Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 20: Paxton, Josh, and Oli in Hostel

Paxton, Josh, and Óli are backpacking through Europe. It’s the dream of many American college students. They’ve been to France, Switzerland, and Belgium. Now they’re in Amsterdam, and they’re planning to meet up with friends in Spain. Sounds like a hell of a plan to me. But wait, they meet Alex, a Russian, who tells them that hot, horny European babes are all over Slovakia, and they love Americans. Keep in mind that these guys have no idea where Slovakia is, have never even heard of it, and just met Alex five minutes ago. He tells them that this Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures (massive horror geek points if you get THAT reference) isn’t on any map, and there are no guys, only beautiful willing women there for the taking. Remember what your mother told you about things that seem too good to be true?

Lets examine the situation. They already have plans. They’re far from home. They don’t know anyone from Slovakia at all, but this stoned Russian guy they’ve known for minutes tells them vague stories about a secret poontang wonderland. There are two possibilities of fairly intelligent things to do. First, go on to Barcelona. When you’re in a strange place where you barely speak the language and don’t really know where you are, going to a whole other country on a whim might not be a good idea. Second, they could have done a little checking up on this place. Maybe ask around a little or get online and google Slovakia. This probably would have saved them some problems. I can’t imagine the Trip Advisor or Yelp reviews of that particular Hostel would have been very positive. But, like so many other stupid horror characters, these guys aren’t thinking with the right head. So, what do they do?

Quicker than you can say “stupid American” they’re on a train for Slovakia. They completely changed their travel plans through Europe based on what a momentary acquaintance told them. Nice move fellas. You’d think that if they had been backpacking through Europe for a while, they would have realized, or at least been warned, that the business of taking advantage of American tourists is booming in, well, everywhere but America. Actually, never mind. It’s booming here too. So, how did that work out for you?

Woah! How did the promise of getting laid by exotic beauties turn into being butchered in a torture chamber frequented by the likes of Takashi Miike and Ruggero Deodato? It turns out that the snatch palace hostel was a front for a group that kidnaps hapless tourists to sell to the highest bidder for torture and murder. Now, instead of having stories to make your friends back home jealous, two of you died agonizing deaths and the third is scarred for life. Oops. Not exactly what you were expecting, huh? Congratulations boys, you are today’s winners by virtue of your jumping at the chance to, based on bad advice from someone you didn’t even know, do something many of us have done at one time or another; blindly run headlong into hell chasing a piece of ass. Way to go dumbasses!


Cash Wampum said...

I thought for sure I was going to read about the little nazi with the chainsaw. I loved the homage to Leatherface in this movie. Anytime someone falls and maims themselves with a chainsaw, whether they meant it or not, thats a nod to a classic. However!! This Shmoe happens to trip on blood that he just spilled himself and somehow keeps his finger on the throttle as the saw pretty much rips him in half!! STUPID!!

Fred [The Wolf] said...

This is an example of what could happen due to thinking with the wrong head.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...