Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 17: Diane in Jaws 2

Throughout the world, there is a long tradition of self immolation. Buddhist monks have used the practice as the ultimate way of rejecting the importance of the body in favor of the mind. Many warrior cultures use it as an honorable form of suicide, much like seppuku. In India, the controversial practice of widows burning themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre (Sati) has been around for centuries. In modern times, it has become an extreme form of protest, the most famous being Thich Quang Duc, a Vietnamese monk who burned himself in 1963 to protest religious persecution. You probably know him best from the Rage Against The Machine CD cover. Depending on your stance and the motive, this act could be interpreted as either stupid or honorable. Doing it while trying to kill a fish? No matter how you look at it, that’s Darwin Award material.

A popular internet meme in recent years has been to respond to any great evil or threat with “kill it with fire!” Apparently Diane had heard that phrase too many times, because that’s exactly what she tried to do. The problem is, that doesn’t work with something that lives UNDERWATER, genius! Do you really think this is gonna stop Jaws?

He can just dive underwater, put it out, and keep on swimming. You know who can’t do that? You can’t Diane! Ok, let’s back up a moment. Diane’s boat is getting attacked by Jaws. Not an enviable position to be in. She has to think, (I use that term loosely) quickly, so she…pours gas all over herself?

I’m thinking that she was going to pour it on the shark but fell victim to the violent rocking of the besieged boat, but it sure doesn’t look that way. She just picks it up over her head and turns it straight upside down. It doesn’t look accidental at all, but she sure gives us the “I didn’t mean to do that” bit. I mean, she doesn’t even come close to the damn killer fish with the gas, so I’m not really sure how his head caught on fire. Anyway, now that she’s good and flammable, what would be the next logical thing to do?

Whatever your answer was, I’m guessing “use the flare gun” wasn’t it. Using the flare gun would have been a great idea BEFORE you doused yourself and your boat. Why the hell didn’t you go with that in the first place? That might have actually worked. Instead you wait until a spark will light you up like Richard Pryor. So, how did that work out for you?

What the hell? Gas and a flare gun didn’t mix well? Imagine that. You at least killed Jaws though, right? Well, this was less than halfway through the movie, and there were two more sequels, so it looks like that answer is a resounding negative. Basically all you did was barbecue yourself for the shark. Moron flambĂ©. Congratulations Diane, you are today’s winner by virtue of your (A) trying to kill a fish in the water with fire in the first place and (B) going down in a blaze of idiocy in the process. Way to go dumbass!

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