2013 Wrap Up: Year End Awards And 20 More Great Films From Last Year

2013 was a damn good year for horror, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Sure there as some real crap out in theaters, but this was probably the best year for major theatrical release horror we’ve had since I started the blog.  Of course, the indie scene gave us more than enough killer flicks to make 2013 a cause to celebrate.   I think it's only fair to recognize a few of those that brought me so much enjoyment.  Now, on to the first annual Son of Celluloid Year End Awards.

Best Non-Horror Flick – The World’s End 
The end of the Cornetto Trilogy has taken on horror and action, so they decided to go out on a sci-fi note  The flick definitely delivered the laughs albeit in a more mature way than Shaun or Fuzz.  This one hit a little close to home, but it was a blast.  The World’s End is everything you hoped it would be.

Runner Up: The Wolf Of Wall Street

 

Best Actor – Mike Nall as Charles Lake in I Am No One 
Director Jason Hoover tells me that Mike isn’t an actor by trade.  "He's just a dude that was willing to go to the edge with me.”  This character immersion technique worked like a charm though, ‘cause he’s genuinely scary.  He’s perfected that chilling “is he really calm or is he just coiled to strike?” delivery.  The finale of I Am No One is the best single scene from any indie flick this year.

Runners up: Lance Henriksen (It’s In The Blood), Sean Pertwee (The Seasoning House)

Best Actress – Rosie Day as Angel in The Seasoning House 
At only 19, Rosie shows the acting chops of a seasoned professional. See what I did there? Anyway, she burst onto the horror scene this year with an incredible pantomime performance as a deaf/mute girl forced to work in a sex-slave whorehouse.  She might just have the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen.  Rosie has everything it takes to be a horror star.

Runners Up: Katherine Isabelle (American Mary), Ambyr Childers (We Are What We Are)

Hottest Actress – Hannah Hughes (V/H/S/2
 A pale, gothy redhead with sexy lips, pretty eyes, a nice rack, and a dirty mouth?  Yeah, that’s my type.  She’s totally worth dealing with those homicidal ghosts following her around.

Runners Up : Miriam Giovanelli in Dracula 3D, Jennifer Tilly (Curse of Chucky)

 Best Monster Design – Frankenstein’s Army 
Whether or not you dug this flick (and I can’t see how you couldn’t), you can’t deny that those mechanical zombie bastards are some cool ass monsters.  Finally someone found a way to incorporate steampunk into horror and it not suck.

Runners Up: Beatress (American Mary), Bad Milo (Bad Milo) 

Funniest Scene – “Put ‘em on the glass” – The Battery 

Poor Mickey is trapped in the car during a zombie attack, but as the busty zombie presses against the window, he can’t help but do what comes natural.  

Runner Up: “Wire catches arrow” (You’re Next) 

Best Quote – “I want you to f**k me on this bed next to your dead mother.” –  Wendy Glenn in You’re Next 

Kinky.  I like it.  

 Runner Up: “Can I stab her anywhere?” – Sasha Gray in Would You Rather

Best Kiss – Kiss of the Damned 
As a child of the MTV era, I believe that this has to be a category in any movie awards.  Anyway, I seem to be the only person who was highly disappointed with this flick, but there were a couple of cool shots and a kiss through the space of a chain locked door was my favorite.

Runner Up: “Wait ‘til Dad finds out” – We Are What We Are, Various girl on gorl makeouts – Embrace of the Vampire 

Best Sex Scene – Here Comes The Devil 

Felix lets his fingers do the walking as he and Sol breathily discuss their early sexual experiences in the car.  I ain’t gonna lie, that scene is hot as hell.

Runner Up: Emasculating a douchebag (Alyce)

Best Nude Scene – Riki Lindhome in Hell Baby 

There was some great onscreen nudity this year that went for the sexy, but my favorite scene went for the laughs.  Riki stands there naked for a good 3 minutes chit chatting and making her brother in law very uncomfortable in a hilarious scene.  I’d commend her for having the balls to do it, but, well…

Runners Up: Hannah Hughes (V/H/S/2), Asia Argento (Dracula 3D), Strip Club Scene in Cool As Hell

 

Best Performance By A Madagascar Hissing Cockroach – All Hallow’s Eve
 You should know that when a clown hands you flowers, there’s gonna be a surprise inside.  In this case, it was one of these little guys.  It’s always nice to see maddies in a flick.  Hopefully some of my babies will make it to the silver screen.

Runner Up: Dracula 3D

Best DVD/Blu-ray release – The Vincent Price Collection (Shout Factory) 
It’s nice to have the master’s work in hi-def, but the real selling point here is the extras.  Vintage intros and interviews team up with copious commentaries to make this the definitive versions of six Price classics.

Runner Up: Crystal Lake Memories (1428 Films)

Potential Icon Award – Art the Clown (All Hallow’s Eve) 
Coulrophobia is common, so this creepy clown could absolutely bring nightmares to the masses.  Whether it's more anthologies or a feature, he needs to come back.  I can see him on tshirts and being cosplayed (I hate that word) at horror cons.

Runner Up – Bad Milo (Bad Milo), Animal Mask Killers (You’re Next)

Best Soundtrack – Cool As Hell 
I think it’s safe to say that a James Balsamo movie is going to win in this category every year he makes one.  The theme song by the almighty Bloodsucking Zombies From Outer Space would clinch the win by itself, but the movie also features tunes by The Other, Nightmare Sonata, Order of the Fly, and Calabrese to name just a few.  The man has great taste in music.

Runners Up: Lords Of Salem, The Battery

And the big one, the most important award of the year…

Best Kill/Death Scene – Chainsaw Facef**k – Evil Dead 
If that isn’t already a Cannibal Corpse song title, they need to get right on that.  Evil Dead was a divisive movie among horror fans.  In fact, it seemed to split them right down the middle, just like a chainsaw would a deadite’s head.  The glorious splatterfest had a bevy of great kills, but this long, loving bisection (complete with a nod to Ash and a roaring fire in the background) got the theater cheering and applauding more than any other at the screening I went to.  Rarely have I seen my favorite power tool put to such good, and messy, use.  The saw is family. 

Runners Up: Knife through the cheek – The Seasoning House, Herschel’s Last Grin – The Walking Dead, Eyeball and Genital Mutilation – Play Me, Face Off – Maniac, Family Dinner – We Are What We Are, Nut Cracker – I Spit On Your Grave 2 

Ok, one more thing before we lay 2013 to rest.  Recently I read a couple of reviewers (the kind that get off on ripping stuff to shreds) say that they had a hard time even finding 10 good horror flicks from the last year to make a “best of” list.  I‘m calling bullshit.  On facebook I said that I could easily name 20 flicks I would recommend.  Well, I’ve decided that I can go one better.  You’ve already read my top 10 (HERE and HERE if you’ve been slacking), so here’s a list of 20 on top of that.  That’s 30 flicks from 2013 that I wholeheartedly recommend.  Take that you “I hate everything” jackasses.  Here we go… 

Frankenstein’s Army – A found footage WWII flick?  Yep, and it’s fun as hell.  The last half is like running through a haunted attraction. 

Evil Dead – Put your remake hate away for a minute and just enjoy the gory fun.  Blood, blood, and more blood! 

Lords of Salem – Rob Zombie’s hallucinatory nightmare divided viewers, but if you just give in and go for the ride, I think you’ll dig it.  It even gets better with repeated viewings. 

I Am No One – If you mixed the mechanics of Man Bites Dog with the atmosphere of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, the result would be I Am No One. 

Hidden in the Woods – Sleazy exploitation fun from Chile.  Blood, boobs, cannibalism, drugs, and chainsaws. 

Curse of Chucky – I know it’s heresy, but this just might be my favorite non-comedy Chucky flick.  Why this one didn’t hit theaters is beyond me. 

American Mary -  The Soska Sisters come out swinging with their sophomore effort.  It’s visually stunning and features a great performance from Katherine Isabelle.  

100 Bloody Acres – Keeping Australia on the genre film map with a great horror comedy. 

Gut – Killer indie flick with a great creep factor.  A man is getting snuff films in the mail… and starts recognizing the victims. 

Sightseers – Well written and well acted pitch black comedy from England.  When she agreed to go on a holiday with him, she didn’t know he was a killer. 

Contracted – A sexual encounter at a party leaves a young woman with a bizarre disease.  Nasty infection horror.  Good stuff… just ignore the last two minutes. 

Alyce – What would you do if your victim turned out to not be dead after all?  A nice descent into madness.  Most of my horror chick friends really dug this one. 

You’re Next – A lot of people touted the suspense.  Personally, I think it was one of the best comedies of the year. 

Dead Woman’s Hollow – Atmospheric backwoods/small town horror with some great performances and a killer finale. 

Cool As Hell – The prolific James Balsamo brings his usual gory, irreverent, cameo packed madness to this horror comedy.  Troma-esque in a good way.

The Collective Vol. 6 – Another great collection of themed shorts from Jabb Pictures featuring a short version of “I Am No One” and Brian Williams’ fantastic ‘Play Me.”  What scares the people who scare us? 

Stoker – Creepy thriller from the director who brought you Oldboy and Thirst.  Need I say more? 

Grabbers – Giant octopus monsters are attacking an Irish island and the only way to survive is to get wasted.  Hilarity ensues. 

Hell Baby - Comedy from the minds behind Reno 911 about the birth of the Antichrist.  Way better than it had any right to be. 

No One Lives – Refreshingly old school.  Dumb dialogue, but very little shaky cam, plenty of blood, a couple of nice twists, some creative violence, and even a little gratuitous nudity.

See?  A whole bunch of goodness for you to check out.  Now, on to 2014...

The 10 Best Horror Flicks Of 2013 Part 1: 10-6

10 - Escape From Tomorrow

To be honest, there are some movies that were better than this one and didn’t make the list.  Escape From Tomorrow has an intangible quality, however, that fascinates me and makes the flick stick in my mind like that accursed “It’s A Small World After All” song.  Part of it definitely has to do with it being filmed guerilla style inside the Disney amusement parks.  How they were able to pull that off right under the noses of park security is nothing short of indie horror heroism.  The sneakiness, craftiness, and testicular fortitude that took alone means it’s worth checking out.  What makes it more than just a curious piece of filmmaking bravado is the absurd, surreal, “what the hell did I just watch” nightmare it turns into.  For the first half, a dad is losing his grip on reality while on vacation with his family.  You think you know where this is going. At about the midpoint, everything goes haywire and it’s impossible to know what kind of weirdness is going to be thrown at you next.  When it was over, I was left with a “huh, that was messed up” feeling and moved on.  A couple hours later, I found myself thinking about it again.  A couple hours after that, I had to re-watch it.  Somehow this movie will worm inside of your skull and just sit there poking at your synapses with one of those huge, swirly-stick souvenir lollipops until you pay attention to it.  It is, without a doubt, the most unique viewing experience to be had this year.

 

9 - TIE: V/H/S/2 and All Hallows Eve

It’s my countdown and I’ll have a tie if I want to.  What we have here is a pair of anthologies with one shared characteristic - they’re both awesome despite a lame segment about aliens.  I hated the first V/H/S too, but I implore you to give the sequel a shot.  It won me over with a couple of innovative twists on the tired found-footage gimmick and the outstanding Safe Haven segment.  All Hallow’s Eve is a collection of Damien Leone’s short films with a killer new wraparound story.  It appeared on DVD around Halloween with no fanfare, but turned out to be one of the best “out of nowhere” surprises of the year.  The “Art the Clown” character has franchise potential and could easily carry another couple of flicks.  Anthologies have come back in a big way over the last couple of years.  The results have been mixed, but these are two that are sure to please.

8 - The Battery

Last year I praised Ryan Lieske’s flick Abed for telling an intimate, emotionally affecting story within the framework of a zombie movie.  The Battery did it again this year.  This story of two teammates thrown together as survival partners is a far less glamorized, and refreshingly authentic feeling, view of the zombie apocalypse.  There’s very little undead action.  While a little more might have been fun, it’s the quiet, small moments and the sometimes contentious “buddy flick” trappings that make it all work.  By completely focusing on the two main characters, played perfectly by writer/director Jeremy Gardner and Adam Cronheim, the audience is allowed to get inside their heads and really feel for them.  That way when the third act turns dark and trades the wry humor for tension, that audience relationship pays off in spades.  Add in a couple of great songs and the absolute funniest scene in any movie this year ( which I’ve dubbed the “put ‘em on the glass” scene) and you’ve got a winner.  It’s also inspiring that the movie was made with “prosumer” gear and a $6,000 budget.  The Battery just made everyone else’s low budget excuses null and void.

7 – Maniac

I know, I know.  It’s unthinkable.  A remake made it onto my best flicks countdown.  Hell, I’m just as surprised as you are.  I do loathe 90% of the remakes that come out, but I’m here to tell you that Maniac is the best remake of a classic in at least a decade.  Actually, the two things that worried me the most before seeing it ended up being the two things that won me over.  First, I was sure that, as sick as I am of found footage, I would hate the “POV” shooting style.  Shockingly, it worked.  It didn’t devolve into shaky cam too many times, they cheated at just the right moments, and it actually seemed like a fresh and unique storytelling device.  Second, I was afraid that Frodo was going to try to play Joe Spinell.  Luckily, he decided to put an entirely different spin on his interpretation.  That also worked.  The gore, despite being too CGI reliant at times, looked good.  Co-star Nora Arnezeder hit all the right notes.  The neon sleaze of LA gives the film a flavor both similar enough to and just different enough from the gritty yesteryear New York of the original.  Most importantly, the movie refuses to devolve into a psychoanalytic brood-fest and just goes for the sick psycho thrills.  I’ve seen other reviewers state that this bests its source material.  I would venture that those reviewers are smoking crack, but the new Maniac does stand on its own as a worthy companion piece.

6 – The WNUF Halloween Special

80’s nostalgia was running wild in 2013.  The best thing that came out of that wistful wave wasn’t the overpriced limited edition VHS releases from boutique distributors or the two documentaries that I heard were great but never got to see.  The real apex of 2013’s tape-mania was this gem.  Sorry V/H/S, THIS is the most innovative use of the format as a storytelling device to be devised yet.  The WNUF Halloween Special is a painstakingly recreated October 31, 1987 news broadcast complete with “satanic panic” stories and faux 80’s commercials.  Aside from a brief moment or two where things flirt with being a little too self aware, I could put this on my actual VHS of Halloween specials from 1986 and no one would ever be able to tell the difference.  Hell, I know a couple of people who bought the whole “this is really a lost broadcast that was recorded live and has just been rediscovered” thing hook, line, and sinker.  That’s how convincing it is.  The anchors are in full hype mode, because their field correspondent (along with a couple of hired psychics) is going into a real haunted house... LIVE! One of my earliest childhood memories is watching Geraldo open Al Capone’s empty vault, and this captured that “80’s TV event” feel perfectly.  Of course, everything goes horribly wrong once they’re in the infamous abode.  It's a fun watch and a loving look back at simpler days.  The filmmakers are to be commended for their amazing attention to detail.  This felt exactly like digging out and popping in that long forgotten “TV tape” we all have lurking in the dusty recesses of the attic or basement.  The WNUF Halloween Special is essential viewing for every monster kid from the video store era and a new addition to my annual All Hallow’s watch list.

420 Reviews: Dracula 3D, We Are What We Are, Bad Milo, All Hallow's Eve, Apartment 1303

A brief explanation: 420 reviews have nothing to do with weed, although I won’t confirm nor deny being high while watching the movies.  The deal is this: Before I had a blog, I did mini reviews on facebook.  Back then, statuses had a 420 character limit.  Now, from time to time I play my little nostalgic word game and try to express my opinions about a flick in EXACTLY 420 characters.  Think of them as fun-sized reviews.

We Are What We Are
I haven’t seen the highly acclaimed 2010 original, but this remake clicks on all cylinders. Well-built tension and good acting make this brooding, low-key creepfest stand out. It’s an intelligent, well-made thriller that still delivers enough of the red stuff to keep the gorehounds happy. I can see this being one of those horror flicks that non-genre movie buffs still take seriously. Yeah, it’s just that good. 8.5/10

Argento’s Dracula 3D
It hurts me to say this, but Argento continues to tarnish his legacy. This flick doesn’t have a hint of the trademark style that made him a master of horror. The only reason to believe he directed this crap is the presence of his naked daughter. Even a game Rutger Hauer can’t overcome painful dialogue, horrendous CGI, the worst score in recent memory, and the sheer stupidity of Dracula as a giant praying mantis. 3/10

Apartment 1303
Take every cliché that the dregs of the American J-horror remake boom taught you to hate, make them dumber, duller, and more hamfisted, and you have Apartment 1303. Nonsensical story line, some of the most illogical characters ever written, and hilarious failed scares. Rebecca De Mornay is pretty funny, but I don’t think she was supposed to be. How the hell did this get a 3D theatrical release? Impressively bad. 1/10

All Hallow's Eve
Comprised of Damien Leone’s short films with a new wraparound story, this anthology came out with no hype at all but turned out to be a nice surprise. The middle segment about aliens falls kinda flat, but just like the crappy aliens in VHS2, the rest of the flick is strong enough to make up for it. I could absolutely see Art the Clown as a franchise character capable of carrying sequels. A great Halloween flick. 7/10

Bad Milo 
I got worried when all the poop jokes started, but Bad Milo manages to rise above shit humor and be low brow but not sophomoric. It’s a flick with a lot of charm, a few genuine laughs, and even a little heart. The puppeteering is as good as the CGI is bad. Peter Stormare is perfectly cast as a kooky therapist, but he’s awesome in everything, right? Don’t let the premise fool you. It’s not as dumb as it sounds. 6.5/10