The Five Worst Horror Flicks Of 2012

For the past two years, this is where I've been Mr. Positive and said “I don’t care if everyone else is proclaiming that this was an abysmal year for the horror genre, I thought it was great.”  This year, however, I’m on the “damn, it really was a bad horror year” side.  Don’t get me wrong, 2012 definitely produced some great flicks, but man did it give us a lot of foul film feces too.  I’ll happily take one for the team and sift through it all for you though, Cellmates; because I believe the old adage that without the dark, there is no light.  Without a villain, there can be no hero.  Without nu-metal, there can be no real metal.  In the world of horror flicks, it means that without sifting through a multitude of sucktitude, you wouldn’t find those precious nuggets of badassery.  I’m gonna share said badass nuggets with you starting tomorrow, but first, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least try to save you the trouble of watching these five atrocities.  Ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between…I present to you The Five Worst Horror Flicks Of 2012.

5. Detention

This is a very divisive movie.  It’s actually showing up on a lot of top 10 lists, but it lands on my worst flicks list for one main reason…I find most hipsters unbearably annoying.  Therefore, by proxy, I hate hipster humor and hipster movies like Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and Detention.  If hipsterism ever truly becomes mainstream, then this is what will happen to horror cinema.   That absolutely cannot be allowed to happen.  It’s a film awash in that style of comedy that continually pokes the audience to say “Hey, did ‘ya see that?  Wasn’t it funny?”  If you have to do that, then no, it wasn’t.  Basically, this flick is trying way too hard for snarky coolness.  It’s the cinematic equivalent of that 12 year old sporting a brand new “distressed look” Pink Floyd ’73 tour shirt his parents paid 35 bucks for at Hot Topic.

To be fair, it did have one inspired sequence (the detention room parade of teen eras), but getting to the end of this one became a war of attrition against the movie itself.  If you want to see how it’s possible cram as many references as possible into a flick and actually be funny about it, then watch The FP.  Otherwise, just find a couple of those guys with the skinny jeans and meticulously disheveled hair, get them jacked up on cocaine (note: it might have to be soy-coke) and whatever energy drink the mainstream hasn’t caught onto yet, then listen to them argue for an hour and a half.  That would be roughly the same experience as watching Detention.

4. The Devil Inside

I just went back and looked at my initial review of this flick from January, and I was WAY too generous.  I gave it one severed thumb up.  What the hell was I thinking?  I still stand by my opinion that there is a 20 minute or so stretch of this film that is pretty good.  Unfortunately, it’s preceded by an unoriginal and entirely tepid first hour.  What follows the good portion is what makes it deserving of the vitrol spewed at it by horror fans and its place on this list though; the worst rip-off ending of the year.  Hell, it might be the worst ending in horror history. It just stopped.  No logical conclusion, no closure, no well crafted cliffhanger, nothing.  It just stops.  They actually expected viewers to go to the film’s website for the rest of the story.  As I said in my original review, “Screw that, screw you, screw your ending; and god help us, if that was your way of setting up a sequel, screw The Devil Inside Strikes Back too!”

3. Cold Creepy Feeling

I hate deriding this kind of micro-budget “labor of love” type of flick, but this one was just plain boring.  The problem was that NOTHING happened.  For the first half hour, we watch tedious vacation style “found footage” of a couple driving to their new house.  Then we watch as they explore the grounds and settle in.  Then they start in on a little hanky panky in a haunted house.  Time for the spooky stuff to kick in right?  Not by a long shot.  A spider pulls a little coitus interruptus, and the couple goes to a bar for the next 10 minutes.  When they get home, the girl has a slightly unsettling dream, so we’re treated to them spending 8 more minutes taking turns reading from an online paranormal forum.  Get the picture?  When the film finally gets to the point in the last 10 minutes, it’s too little too late.  The title is the only cold, creepy feeling to be had here.  For the record, this was my first, and to date only, actual two severed thumbs down review.

2. Chernobyl Diaries

You know that third person shaky cam that I always bitch about?  This is the epitome of everything I loathe about that style.  Honestly, after watching the trailer, how many of you thought this was a found footage flick?  Yeah, I did too.  It’s not, but it’s shot like one.  Why would anyone do that you ask?  For the same reason most movies employ this cheap blight on modern cinematography; they’re attempting to create artificial action and tension to cover up for the fact that the filmmakers failed to create any within the actual story.  That alone would be enough to call it one of the worst flicks of the year.  But wait, there’s more.

Leah, my most frequent movie watching companion, is my scare meter.  She’s a pretty easy startle.  After thousands of horror flicks and almost 20 years in the haunt business, I’m too jaded to be a good judge of the effectiveness of jump scares, so I use her for that purpose.  She didn’t jump once.  If you can’t get a rise out of her, you have officially failed in the scare department.  That’s still not the end of the suckage to be had here.

Chernobyl Diaries had one thing, and only one thing, going for it; that great setting.  Chernobyl is creepy as hell.  So what did the filmmakers do?  They set the second half of the flick in a dark underground labyrinth, effectively nullifying the one selling point of the film.  While we were in the ruined city, it was at least kinda cool to look at.  Then again, as spastic as the camera was during all of the “action,” we wouldn’t have been able to get a good look at anything anyway.  Chernobyl is a killer setting for a horror movie.  Hopefully someone makes a decent one there someday.  I saw this one at the discount theater, where tickets are $1.99, and still felt ripped off.

And the winner, er, loser...

1. Area 407

I should have known better.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to subject myself to any more found footage movies outside of the PA series.  I loathe the vast majority of them.  Notice how 3 of my top 5 are found footage flicks and one might as well have been?  Point made.  How did they get me to break my oath and watch a FFF?  They promised me dinosaurs.  It had to be dinosaurs.  You bastards.  Dinosaurs are, like Nazis, bad movie kryptonite to the Son of Celluloid.  I love dinosaurs.  Led by my dino-love, I gave this flick a chance against my better judgment.  Wouldn’t you know it, it turned out to be a bait and switch.  There are less than 10 seconds of dinosaur footage in this movie.  Yes, less than 10 seconds.  To make matters worse, every last shot of the dinosaur(s?) is in the damn trailer!  It’s a dinosaur-less dinosaur movie.  So, if less than .1% - not 1% mind you, but POINT ONE PERCENT - of this flick contains dinosaurs, then what in the green hell could the rest of the movie possibly consist of? 

After the plane crash 15 minutes in, it’s 75 minutes of people pointing into the darkness and screaming “What was that?” and “Did you see that?”  Yes, that’s really all it is.  The whole point of a FFF is realism, right?  Well, let’s just say that you’re in a large, dark area with unknown monsters and someone panics, points into the darkness, and yells “what the hell is that?” What would you do instinctively?  Right, you’d look too.  Not in this flick. The camera never leaves the survivors.  Never.  It’s painfully obvious that the camera operators were instructed to do everything in their power not to catch any of the action, or anything interesting at all for that matter, in the frame.  All of the deaths occur offscreen.  Yup, every last one of ‘em.  Literally all we see is annoying characters yelling at each other, pointing at things we don’t get to see, freaking out, crying, and running in the dark.  It’s as if someone bet the director that he couldn’t make a movie entirely out of reaction shots. 

What we end up with is a movie that not only epitomizes every overwrought, overdone, and played out weakness of the found footage subgenre; but cheats the viewer out of the promised hook, which was the only reason to watch the movie in the first place.  Congratulations Area 407, you are the worst horror movie of the year.  Think about that for a minute.  You were worse than every remake released in 2012.  You were worse than every neutered PG-13 teen thriller that the major studios vomited forth this year.  In fact, you are the first indie flick that this staunch indie horror supporter has named “Worst Horror Flick of the Year!”  I would much rather slap Hollywood around, so don’t ever make me do that again, please.  Basically, I can sum up my feelings about Area 407 with a quote from a REAL dinosaur movie…”That is one big pile of shit!”

Review: Area 407

Recently on the Son of Celluloid facebook page, I made the statement that until Paranormal Activity 4 comes out, I will not watch or review any found footage ghost movies. I believe that everything that can be done with that particular subgenre has been done. Repeatedly. I’m just sick as hell of them. Then, I heard about Area 407. It’s a FFF (which means found footage flick for those of you who are new ‘round these parts) with dinosaurs. Ok, that’s original, I’d love to check it out. Dinosaurs rule! Well folks, after watching this flick, I’m amending my statement. Until PA4 is released I intend to not watch any more FFFs at all. That’s right, I’m done with found footage. If you’re thinking about sending me a screener of your latest found footage opus, first ask yourself “did I make something absolutely earth-shattering?” If not, don’t bother. So, Area 407, what have you got for us?

First the synopsis: “After taking off on a flight from New York to Los Angeles on New Years Eve, the passengers of Flight 37A are soon sent into shock and alarm as the plane experiences severe turbulence. The relentless weather attack causes panic and terror amongst the passengers until the plane ultimately crashes in a remote government-testing reserve, AREA 407. Through footage captured by two teenage sisters, the accident and crash lead to further events that should not be viewed by the faint of heart. As they continue to film, it becomes apparent that the remaining survivors of Flight 37A may not survive the night.”

Before we talk about the actual movie, lets talk about trailers for a minute. Class, what is a movie trailer? That’s right, it’s a tease to make you want to see the movie. You guys have been studying. Basically, a trailer is saying “So, you think this stuff’s cool? Well, this is the free stuff. You should pay to see the rest of the cool stuff that we’re not showing you.” That’s the basic understanding between viewer and trailer. This is going to be a spoiler, which I normally hate doing, but in this case I think I’m doing you a favor. Ready? Ok, here it goes…every shot of the dinosaurs that is in this movie, EVERY SINGLE ONE, is in the trailer. If you watch it, you have seen every iota of dinosaur footage there is. Even the film ending money shot. It’s in there. This movie is sold on the promise of dinosaurs. There’s a huge freakin’ dinosaur eye on the poster. I was expecting what I saw in the trailer to be a taste of what I was to see. Instead, that was all I saw. That’s what’s known as a bait and switch. That’s ripping the audience off. Had they given us one fleeting dino-shot in the trailer and not the money shot, it still would have been a huge let down, but it would at least be playing fair with the viewer. I didn’t come for the shaky cam, I came for the dinos, and that was a damn dirty trick. Shame on you.

Actually, the fact that we never saw the dinos aside from the 10 seconds in the trailer could have something to do with the way this thing is shot. We all expect shaky cam in a FFF. Hell, aside from POV shots in regular movies, it’s the only time shaky cam is acceptable. Here, the little girl filming swings that camera around like a booger that she can’t get off her finger. If Blair Witch made you seasick, have your Dramamine ready before you hit play on this one. We also expect whoever is holding the camera to act illogically and unrealistically in a FFF. That’s kindof a necessity, since rational people would throw the camera down and run, but then you don’t have much of a movie now do you? Here, though, it gets taken to a new level. The characters spend a ridiculous amount of time pointing at weird noises off in the distance or seeing something moving and screaming “What is THAT!” Everyone’s looking. The little girl with the camera, however, is still staring at the other survivors. I want to see what they’re looking at. Why is the one with the camera the only one not looking in that direction? Doesn’t she want to know what’s out there too? When someone does get attacked, the cameragirl seems to be doing everything in her power to point the camera anywhere but at the action. She will intentionally move from an angle where we might actually see something for once to one where our view is blocked just as anything remotely interesting begins. This happens multiple times. If you care enough about this footage that you’re going to risk your life to get it, wouldn’t you do your damnedest to get as much of the action on screen as possible? Apparently not this annoying little scamp. I won’t go into how annoying some of the rest of the cast is, particularly Charlie.

The flick isn’t all bad though. Actually, everything up to the plane crash is handled quite well. We get a good idea of who all the characters are though their interactions on the plane. It’s not in depth character building, but it certainly does the trick. Unfortunately that’s as far as most character’s development really goes. That’s not to say that there aren’t good characters. There are actually two that I rather enjoyed. Samantha Sloyan is excellent as Lois the flight attendant. The way she tries to keep everything together after the crash is an interesting play on what flight attendants are trained to do in that situation, and watching her fight to keep her composure is fascinating. Great performance. The other bright spot is James Lyons as Jimmy. Jimmy is a likable guy, an ex combat journalist in Afghanistan and Iraq, and ends up playing the “hero type” quite effectively. The plane crash itself is handled very well. That moment was a study in making a low budget work for you. That plane crash, without having to have expensive special effects, was as realistically portrayed as any I’ve seen. That was awesome.

As far back as Blair Witch, one of the criticisms I’ve heard people throw around about FFFs is that “nothing happened in that movie.” Never before has that been truer than in Area 407. The problem is, they had so many interesting ways they could have gone with it. The most obvious is, well, dinosaurs. With more dino action, this could have been a lot of fun. That’s the hook for this movie, and if they would have delivered, the other faults could have been easily forgiven. That, of course, was probably a budgetary issue. Maybe they just should have dropped the dino angle altogether and done something they could afford to do right. Lets say, however, that you keep the dino angle. There’s other stuff you can do to make the flick more interesting. You have a character that is a former combat photographer. Why the hell is he not the one with the camera? That’s an interesting angle that I don’t think has been used before. How about digging a little into why there’s a military area housing dinosaurs in the first place? That could have been seriously intriguing. Instead of any of those, all that happens from that excellent plane crash onward is running, yelling, and crying in the dark, along with characters fighting amongst themselves, more running, yelling, and crying in the dark, repeat, repeat, repeat.

This is one of those films with a killer premise that just falls flat. There isn’t any suspense, there’s precious little action, and there’s even less freakin’ dinosaurs. I’m guessing the end was supposed to be some kind of twist. If so it was both badly telegraphed and given away in the trailer. I had such high hopes for this flick. I was hoping it would prove me wrong and show me that there are still things left to do with the FFF gimmick. Instead it just put the final nail in the coffin of my patience with this played out subgenre. IFC distributes some great films normally. Someone must have been asleep on the job when they picked this one up. One severed thumb down. The first twenty minutes are pretty damn good, so Nathan says check that part out. Then go watch Carnosaur instead.

Weekend Upcoming Horror Flick Bonanza: Area 407

You all know from reading the blog that, in general, I'm kinda sick of found footage movies, but here's one I actually can't wait to check out. Remember, when I was talking about Rec 3 I said that I think the found footage gimmick is played out? As long as they keep making money and costing next to nothing to make, though, the market is going to continue to be over saturated with them. What that means to me is that if a FFF is going to catch my interest, it's got to offer something I've never seen before. So many movies are just the same old shaky cam ghost hunt. Well, Area 407 is offering up something I haven't seen before in a found footage flick...dinosaurs. Freakin' dinosaurs! No one, and I mean NO ONE, can deny the sheer coolness of dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are awesome, and that's all there is to it. We need more dinosaur movies in fact. Well, here's the first one in a while, and I for one am excited. Jurassic Activity anyone?

Here's the synopsis: After taking off on a flight from New York to Los Angeles on New Years Eve, the passengers of Flight 37A are soon sent into shock and alarm as the plane experiences severe turbulence. The relentless weather attack causes panic and terror amongst the passengers until the plane ultimately crashes in a remote government-testing reserve, AREA 407. Through footage captured by two teenage sisters, the accident and crash lead to further events that should not be viewed by the faint of heart. As they continue to film, it becomes apparent that the remaining survivors of Flight 37A may not survive the night.

And here’s the trailer…

And, since IFC Midnight is hooking y’all up, here are a couple of clips…

AREA 407 is currently available on IFC Midnight Cable VOD and Digital Outlets (SundanceNOW, iTunes, Amazon Streaming, XBOX Zune, Playstation Unlimited) and in select theaters. Check your local listings to find it in a theater near you (if you’re lucky) or watch it on VOD. I should have a review up eventually. Did I mention that it’s got dinosaurs in it? Dinosaurs rule!