HAVOC #2: Stream and Stream Again

Welcome freaks, it’s time for another installment of HAVOC. What? You’re new to the party? In that case, let me explain. HAVOC is the world’s worst acronym. It stands for Horror AVailable for free On your Computer. Anytime I find something good…well, maybe good isn’t the right word, especially considering what I’m about to show you. Lets’s start over. Whenever I find something interesting that you can watch for free, I’ll post it here. Now, when you see the HAVOC acronym and a bad pun about streaming, you’ll know what’s up. Man, oh man, do I have a doozie for you this time.

In 2007, Leah got me a 50 film box set called Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares for Christmas. This set contained some of the worst movies I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, there are a couple of gems. You all know that I love me some low budget independant horror. Hell, I love bad movies, but some of this crap even I found unwatchable. In fact, 4 years later, I still haven’t seen them all. It was one of the best gifts ever, though, because it introduced me to Suburban Sasquatch. It was so spectacularly awful yet undeniably entertaining in that “train wreck” sort of way that it became a rite of passage. If you came to Nathan’s house, you were going to end up watching a couple of choice scenes from Suburban Sasquatch. In fact, it became a bit of a cult classic amongst those in the service and tourism industries of Savannah that way. I still don’t know anyone other than myself who has had the fortitude to watch it all the way through though. Some of the things in the following paragraphs may give you the idea that I don’t like this movie. Nothing could be further from the truth, I love this flick. I just have no delusions about what it is. You can be a gourmet food connoisseur, but sooner or later, we all get those bologna sandwich cravings. That’s Suburban Sasquatch. Cinematic baloney.

Suburban Sasquatch came out in 2004 and is the brainchild of Dave Wascavage. You know it’s a bad sign when 80% of the people credited also have the last name Wascavage. It’s all about Bigfoot rampaging through an apparently very sparsely populated suburban area, while a Native American Mystic pursues him with her magic bow and arrows. Yeah, that’s about it. There are cops, a cover-up, a reporter following the story, blah, blah, blah, but that’s not really important. It’s agonizingly slow and way too long (99 minutes). The acting is awful. The script is beyond bad. Dave Wascavage said in an interview that the budget was $3,500. No, that comma isn’t in the wrong place. I guess it’s impressive that they got a movie out for that. There is such brilliance on display as

1. Bigfoot tearing off someone’s leg. Yet, in the next shot, the person clearly has both legs.
2. An Indian Mystic who lives in a $30 Bass Pro-Shop clearance tent.
3. Bigfoot tears through a CGI door, while the real door is right there on the hinges.
4. The Sasquatch has a really nice rack actually. Seriously, look at the tits on Bigfoot! He’s...kinda hot. Dear gods help me.
5. Did I mention that Bigfoot can disappear and reappear at will?
6. Squatch hits a man in the face, and he falls down with slash marks across his chest. Um, what?
7. It actually had a credit that reads “Blood and gore effects for hunter head removal and pants wetting.”
8. Etc, etc, etc.

The real selling point here is the special effects. These are special effects in the “Olympics” sense of the word special. I have ranted and raved about CGI before, but this is literally and without exaggeration the worst I have ever seen. Remember Mario Paint for the Super Nintendo? It looks like they were done with that. The “practical effects” are almost as bad. You can see the joint hinges on some of the ripped off mannequin limbs for crying out loud. I’m not going to try to describe effects like these; they just have to be seen.

Folks, I am not a cruel man. Well, at least not to you. I love you guys. For this reason I would never ask you to watch this film all the way through. I never expect anyone to be quite as sick as me. If it looks like something you would dig, feel free, it’s right down there. Just know that I’m not responsible for any brain damage, PTSD, loss of bowel control, or any other condition that might result. Cash Wampum, if you thought Sharktopus was bad, you might want to steer clear of this one. Your head just might explode. What I’ve done is give you a guide to the most mind bending, laugh out loud, ludicrously genius moments in the film. Unless you crave that special kind of abuse this whole movie will put you through if you let it (it won’t even give you a safe word by the way), these scenes are all you need.

NOTE: These times are from the DVD. The youtube count may be a couple of seconds different.

9:20-11:20: The fishing attack. This is the second Sasquatch attack in the film, but the first really classic one. I dare you…no, I DEFY you to keep a straight face the first time you hear the Sasquatch’s trademark “Rawr!” I’ve tried. I failed miserably.

14:30-17:30: Squatch finds Little Timmy playing. Little Timmy runs inside, where his mom delivers the classic line “Monsters are (line flub and recovery) not real like the boogieman or your father, they’re not really there” and sends him back outside. When she sees Squatch menacing Timmy, she tries to fight him off with a broom, American Gladiators style. Timmy then convulses as he watches Bigfoot show his mom how his pimp hand be way strong.

32:00-35:45: The police car scene! Hell yes! In what might be my favorite effects shot ever, Squatch picks up a cop car and throws it. I promise you, you will rewind this one shot multiple times. It might be the funniest thing ever filmed. Then, when Bigfoot walks away, the car is exactly where it was before he picked it up. After a minute of hilarious acting, we get an amazing fight scene with Talla, the Indian warrior, and Squatch. It features CGI rock throwing, an amazing arrow shot, and...this is a historic statement…THE WORST CGI BLOOD OF ALL TIME!

38:50-39:30: Actually, this might be THE WORST CGI BLOOD OF ALL TIME! Then Bigfoot tears a dog in half. It’s a stuffed dog, complete with stuffing falling out. You’d think the filmmakers would try everything they could to make it seem like, oh, I dunno, a real dog, right? In a complete reversal, they actually add in sound effects that sound exactly like fabric tearing. Unbelievable.

54:45-55:55: The scene that blew the makeup budget. Pay special attention to the sound effects when Ol’ Squatchy drinks the blood out of the severed leg.

1:03:20-1:07:00: The hunters vs. Bigfoot scene. It’s almost as good as the police car scene. Some highlights include when all of the hunters inexplicably stop shooting and run single file at Bigfoot, and Squatch doing Jax’s arm rip Fatality from Mortal Kombat 2. The best part is when the hunters throw a net over bigfoot. An actual net. In the next shot, Bigfoot is covered in a CGI net that wriggles like it’s made of weird, black, alien worms. Then, in the next shot, Bigfoot stands up and pulls the REAL net off of him. Don’t think about that one too hard. It hurts.

1:22:00: Best explosion in film history.

1:35:00: “Trust in Thee,” the song played over the credits, is AMAZING. Once again, I defy you to keep a straight face listening to it. Interestingly, it’s performed by Loretta Wascavage, who is either Dave’s Mom or Grandmother. I’m not sure. The best part? “Soundtrack available from Troubled Moon Films.” Wonder how many of those they sold.

That’s it folks. If you have the balls to go back and fill in the blanks, be my guest. As one final treat, here’s an interview with Dave Wascavage. Make sure you read it after watching as much as you dare of Suburban Sasquatch. You’ll wonder how he can be talking about the same flick. Also, while you can watch it online, Brain Damage Films has a copy for $9.99. Why would I buy a copy of a movie I can watch for free and already own on DVD? I have three words for you; making of featurette! I hope you enjoy laughing uproariously at Suburban Sasquatch as much as I do. Honestly, if Ed Wood were alive today, I think he would have said “Dave, bro, I don’t know if you should release this one.” Severed thumbs really aren’t adequate to rate this flick. Just leave a comment so I know you survived.

HAVOC #1: And Now the Streaming Starts

It’s time to debut a new feature of the blog that I know you’ll dig. How do I know? I know my readers, that’s how. Just how well do I know my audience? Like, stalker good. Tell you what, I’m going to make three statements about you, and I’d be willing to bet that they’re all true. Ready? One, you like horror. See, pretty good huh? Two, you have a computer. Are you amazed yet? How about this then? Three, you like free stuff. HA! I told you! Kinda scary how well I know you, isn’t it? The 99% of you who those three criteria apply to (gotta allow for an oddball here and there) will, in fact, dig this.

I’m calling this new feature HAVOC, and it’s probably the most ridiculous acronym in history. It stands for Horror AVailable for free On your Computer. Whenever I see cool movies, documentaries, shorts, or anything else that you can stream free online, I’ll post it here. This is just streaming stuff, not downloads. I’m trying to keep it as much on the “legal” side of the fence as possible. So, just remember that any time you see the word HAVOC in the title accompanied by a bad pun about streaming, it means I’ve found something cool that I would like to share with you all. I like sharing with my readers. (Warning, Mickey Mouse Club moment ahead.) Why? Because I like you! H-A-V-O-C.

Anyway, one of the trends that have arisen in the past few years that I like a lot is the growing number of documentaries about the horror genre that are being released. Never Sleep Again, Going to Pieces, The Psycho Legacy, His Name Was Jason, American Grindhouse, Not Quite Hollywood, and Best Worst Movie have been amongst my favorites. Along with these genre or franchise centered retrospectives, certain filmmakers have been getting the camera turned on them lately. William Castle, Herschel Gordon Lewis, and John Waters have all gotten the documentary treatment recently. You can add another fear auteur to that list of names, Don Dohler.

What? You don’t know who Don Dohler is? Well, don’t feel bad. Until I watched this documentary the name didn’t ring a bell with me either. Once they started showing his films though, I recognized quite a few of them. He was responsible for low budget 80’s video fare like The Alien Factor, Nightbeast, Blood Massacre, and Fiend. I also remember seeing some of those on late night TV in my younger days. After taking an 11 year break after the tumultuous distribution of Blood Massacre, he returned to the director’s chair in 1999. In addition, he was a pioneer in the field of independent comics and published a very successful magazine called Cinemagic.

This movie is half about his life and filmography and half about the trials and tribulations he faces while filming his 10^th movie, Dead Hunt. From lead actors dropping out to the set’s burglar alarm constantly going off, it’s an engaging peek into the world of micro budget filmmaking. Anyone who has ever been involved in filming on a low budget will identify with him and his partner, Joe Ripple. These scenes elicit the “friend getting kicked in the nuts” reaction. You know, the one where you say “Oh man, that sucks, I’m so sorry,” yet you can’t help laughing uproariously at the same time.

Dohler’s is a very interesting tale. I think one of the most amazing parts is the incident that inspired him to start making movies. I won’t give it away, but it’s a great story. He seems very low key for someone who has survived for as long as he did in the dog eat dog world of independent film. He overcame a lot of personal adversity to forge his career. Fate certainly threw Dohler more than his fair share of tragedy, which brings me to the end.

This movie has one of the most depressing endings I have ever seen. If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’m not big on happy endings, but this one is a serious buzzkill on a highly entertaining first hour. You all know that normally I don’t give spoilers, and this isn’t even really a spoiler since it’s on his imdb and Wikipedia pages, but for those who wish to spare yourselves this supreme downer of a finale, read on. If you don’t want it spoiled, don’t read between the asterixes and skip to the next paragraph. *** After the Dead Hunt premiere, we get a screen saying that he married his girlfriend, who we met earlier in the flick. After building us up, buttercup, it sends us crashing down. The very next screen tells us that he was diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. After 10 minutes or so of people talking about how they hope he gets well and returns to filmmaking, we find out that he died a short time later. The freakin’ end. See what I mean? Depressing as hell. ***

Blood, Boobs, and Beast takes its title from the classic formula of what a b horror movie needs to be successful. By the way, I’m not sure why “beast” is singular there. “Beasts” would seem to make a lot more sense. It’s not exactly a fitting title, as Don expresses his distaste for having to add these things to his films to get distribution, but it does the trick. It’s an eye catching title, and it is what got me to watch it.

Overall, this is a great look into both the world of low budget filmmaking and the life of a man who made it in that world. Those who make low budget movies will find it familiar, affirming, heartbreaking, and touching. Those who love low budget movies will find out more about a talented but obscure purveyor of the craft. If you want the happy ending, stop the movie at an hour and six minutes in. If you want the tearjerker, let it play. I would normally never advocate not watching the end of a film, but in this case, I think the end was unnecessary and I’m not exactly sure what the filmmakers were going for. Either way, I give this one two severed thumbs up. Nathan says check it out. Besides, it’s free! What have you got to lose? You can watch it in that window down there, or click on over to Hulu and watch it there. Enjoy.