a religion and a cult is the number of members. Her impassioned, manipulative words that she claimed were from “god” whipped her followers into a violent, blood thirsty frenzy. Sound familiar folks? It’s the same thing that makes fanatical Muslims fly airplanes into buildings or dogmatic Christians bomb abortion clinics. Religious zealotry is a dangerous thing, and those that wield influence over it are almost always pure evil.

Frank Darabont and Stephen King were brilliant in the way they brought this character to life. Her dialog is absolutely spot on. The brainwashing tactics, moralistic posturing, dirty debating tactics, intentional issue confusion, and “us against them” misdirection of religious dogma (and a lot of political dogma) is brought to life with amazing clarity and realism. Marcia Gay Harden also does a great job of playing the role. Sometimes it's tough to know if she really believes something or if it's a devious leadership tactic. That ambiguity took a lot of skill to pull off. She handles the transition from just seeming like a kook to having a little taste of influence and liking it to being the ringleader of a mob in such a natural and organic way that it’s absolutely believable. I spent most of the movie shaking my head, amazed at how dead on the depiction of a bunch of brain dead sheep following the crazy lady because she said god speaks to her was. I expected the rational half of the survivors to take her out at several points. They even discussed the plan long before the moment of truth came. Fellow survivor or not, if someone is threatening the life of the group, sacrifices must be made. I’m talking about “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” sacrifice, not the human sacrifice of a child Carmody demanded. Since so many opportunities to take out the repulsive prophetess had gone by, I was not expecting it to happen when it did. The shot in the gut took me by surprise, and the build to the one between the eyes is short but beautiful. Everyone has issues that, when tickled just right in the context of a good movie, will immediately get them emotionally invested. Mrs. Carmody was that flashpoint character for me, so I enjoyed her death immensely. Here, watch the scene below, and I dare you not to cheer when that repugnant bitch gets hers. The Mist, by the way, gets two severed thumbs up and if you haven’t, you definitely need to check it out.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 26: Character that makes you laugh.

Hello Creeps! Glad you got caught in my little corner of the web. Now, before we slice into today’s question, I know some people have been complaining about my posts being rather gore-adic lately. Once again, technology has feared its ugly head. Scare with me folks. Besides, you know what they say, “people who live in glass hearses shouldn’t throw bones!” I promise bleede... I mean readers, if you hang in there with me; I’ll maggot up to you in the shrieks to come. Now, on with the post. It’s a bloody, beastly bit of blogging I like to call “30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 26: Character that makes you laugh.”

Man, I do love me some Crypt Keeper. He, or more specifically his comic book iteration, isn’t given nearly the credit he deserves for being as innovative and influential as he was. From 1950-1955 he spouted his puns and gory one-liners in the Takes From the Crypt comic, influencing countless future horror writers, directors, and actors. This was years before TV horror hosts started doing the same thing. Zacherly, Elvira, and all the others owe a big debt to the crypt keeper. Magazines like Forrest Ackerman’s Famous Monsters of Filmland and Fangoria have employed the style. I dare say that Freddy Krueger and all of the other smart ass slashers wouldn’t be making wisecracks if the Cryptkeeper hadn’t pioneered the art form. Then he brought the whole thing full circle by becoming an anthology host himself on HBO’s classic Tales from the Crypt series.

Samuel Johnson once said that puns are the lowest form of humor. A lot of people think that way. I could not disagree more. I used to do be a tour guide in Savannah, Ga, driving tourists around in a hearse telling ghost stories. I decided trying to take it too seriously would ruin the fun, so I started telling bad jokes, obviously inspired by the Crypt Keeper myself. In fact, on more than one occasion my tour was reviewed as being like “taking a ride with the Crypt Keeper.” I realized as time went on that a pun getting a huge groan was the exact same as it getting a huge laugh. That’s the trick. There’s a fine line between bad and so bad it’s good in pun humor, especially morbid puns, and trying to walk that line gave me a whole new appreciation for the brilliance of the Crypt Keeper. Those awful puns were great and actually very skillfully crafted. Yes you’d roll your eyes, but you couldn’t help but laugh too.

His great lines wouldn’t have meant a thing, however, if he hadn’t been brought to life so well. Kevin Yagher and his team made one of the most expressive characters ever, despite the fact that half of his face had rotted off. That puppet had personality! It took four people to control it. The face alone had 27 servo motors! The voice was the other crucial factor. John Kassir played it perfectly. He attacked the lines with such gusto that it sold them. The slightest hint of self awareness in his voice would have ruined the tone. He just went balls to the wall with the character, and that’s why he’s so damn funny. That cackle itself is a thing of beauty.

The Crypt Keeper is a truly timeless character. You could plop him down in any horror situation and he’d be gold. How many other characters from the late 80’s do you think could resonate with audiences without having to be “rebooted” or given a modern makeover? I betcha the Crypt Keeper could. There will always be a place for his style of humor. He kills me. There’s really not much else to say, so I’ll let the corpse of the hour end this one himself. Pleasant screams!

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 25: Character you wish you could be.

When I walked out of the theater after seeing House of 1000 Corpses, the first thing I did was throw the horns in the air and scream “DR. SATAAAAAAAAAN!” like Chris Hardwick does in the movie. The second thing I did was turn to Leah and say “I want to be Captain Spaulding when I grow up.” Captain Spaulding is the only horror character created in the new millennium (with the possible exception of the Saw puppet) that I would consider truly iconic. Think about it, what other character since Ghostface first showed up in 1996 can you say holds their own in a lineup with Freddy, Jason, Michael, Leatherface, and the other classic icons of horror cinema? Sure, House of 100 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects were both chock full of memorable characters, but the Captain stands above all the rest. He’s my hero, and I would definitely want to be him. I even was one Halloween, see?

Why would I want to be him though? Well, it boils down to two things, his style and his job. When I say his style, I’m not talking about fashion here. I do not want to dress in clown suits all the time. Then again, they do look comfortable. I spend a month and a half in heavy makeup every year, but I wouldn’t want to do it every day. Then again, I do know women who wear almost as much makeup as Spaulding on a daily basis. What I’m talking about is his demeanor, how he carries himself, and how he speaks.

Remember when you were a kid and you looked at the older kids and thought “he is so cool. I want to be just like that!” That’s how I feel about Spaulding. In the commentary track for House of 1000 Corpses, Rob Zombie describes Captain Spaulding as a “lovable asshole.” That’s very fitting. He’s one of those people that is an absolute prick but is so funny and does it with such style that you love him anyway. He’s a serial killer, but he’s so damn charismatic that you just give him the old “Oh, Spaulding” and a finger waggle. He’s like your cool as hell, crotchety, dirty old man uncle who you can’t hold anything against and will always rule no matter what he does. He’s obviously a villain, but he’s too much fun to dislike. I want to possess that kind of sheer magnetism and that “you like me whether you want to or not” factor.

The things he says also leave me with that “man, I wish I had thought of that” envy. I personally speak fluent smartass and can come up with some unique expressions, but Spaulding is the King. He is one of the most quotable horror characters ever. I can only think of one other character with lines as good, but he’ll come up later in the countdown. We all have that one friend who we like hanging out with because you never know what is going to come out of their mouth. Can you imagine what a riot it would be to hang out with a guy who constantly spouts stuff like “For the love of Jane Russel’s big fat horse’s ass on toast” or “fuck your momma, fuck your sister, fuck your grandma, and most of all fuck you?” If I could come up with brilliantly profane yet strangely eloquent lines on the spot one after the other like he does, I would be rich. Kevin Smith himself can’t write better lines than Spaulding comes up with. Or I could be one of the greatest stand up comics in history.

Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t do either of those things. Why? It’s because Captain Spaulding already has a career I would kill for. I can’t think of a job I’d enjoy more than running a roadside museum of oddities and murder ride. A friggin’ murder ride? Are you kidding me? I love offbeat roadside tourist traps, I love sideshow type entertainment, and I love haunted attractions. Hell, I love fried chicken too. This would be perfect! I want to run a place like that. I’ve always said I would be a happy man if I could find a way to make a living scaring people year round. Captain Spaulding’s living the dream, man, and I’m jealous.

While Spaulding did go down in a blaze of glory along with Otis and Baby at the end of Devil’s Rejects, it would be a travesty if that is the last we see of the character. He could come back. Hell, stranger resurrections happen in horror flicks all the time. It would be a stretch to have all three of them some back. He was in the back seat, so it’s conceivable that fewer bullets hit him. Plus, he’s just too ornery to die. If not a movie of the further adventures of Captain Spaulding, I wouldn’t mind a prequel. Cutter Altamont’s pre-Captain Spaulding adventures are fascinating too. The only problem with that is finding an actor to play a younger version of Sid Haig, and I can’t imagine anyone actually pulling that off. I think the best possible use of the character, however, would be in an anthology show. Imagine turning “Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madmen” into a weekly series with Spaulding as the host. How cool would that be?

I actually did get to meet my hero once. Those of you who know me in real life have probably all heard this story a thousand times, but I’m going to tell it again anyway. It was at DragonCon in 2004. It was about 3am. I had been awake for three days, and I was drunk off my ass and stoned out of my mind, but I remember this moment with crystal clarity. I was walking, well, more accurately; I was stumbling through the hotel lobby, on my way outside for a smoke, when I saw Sid Haig walking with a very large guy who I’m guessing was event security. I decided to run up behind him and tap him on the shoulder. He turned, motioned to the security guy to back off, and gave me a tired, annoyed, “what the hell does this drunk want” look. I told him “Sir, I’m a big fan of yours. I don’t want to bother you, and I don’t have anything to sign, but if you would just say something from the movie that would be awesome.” I didn’t even say what movie. Without missing a beat he rolled his eyes and said in perfect Spaulding style: “Boy, if you don’t get out of my face and quit bothering me I’m gonna put my big clowny foot all up in ya ass!” Then he shot me the trademark wide eyed grin, turned around, and walked off. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Indeed, I wanna be just like that guy. Long live Captain Spaulding.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 24: Character that scared you most.

It’s kinda interesting that this is my first 30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back post since returning from my vacation in Myrtle Beach, because the character that scared me the most did so many years ago when I was on vacation in Myrtle Beach. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think? Anyway, said character was probably just about the worst thing a kid could have seen while at the beach. I guarantee you though; I wasn’t the only one whose vacation this character has completely ruined over the years. Not by a long shot.

Before we get to that, let me state that in my life, I can really only remember being scared by a movie three times. I’m not counting when I was three and went to see Return of the Jedi and freaked out when those bastard storm troopers were killing the ewoks. I wasn’t scared, just sad and pissed off, and ready to join the rebellion myself. The only time I remember being scared by a film in my adult life I was 19. That night I drove for an hour to see a limited release screening of The Blair Witch Project. Of course, I felt really stupid three weeks later when it was in every multiplex known to man. This was before the “found footage” movie became an overused cliché, so while I knew it was a fictional movie, it was impressively realistic to me at the time. There was a pretty dense forest behind my house, and my nightly ritual was to go out the back door, go in the woods, and smoke a joi…er…cigarette, before bed. This particular night, I walked into the woods, took one puff, and began to look around. I started getting an uneasy feeling, seeing all the trees and shadows dancing in the moonlight, and I decided I didn’t want to be in the woods that night. I didn’t want to be in the woods for a couple more nights either. That wasn’t a particular character though. In fact, maybe it was just paranoia. I did do a lot of drugs in those days.

The other two instances of horror characters scaring the hell out of me occurred when I was very young. When I was four, my mother, who would never let me watch anything, for some reason let me watch the TV miniseries V: The Final Battle with her. I was fine with the weird lizard people, but for some reason I flipped out when one of the aliens in human form expanded her jaw like a snake to eat a large rodent of some kind. I’ve gone back and watched it since, and the effects are laughable now; but when I was four that was some freaky stuff. That lizard woman pales in comparison to the character that scared me the most though.

It was either 1988 or 1989, I’m not sure. That would make me 8 or 9 years old. Every summer, my family went to Myrtle Beach. My folks knew someone who rented us their condo for the week. They took the bedroom and I slept on the couch. We only had basic cable at our house, so the beach was a rare chance to sneak and watch some HBO or Cinemax once mom and dad had gone to bed. Don’t lie; you all did it too. I waited impatiently for something I wasn’t supposed to see to come on. I might hear some bad language or see some violent stuff. Of course in later years it evolved into an undying quest for boobs. On the first night of this vacation, however, Jaws was on. All I knew was that it was about a shark, and I thought sharks were pretty cool. I then watched in horror as people were eaten and boats were destroyed, and general hell was raised by the gigantic great white.

The next morning, it was time to head to the beach. I faced a choice, get in that ocean or admit that I watched a forbidden flick and get in trouble. Was I going to get in the water? Oh hell no! Every time I approached the surf, I heard that familiar theme song pounding in my brain. Da dum, da dum. I could just see that shark eying my legs from the deep. Da dum, da dum. Every squeal of joy from someone frolicking in the water sounded like the scream of a swimmer being devoured. Da dum, da dum. It took mom three or four days to even get me to go in the pool. Freshwater was still water, and that shark lived in water. Da dum. Da dum. Needless do say, I spent a lot of time building sandcastles that week. I’ve always loved the water. Swimming, boating, just chilling at the beach, whatever. By the time the next year’s vacation rolled around, I was fine again. For that one fateful week, however, that damn shark had me terrified to even stick a toe in. So yeah, Jaws (or Bruce as he is sometimes known) was the character that scared me the most. Thanks Spielberg, you ruined my damn vacation.

One last note, while he scared the hell out of me that week, the Jaws Nintendo game ended up being one of my childhood favorites. In retrospect, it wasn't much of a game, but maybe, just maybe, subconsciously I was conquering my fear by killing an 8 bit Jaws. Hmmm.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 23: Biggest WTF moment a character placed themselves into.

Again with the damn text abbreviations. Next challenge I participate in, I demand real words only! Anyway, Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror has gained cult classic status because it is 85 minutes of nonstop WTF moments. It’s a lot of fun, it’s pretty gory, and the action doesn’t let up once it gets started, but it has quite the abundance of head scratching moments. Why do the zombies look like they are wearing masks of Fulci zombies made out of paper mache and play-dough? Why is there a bear trap in the middle of the courtyard? Did that zombie just throw a huge nail like a throwing knife and make a shot Bruce Lee couldn’t pull off? Did you just actually put on old dusty lingerie that you found in a random drawer? Did someone really just say “Let the zombies in, maybe they’re not after us?” Is your big finish a freeze frame with nonsensical, misspelled text?

Apparently so. This will be a nigth to remember, so sayeth the Profecy. I love it. This movie is absolutely ludicrous, but it has such a surreal energy that it’s relentlessly entertaining. I would expect nothing less from Andrea Bianchi, the director who also gave us Strip Nude For Your Killer and Malabimba: The Malicious Whore. If you’re a fan of the bizarre side of Italian grindhouse horror cinema, you definitely need to check it out. I could go on forever about this flick, but I think I’m going to do a full review of this one down the road, so I’ll cut to the chase. There is one situation in this movie that trumps all of the others, and maybe any scene in horror history, in terms of sheer WTF-ness.

One member of the horny, clueless band of zombie fodder is Evelyn, who brought along her son Michael. That’s him right there. Michael was played by a 26 year old dwarf named Peter Bark and dubbed over by an adult man trying to sound like a little boy. This dude is straight up creepy. He’s, like, beyond Zelda in Pet Sematary creepy. He’s beyond Reverend Kane in Poltergeist 2 creepy. He’s beyond Zelda Rubenstein in, well, anything creepy. He just might be the creepiest character I’ve ever laid eyes on. Anyway, his clinging to mom has an air of inappropriate sexuality to it. He also ends up walking in on her getting it on with her boyfriend. Instead of staying under the covers, she gets out of bed, covers her lower afro (it was the 70’s after all), and stands there admonishing him topless. Hmmm.

Later, once the zombies start attacking, she sits on the couch, consoling her distraught son. Here is where it gets weird. Michael starts kissing on his mom, feeling her up, and talking about how much he loves her breasts. Seriously. Look at the picture to the left. He’s totally second basin’ it with mom! He gets a hand up her skirt and tries to “give her the finger” if you catch my drift, and mom slaps him and tells him no. Yes, THAT’s where he crossed the line. Mommy dearest, I do believe that we need to have a little talk about boundaries. Michael then gets upset, runs off, and is promptly killed by the zombies.

Fast forward about twenty minutes. Evelyn is among the final three survivors. They’re holed up in a monastery with a bunch of zombie monks, and that’s not even the weird part. Not even close. They’ve fought off the few zombies who’ve gotten in, very badly I might add, when who should come walking through the door but our zombified preteen perv buddy, Michael. He’s very obviously zombified, so Evelyn definitely knows that he’s one of those things that have been trying to kill her for the past day, but she does what any good mother would do. She runs to him, embraces him, lets him pull her shirt open, and pushed his face into her heaving bosom, saying “Oh yes darling, just like when you were a baby. Go ahead, I know you want to.” This scene definitely gets a place in the “Ewwwww” hall of fame. From the looks on the other characters faces while this is going on, I’d say they’re thinking the same thing we are.

What do you think happens next? You shouldn’t have to think too had about it. Evelyn, mother of the year, is rewarded for her incestuous weirdness with this…

Congratulations, you just got half of your tit bitten off by your own son. There is only one thing you can say about this whole reanimated Oedipal cannibalistic misadventure…WTF?

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 22: Villain with the worst motive.

I have to give a little bit of a disclaimer on this one. Normally I’m as accurate as humanly possible when discussing movies. If I’m a little fuzzy on a detail or a quote or something, I pop in the flick and double check. Well, I haven’t seen Urban Legend: Final Cut since I saw it in the theater in 2000. That’s 11 years, and I’ve probably seen at least a thousand movies since then. That’s a VERY conservative estimate. I actually did check with my friends to see if anyone had a copy I could borrow. No one did. Shocker, I can’t imagine anyone actually owning this. That’s ok, I really didn’t want to put myself through that again anyway. I’m not even going to download it. It’s that bad. I did hit up that paragon of reliable information, wikipedia, though. I remember the basic plot and got the details from there, so if I’m way off here, bear with me. Then again, are any of you really going to watch Urban Legend: Final Cut to check? Didn’t think so. Even the cinematic masochist in me wouldn’t go that far.

I don’t remember a whole lot about the flick. Mainly I remember Rebecca Gayheart’s cameo and I remember thinking just how dumb the killer was. Here’s his basic motive. Back when he was in film school, he made a student film and submitted it to a contest for the “Hitchcock Award.” The guest judge hated it and cost him the award. Years later, the guest judges daughter is making a film for the contest. To get revenge for the slight against his filmmaking talents years ago, he’s going to kill off the people making the film, frame the daughter, and take credit for the film himself. This great plot was brought to you by the writing team of Scott Derrickson and Paul Haris Boardman. These guys would team up again the same year to kill a great franchise with Hellraiser: Inferno. Thanks fellas.

On to the killer. Ok genius, it seems we haven’t thought this out completely. Revenge is always a decent enough motive, even if it is pretty petty in this case. Petty vengeance is a staple of movies, and has worked excellently before. Here’s where the whole thing falls apart. First of all, Mr. Critic guest judge is dead. What’s the point of revenge if you can’t flaunt it in the persons face? That’s my stance, but I see how he would want to do it just for his own peace of mind. Here’s the really dumb part. You’re going to put your name on the film and claim it as your own. So what you’ve got is a movie featuring a bunch of actors and crewmembers that are now dead or missing. The last time they are seen alive is in your flick. Yeah, the one with your name on it. What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think the police are going to come to first wanting to know where your actors are? You just made yourself the prime suspect in the murders you’re trying to frame on someone else. Way to go dumbass! This movie got the level of criminal mastermind it deserved. Eleven years after the fact, the only thing that really stuck with me about the film is what a freakin’ idiot the killer was. Now that’s a sign of a quality horror flick. Two severed thumbs as far down as they can go. Nathan says DO NOT check it out.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 21: Character you would need a translator to speak to.

Back in the day I used to have a friend in Colorado that I’d met in AOL’s horror movie chatroom. Yes, it was that long ago. We used to swap bootleg movies that we thought the other needed to see. At the time, that involved mailing VHS tapes to each other. The kind of mail that involves stamps. Remember that? Anyway, we had a bit of a competition going on to see who could find the goriest flick that the other one had never heard of. He told me he’d found something special, and wouldn’t tell me anything except that it was 45 minutes of non stop gore. When that envelope came, I pulled out a tape marked Guinea Pig, popped it in, and was blown away by what I saw.

Now that I’m familiar with the Guinea Pig series, I know that it was the episode entitled Flower of Flesh and Blood. All I knew when I was watching it was that it looked like it was a fifth or sixth generation dub. The graininess and bad video quality added to the excitement, making it feel like I was watching something so forbidden that a good copy might not even exist. There was a guy in a samurai helmet, or, as we called it at the time, the Shredder helmet. Yes, that was a TMNT reference. He had a sedated girl tied to a bed. He would fiddle with the lights, give a soliloquy into the camera, and cut off a body part. Then he would fiddle with the lights some more, talk to the camera some more, and slice her up some more. This continued on and on until she was completely dismembered. It was, and might still be, the most realistic gore I’ve ever seen. This flick is a special effects masterpiece. The way the blood would start out slowly rising into the gash before the flow got heavy impressed me. The way the skin cut was incredibly realistic. So realistic in fact that it fooled Charlie Sheen and he called the FBI. If you don’t know that story, go google “Charlie Sheen Guinea Pig.” It’s hilarious. You’d think a warlock with tiger blood could tell the difference.

There was no plot, just the extremely well executed hacking up of a body. At least I assumed that there was no plot. Why? Because the damn video didn’t have any subtitles! I had no idea what Shredder kept blathering on about. I knew he was saying something that probably explained who she was or why he was chopping her up, but I don’t speak Japanese. He might as well have just been staring into the camera silently. By the time he started showing us his body part collection, complete with cool maggot close ups, I was completely lost. The visuals were really cool, but the voice over was completely lost on me. It didn’t really matter all that much because the whole point was the gore, but I’m a curious guy. It drove me a little nuts not knowing what Shredder was pontificating about. That’s the moment I really needed a translator to talk to him. Just to solve the mystery of what he was ranting about.

Now that I own a subtitled version, I know that I wasn’t missing any plot. The girl seems to be just someone snatched off the street at random. He’s chopping her up because he thinks it’s beautiful. He goes on and on, making “blood as flowers” metaphors and saying goofy stuff like…

That whole voiceover that goes on during the cool body part collection scene? He’s reciting something he calls “The Lullaby of Hell” which sounds like bad high school goth poetry. He’s just rambling about “pool of blood and needle mountains.” Only the Japanese could come up with this kind of stuff.

Now, before anyone takes that as a derogatory comment, I want to state that I love Japanese culture. I find it fascinating. I mean, look at all the cool things Japan gave us; kinbaku (or shibari, whichever term you prefer), sushi, Godzilla, Japanese maple trees, ninjas, deathmatch wrestling, classic Cat III flicks like All Night Long, Shogun’s Sadism, Entrails of a Virgin, Ebola Syndrome, Story of Ricky, and Tetsuo. Hell, I’m even willing to forgive Japan for anime. As much as I love you guys though, you’re a bunch of weirdos. Hentai? Weirdos! Dirty panty vending machines? Weirdos! “Full blossoms from her wrists” and “needle mountains?” Weirdos! I’m not knocking you or your culture, just saying that ya’ll are some whacked out people. Actually, that’s one of the main reasons I love the Japanese so much.

So, the subtitles contained nothing earth shattering, and it almost made just as much sense without them, but at least now I know. Upon first viewing though, I would have given anything for a translator. Just for the record, I sent him Men Behind the Sun next WITH subtitles. I wouldn’t do that to someone. I’m a sweetheart of a guy.

Guinea Pig, by the way, has 6 episodes. They’re all pretty good. The Devil’s Experiment is up there, as is He Won’t Die, but Flower of Flesh and Blood is definitely the best of the bunch. It’s a gorehounds dream. For a long time, it was the movie I would show my friends to see how much they could handle. Two severed thumbs up. Nathan says check it out, unless you’re the squeamish type or the kind that can’t enjoy a chick getting butchered without a bunch of plot getting in the way. In that case, this one isn’t for you, subtitles or not.