Monday, October 31, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards#1: Tommy in Night of the Living Dead (remake)

Well folks, we’ve finally arrived at number one. The chart topping entry comes from my favorite horror remake of all time. It also happens to be a remake of my favorite film of all time. As a kid watching Night of the Living Dead ’90 on Monstervision, I experienced for the first time the “what the hell are you doing dumbass?” feeling we all know and love. That, along with the sheer inconceivability of anyone ever thinking this was a good idea, makes this one top the list.

This flick is chock full of dumbassery, but the crowning achievement belongs to Tommy. We all know the scenario. The zombie apocalypse has begun, and a ragtag group of survivors is holed up in a farmhouse. Ben, played by Candyman, has a truck but it’s low on gas. There is a pump out back, but it’s locked and there are a bunch of zombies in the way. Ben, Tommy, and Tommy’s girl Judy Rose decide to fight their way to the gas. By the way, did old farmhouses used to come equipped with gas pumps? Was that standard? That’s what I call convenience! Anyway, they get to the pump and discover that they have the wrong keys. At this point in the original NOTLD, Ben shot the lock off of the pump with what looked to be a .22 rifle. That was stupid. It turned out ok, and it is plausible that a really good marksman could do this with a weapon of that small a caliber without hitting the gas pump. Still a stupid idea though.

In the remake, Tommy tries the same thing; only he isn’t armed with a .22. He’s got a 12 gauge shotgun. A SHOTGUN! Have you ever seen someone smoking while pumping gas and thought “what a moron?” Maybe you didn’t stop to fuel there for fear that they might blow you up. Well, imagine seeing someone pointing a damn shotgun at the gas pump. Who would do that? It’s one of those things that should never even enter your mind as an option. He didn’t even try to knock off the lock with the butt of the gun. He just shot the freakin’ pump. I know it’s basically a rhetorical question, but how did that work out for you?

Big bada-boom. You more or less barbecued yourself for the ghouls. I honestly can’t imagine anything dumber. Congratulations Tommy, you are the winner of the ultimate Horror Movie Darwin Award by virtue of your firing a shotgun at a gas pump. Before I wrap this up, I’d like to thank everyone who has joined me on this voyage into cinematic idiocy. I hope you’ve enjoyed the countdown. If you did, leave a comment. Tell me what your favorite entry was or tell me your favorite stupid horror moment I missed. Ok folks, you know the drill by now, so say it with me…WAY TO GO DUMBASS!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #2: Judy in Friday the 13th 7

Friday the 13th is officially the franchise with the most entries on this list. These flicks certainly seem to have more than their fair share of dumbassery, don’t they? This is my favorite, however, because it set up my favorite kill of the whole series.

Remember when you were a kid and you were scared of what might be lurking in the dark corners of your bedroom at night? You would shut your eyes or cover your head with the covers and count on the proven scientific law of “I can’t see you, so you aren’t really there” to see you through. It worked, didn’t it? Of course it did. I’d be willing to bet that none of you were ever actually attacked by the boogie man, the monsters under the bed, or whatever was lurking in the closet. You know who that doesn’t work on though? Jason F’n Voorhees. Yes, F’n is in fact Jason’s middle name.

Dan and Judy are your average camping couple looking for a little woodland whoopee. Dan went off to get firewood and got a little deep torso fisting and vertebreaker action for his troubles courtesy of Jason. Judy, meanwhile, is waiting in her sleeping bag, naked and ready. Expecting her man, instead she sees this…

He sees her. She knows he sees her. So, instead of even making an attempt at getting away, what does she do?

She covers her head with the sleeping bag. Brilliant. He’ll never find you there. Sure, he was already reaching for you, but he’ll be so confused when he can’t see you that he’ll just go away, right? Um, no. So, how did that work out for you? (Note: the video quality is pretty rough, but this is what the kill looked like before the damn MPAA got their grubby little mitts on it.)

Kids, the moral of the story is that the boogie man and the monsters under the bed are imaginary. This strategy works on imaginary monsters. Jason F’n Voorhees is real. There may not be anything you can do to stop him, but trying to get away will definitely buy you more time than the old “I don’t see you, you don’t see me” routine. Congratulations Judy, you are today’s winner by virtue of your reverting back to 3 year old tactics when faced with Jason F’n Voorhees. Way to go dumbass!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #3: Carl Denham in King Kong

I was wracking my brain trying to find instances of dumbassery in older, classic flicks. Apparently horror characters didn’t become complete mental midgets until the 70’s. Then my buddy Cavepearl from reminded me of this little gem. Frankly, I’m kinda ashamed of myself for overlooking this one to begin with, as I absolutely love this movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Carl Denham, film director, entertainment mogul, overall huckster, and dimwit extrordinaire. While filming on location at Skull Island, His leading lady, Ann Darrow (portrayed by the incomparable Fay Wray) is taken captive by a native tribe to be sacrificed to a gigantic gorilla. Hollywood stars, you have no right to ever complain about on set security again. I’d take some paparazzi sneaking in over being kidnapped by the natives of Skull Island any day. Anyway, he and his crew eventually save Ann and manage to gas and subdue Kong. The logical thing to do would be to get the hell out of dodge before he wakes up. However, Denham thinks otherwise.

You see, when Denham looks at the 800 pound beast, all he sees are dollar signs. People back in civilization would pay a fortune to see this. Never mind that he’s already seen his prize attraction lay the smack down on some dinosaurs. That kind of destructive power can’t be a match for come chrome steel chains. Why, he’d be a fool NOT to drag this monster back to New York City with him, chain him up crucifix style onstage, and let the reporters pop flashbulbs in his face. What’s the worst that could happen? So, Mr. P.T. Barnum wannabe, how did that work out for you?

Apparently being chained up and displayed in a strange environment freaked him out and he went ape shit (come on, you knew I couldn’t resist that one.) Imagine that. Performances involving wild animals never go wrong, right? Apparently Carl hasn’t seen some of the youtube videos I’ve seen. Bringing this beast into the middle of a bustling metropolis was foolhardy at best, criminal negligence at worst. A regular size gorilla can tear you limb from limb with no problem. What do you think one the size of king Kong will do? I’ll tell you what he’ll do. First he’ll take Ann captive again. That’s twice man. Something tells me she’s not going to be signing on for your next picture. Then he’ll rampage through the city and destroy an el-train, killing a bunch of people and causing god knows how much property damage. Finally, he’ll take your leading lady to the top of the Empire State Building, where he’ll swat fighter planes out of the air like moths. You better be glad those planes finally took him down, or who knows what kind of mayhem would have ensued. Actually, it wasn’t the planes. Twas beauty killed the beast. You managed to get out of your little folly alive Carl, but you’ve got a lot of blood on your hands, a lot of lawsuits headed your way, and a whole hell of a lot of explaining to do. Congratulations Carl, you are today’s winner by virtue of your coming up with the most disastrously ill-conceived money making scheme since New Coke. Now, I will paraphrase Carl’s masterful directions to Ann during their doomed shoot…

Carl: “"Now you see it. You're amazed. You can't believe it. Your eyes open wider. It's idiotic, but you can't look away. There's no chance for you. No escape from the stupidity. You're helpless, helpless. There's just one chance, if you can scream. Throw your palm to your face and scream, scream for your life!"

Ann: “Way to go dumbass!”

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #4: Dr. McCabe in The Beyond

I love Italian horror, I mean LOVE Italian horror, but I’ve stayed away from it on the countdown thus far. Why? Because with its often nonsensical plots and style over narrative leaning, finding characters doing stupid things would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Or, to make a more topical analogy, like shooting really slow zombies in the head. That’s pretty easy, right? Well, it seems not.
As horror fans, we all know about the whole “aim for the head” thing in case of a zombie outbreak, right? Right. Of course, not ALL zombies can be dispatched that way, the ones from Return of the Living Dead come to mind, but it’s a good thing to try first. If you’re not a horror fan however, it might take a little trial and error before you figure out that only headshots drop the undead. Dr. John McCabe, played by David Warbeck, is obviously not a horror fan. He’s also apparently not a very quick learner. How the hell did this guy make it through med school?
In The Beyond, Lucio Fulci took the whole “when there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth” thing literally, because we actually get “zombies from hell.” In the film’s climactic sequence, these infernal undead pursue McCabe and Liza, played by the always great Catriona MacColl, through a hospital. McCabe takes the gun out of his desk and, when a zombie grabs hold of Liza, this happens…
Shot 1 – arm (no response)
Shot 2 – arm (no response)
Shot 3 – head (zombie falls)
You’d think this would be the “eureka!” moment, wouldn’t you? You figure this DOCTOR would catch that. Well…
Shot 4 – chest (no response)
Shot 5 – chest (no response)
Shot 6 – head (zombie falls)
Ok, I can see how one might think that a chest shot could work too. Now that he’s seen them no-sell a chest shot but bump for a headshot, the Doc’s got to catch on, right?
Shot 7 - chest (no response)
Shot 8 – gut (no response)
Shot 9 - …click
The gun is empty. By the way, did you know that revolvers carry 8 rounds? Neither did I. At least he was aiming for the head when he ran out of ammo, so apparently he’s finally got it. He finds more bullets somewhere and…
Shot 10 - head (zombie falls)
Shot 11 and 12 we only hear
Shot 13 - head (zombie falls)
Finally. It’s about time the guy got the picture. Now that we’ve got headshots down, we can move on to lesson two, double ta…
Shot 14 - chest (no response)
Shot 15 - chest (no response)
What the hell? Did he just do what I think he did? He isn’t missing these shots either.

See? He’s aiming from POINT BLANK RANGE! Actually, it looks more like a nut shot in that picture, huh? How has “they only fall when you shoot them in the head” not sunk in by now?
Shot 16 - head (zombie falls)
Ok, that’s more like it. MacCabe, you have one more chance.
Shot 17 - chest (no response)
Shot 18 - chest (no response)
Shot 19 - chest (no response)
Shot 20 – gut (no response)
Screw it, I give up. This guy’s hopeless. So dipshit, how did that whole “oblivious to the obvious” thing work out for you?
You managed to walk through one of the seven doors, and now you and Liza both were stricken blind by whatever horrors it was that you saw. Then you just kinda faded away. I’ve heard a lot of discussions amongst horror fans about the meaning of this movie’s ending, but I do know one thing for sure. If you had a better kill ratio than 5 zombies out of 20 shots, you would have had a hell of a lot better chance at finding a way out of that hospital. Idiot. Congratulations Doc, you are today’s winner by virtue of your completely ignoring the pattern right in front of your face, therefore being the absolute slowest person in film history to figure out that a zombie has to be shot in the head. Way to go dumbass!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #5: Melanie in The Birds

Going off by yourself to investigate that mysterious sound is one of the old standbys when it comes to “what the hell are you doing?” moments. Seriously, how many people has that very act gotten killed over the years? It can’t really count as stupid, however, because it’s a logical thing to do. You hear a noise, and you see what it is. That's just the way it goes. However when you know what it is, and furthermore you know that it’s something that will probably kill you, investigating the strange noise turns from reasonable course of action to pure dumbassery. Case in point, The Birds.

Melanie, Tippi Hedren’s character, has been dive bombed by a seagull, a flock of crows has attacked schoolchildren, swallows invaded her boyfriend’s house through the chimney, her boyfriend’s mom found her friend with his eyes pecked out, and now the full force of the fowl’s feathered fury (try saying that three times fast) has been unleashed upon the town. People are being killed. It’s a full blown avian apocalypse. Melanie and a few others barricade themselves in a house, boarding up the windows Night of the Living Dead style. Like those ghouls, the birds are laying siege to their makeshift fortress. They’ve broken through the window. They’re trying to get in and take their talons to some tender Tippi tissue.

Late at night, once everyone else is asleep, Melanie hears strange noises coming from the attic. Lets put two and two together here. Birds have been trying to get into the house. There are windows in the attic, which she beheld her Beau badly barricade with boards. You can tell by her face that she knows what that noise is. Knowing that the birds are lying in wait up there, she makes the absolute worst decision possible. She goes to check it out. You know, if she’s the kind of woman who has always wanted to take on a whole room full of viscious peckers of all sizes and colors by herself, she could have just… actually, I think I’m going to take the high road and leave that one alone. Anyway, how did that work out for you?

Beak-fu! Needless to say those petulant peckers penetrat…um, nevermind. Enough with the alliteration. Lets just say the birds did a number on her. In soviet Russia, Angry Birds play with you! We’re not really sure if she lived through the attack she brought upon herself, as the flick ends with her friends taking her to the hospital as thousands of birds look on ominously. I like to think she died on the way. She was just too stupid to live. Congratulations Melanie, you are today’s winner by virtue of your (ok, one more) willingly walking into a wall of winged wrath. Way to go dumbass!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #6: Vickie in Friday the 13th Part 2

The Friday the 13th franchise has never been one that you could accuse of discrimination. Jason slaughters both sexes and all races pretty equally. If you’re there, no matter who you are, Jason will kill you. He’s like the honey badger, he don’t give a shit. He’s an equal opportunity slasher. He doesn’t even discriminate against the physically handicapped, as evidenced in Part 2. Apparently, he doesn’t discriminate against the stupid either.

Meet Mark and Vickie. Cute, aren’t they? The sexual tension between them has been palpable for the majority of the movie. While most of the camp staff head off to the bar for one last night on the town, a handful stick around. As they begin to pair off, Terri goes skinny dipping (with Scott following to watch), and Sandra and Jeff head off for “a bit of the ol’ in and out.” I don’t count either of these things as dumb unless you KNOW that you are in a Friday the 13th movie, which these particular horny teenagers obviously did not. This leaves Mark and Vickie alone. They play old school handheld video games for “position,” smoke a joint, and eventually Vickie asks why he’s in a wheelchair. Apparently a motorcycle accident paralyzed his legs. She asks the inevitable question regarding whether his other lower extremities are in working order. After being assured that he “does alright one way or another,” they decide to keep each other company for the night. While Vickie goes to “grab a few things” (aka put on prettier underwear) Mark hangs out on the porch until he takes a machete to the head, which sends him careening backwards down a long staircase and straight into a fatal freeze frame zoom shot. When Vickie gets back she walks around the house calling Mark’s name. Are you ready for the dumb part?

She looks up the stairs and calls his name. UP THE STAIRS. Wait, she’s not…

She is. She’s going upstairs to look for a guy in a wheelchair. Vickie, how, pray tell, would he have gotten up there? He’s in a damn wheelchair. There are no ramps, no lifts, and no one to assist him. That’s not just idiotic; it’s pretty damn insensitive. You’d better hope he doesn’t think you’re making fun of his paralysis. Actually, he probably doesn’t care at this point. Anyway, when she gets upstairs she finds Jason and apparently develops a paralysis of her own. She just stands there and screams for a full 15 seconds while Jason walks towards her with a knife. So, how did that work out for ‘ya?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Congratulations Vickie, you are today’s winner by virtue of you causing your own death by looking for a paraplegic, of all places, upstairs. Way to go dumbass!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #7: Russell Franklin in Deep Blue Sea

What? Samuel L. Jackson? The badass of all badasses? What is he doing here? There’s no way he could be the recipient of a Horror Movie Darwin Award. That’s just hard to believe. Well, in the words of the old man from Garfield’s Halloween Adventure (told you I’d work that reference in here somewhere) “Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it my friends!” There was a moment where even Shaft himself fell victim to sheer stupidity. Don’t worry though, he stayed cool to the end.

Deep Blue Sea takes place aboard Aquatica, a state of the art science facility that is mostly submerged in the middle of the Ocean. These are supposedly smart people, and the best name they could come up with was Aquatica? Does that sound like a lame exhibit at Epcot Center to anyone else? Anyway, they’ve been researching sharks, looking for a way to use their brains to treat Alzheimer’s. In an effort to have more brain to study, they have genetically engineered three giant, super intelligent sharks that live in caged in lagoons around the underwater lab. Can I see a show of hands of how many of you would have already hauled ass away from Aquatica as fast as possible based on that last sentence please? Yeah, me too. The investors were getting antsy and wanted to see results, so they sent Russell Franklin, played by Mr. Jackson, to check it out. I think we’ve all seen enough killer animal movies to know what happens next. The sharks break into the facility. One by one sections of Aquatica are flooding. The scientists make their way to the wet-dock, where they find that their submarine is kaput.

While everyone is fighting amongst themselves about what to do next, Russell decides that he has had it with these motherf**king sharks in this motherf**king lab, and gives a speech. Yes, he thinks these sharks deserve to die and he hopes they burn in hell! Wait, that wasn’t it. It was a rousing speech about how they have a much better chance of surviving if they stop squabbling and make a break for it. The only problem is, he gives this soliloquy standing next to the diving pool. The room is pretty big, but he’s pontificating while standing as close to the water (where the super sharks are) as he possibly can. This guy is heralded as a hero for surviving a mountain climbing accident, but that doesn’t seem like a very good survival strategy to me. So, how did that work out for you?

He got eaten by a godawful CGI shark. Actually, that shark struck down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger. Gobbled him up like a Royale with cheese. Come on now, doesn’t Samuel L. Jackson deserve a better death than not? Actually, no. This is proof that no matter who you are, if you do something stupid in a horror flick, most of the time your idiocy will cost you your life. That’s the way it ought to be, even if you are a Jedi. Congratulations Russell Franklin, you are today’s winner by virtue of your choosing to give your speech about getting away from the sharks in the only spot where the sharks could get you. To a man normally hailed as a badass, today we say “Way to go dumbass!”

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Halloween 15, Perkins 14, Son of

Ryne over at the great blog The Moon is a Dead World put out the call for 15 horror bloggers to join him in reviewing a slew of flicks leading up to Halloween. Hence the name Halloween 15. Yours truly answered the call. You see that nifty little picture of the Skull-o-lantern that's been hanging out over there to the left under the words "Coming in October?" This is what that was all about. See, it all makes sense now, doesn't it?
Go HERE to read our reviews of the After Dark Horrorfest flick Perkins 14. It features PCP addled, brainwashed kids, multiple flashlight beatings, and former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves. Go check it out. While you're there, you can also check out the rest of the Halloween 15 and all of the other coolness the site has to offer.

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #8: The Rapists in I Spit On Your Grave

There are few movies more reviled by opponents of extreme exploitation cinema than I Spit On Your Grave. I think Cannibal Holocaust may be the only one actually. Maybe Serbian Film. Anyway, whether you consider it to be empowering or degrading, there is one thing that cannot be denied, the rapists get what’s coming to them because of their absolute arrogant stupidity.

Jennifer is a writer who rents a house in the middle of nowhere to work on her new book. Her writing time is, shall we say, interrupted when she is gang raped by four local yokels (Johnny, Stanley, Andy, and Matthew) in a grueling 35 minute scene. I’m not sure, but I think, barring fetish porn, that might be the longest rape scene in history. Anyway, take a look at this poor lady’s face…

I think it’s pretty clear that she is not having a good time. Remember that, it will be important later. The guy they send back to kill her can’t bring himself to do it, but tells the others that he did. They all go about their normal routines, until she shows back up. Then, one by one, she seduces and kills them. She…woah, hold on a second. She does what? Seduces them? What are these halfwits thinking? The second that she started coming on to them, did that not set off every one of the warning bells in their empty heads?

The best case scenario for them is that she really did enjoy herself and now she wants more. In that case it means that she’s nuts and probably a chick you want to steer clear of. Who would think that though? These guys are deplorable, but apparently they’re dumber than dirt to boot. To think “Damn, I’m so good that she wants me to do it again” is ludicrous. If I were a rapist and the girl came back wanting more, my first thought would be “She’s trying to lure me into a compromising position so she can get revenge.” At the very least, I would have that “something isn’t right” feeling. Not these guys.

Now Matthew is mentally deficient, so I can’t really hold being a moron against him. The other three though? Are you kidding me? What arrogant dipshits! Especially Johnny. He gets in the car with her, and she pulls a gun on him and orders him to strip. So he tells her that the rape was her fault. She appears to have a change of heart and invites him back to the house. How do you fall for that? While I do enjoy seeing these lowlifes get what they deserve, the way they got it blows my mind. So boys, how did that whole “hell yeah, she liked it” thing work out for you?

Castrated in the bathtub huh? How fitting. You kinda brought that one on yourself, now didn’t ‘ya Johnny. His buddies got hanged, axed, and shredded with an outboard motor. I know the “feminine wiles” have strange powers over men, but you, sir, must be braindead. Congratulations fellas, you are today’s winners for falling for one of the most implausible ruses in history, and apparently having an incredible unfounded faith in the persuasive power of your wiener. He he he, wiener. Way to go dumbasses!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #9: Josh in The Blair Witch Project

I’m always amazed at the number of people who hate the Blair Witch Project. I have a sneaking suspicion that they were the ones who were gullible enough to believe that it was real and they’re still sore about being taken for a fool. Personally, I dug it. Whatever you think about the flick, love it or hate it, you can’t deny that in 1999 when it came out that flick was an absolute phenomenon. It is a film that has been copied absolutely endlessly. It also gave us one of the all time great stupid horror moments.

Heather, Mike, and Josh have been lost in the woods for days The three filmmakers set off to make a documentary about a witch that supposedly lives in these woods. They’re cold, hungry, exhausted, wet, scared, and more than a little bit on edge. To make matters worse, there’s something stalking them and toying with them at night. Then Josh reveals that he’s done quite possibly the dumbest thing you could do in this situation, and all hell breaks loose. You know, the actual scene is way better than anything I could possibly write about it. It’s my second favorite scene in the film, behind the hilarious “America the Beautiful” moment. Here, check it out.

Normally, I would embed the video here. For some reason, embedding has been disabled for this one. Click on these words to check it out. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Yes folks, he “kicked that f**king map in the river.” Betcha they don’t teach that in Boy Scouts. Never saw that on Survivorman. I don’t care if it was doing any good or not, I would much rather be lost in a vast forest with a map than without one. What I think I would be most afraid of, above even being lost, is Heather or Mike doing to him what I would do to him in that situation. Remember the tree branch beating in the Halloween remake? Yeah, something along those lines. So Josh, how did that work out for you?

No one’s really 100% sure what’s going on there, but I think it’s safe to assume that it’s nothing good. I bet you wish you had that f**king map now, don’t ya’? Congratulations Josh, you are today’s winner by virtue of your tenuous grasp on the most basic of wilderness survival skills. Way to go dumbass!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #10: Brady in Halloween 4

Imagine you’re about to get it on with a cop’s daughter. Suddenly, the cop shows up at home, comes through the door, and goes for a shotgun. Now imagine your surprise when he hands the gun to you and tells you that someone might attack the house and you have to help defend those inside. What a stroke of luck! This is the position in which Brady finds himself in Halloween 4. The sheriff then hands him some shells. Brady sticks the shells in his pocket instead of, oh I don’t know, loading the gun. Brilliant move buddy.

Look, I know that I already did a “didn’t load the shotgun when they had the chance” induction with Jenny from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, but this one charts higher for two main reasons. Reason number one is that she had an understandable reason for not doing it. She was in a room with four psychos who wanted to do all sorts of nasty things to her, so lowering the firearm, while the best strategy, might not seem like such a good idea at the time. Brady is in a room with armed police officers and the threat hasn’t arrived yet. There is absolutely no reason for not checking to see if the gun is loaded or not. In fact, basic gun safety says to check the ammo when handed a firearm. Basic survival instinct should say the same thing.

Eventually Michael Myers arrives at the house. While the girls run up the stairs (wait, didn’t we just cover that one?), Brady hoists the shotgun, takes aim, and…click. It was unloaded after all you idiot. That whole “pocket full of shells” thing is only effective in lame ass mid 90’s mainstream rap-rock. He apparently also has the worst case of the shakes in recorded history, because he fumbles to load that gun the whole time Michael is snail’s pacing it up the stairs towards him. You should have done that when you got the damn thing, especially if it was going to take you that long. When he finally does get it loaded, Michael is in his face and he manages to miss with a 12 guage from three feet away. Then he hit Michael with the butt end. This proved not effective at all, and Michael took the gun and cracked poor dumb Brady in the noggin with it. So, how did that work out for you?

That brings me to reason number two; Jenny lived, Brady died. To be fair, Michael Myers probably would have slaughtered poor Brady either way, especially considering that he was a womanizing scumbag, but he would have had a much better fighting chance with a loaded weapon. Congratulations Brady, you are today’s winner by virtue of your failing to grasp the concept that a gun is useless without bullets, and getting yourself snuffed by the boogie man in the process. Way to go dumbass!

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #11: Everyone in Zombies of Mora Tau

This one isn’t going to take long, because the idiocy of this one is very simple. It’s not something stupid that these people did, it’s what they didn’t do that earned them the award. In the underrated flick The Zombies of Mora Tau, some undead sailors are guarding a stash of cursed diamonds in a shipwreck. Greed reigns supreme, of course, so not stealing the diamonds is not an option. If only there was some way to destroy these zombies. They only have one weakness, they are afraid of fire. The old woman who lives on the island makes the point repeatedly that fire is the only thing that they are afraid of. They are so arsonphobic that a candle will send them shuffling away in terror. There’s only one reason why any creature would be afraid of fire, and that would be because they are FLAMMABLE! Pretty obvious, huh? Apparently not. They shoot flareguns around the zombies, wave torches at them, and set a fire at the door of their lair to keep them inside; but never once does anyone even attempt to set a zombie on fire. With no zombies the diamonds would be unguarded, but instead you’d rather brave the walking dead to steal them instead of thinking this through and at least lighting one to see what happens. So, how did that work out for you?

Zombies are attacking you, members of your party are dead, and in the end you still don’t have any diamonds to show for it. Diane from Jaws 2 got inducted for trying to “kill it with fire” when she shouldn’t, now these mental midgets aren’t even trying it when it’s the most logical thing to do. There’s got to be a happy medium. Congratulations everyone, you are today’s winners by virtue of not a single one of you thinking to exploit the zombie’s only weakness. Way to go dumbasses!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #12: Bill Murray in Zombieland

One of the tried and true rules of comedy is that practical jokes equal funny. When a practical joke blows up in someone’s face, hilarity ensues. In this case, the joke blows up in their face literally. Bill Murray’s cameo in Zombieland was one of the most unexpected and side splitting in recent history. It was also one of the dumbest moves a character has made in recent history, but it grew out of a good idea. Bill had dressed up as a zombie, and was using his considerable acting skills to fool the zombies into thinking that he was one of them. Hell, it worked in Sean of the Dead until Ed answered his cell phone (a moment that fell just short of the list due to the fact that the stupidity was intentional for comedic effect.) When Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock, and Tallahassee stumble upon his mansion, they encounter Bill in fake zombie form. First it gets him hit with a golf club by Wichita. He then decides to try the trick on Columbus, the jumpiest member of the group. I do believe after a few days of fighting your way through the zombie infested wasteland anyone would be jumpy. Pretending to be a zombie while sneaking up on a frazzled, on edge kid who has been killing zombies for a while and scaring the living crap out of him seems like a good idea, right? Of course! That’s pure comedy gold! What if the kid has a shotgun though? All of a sudden that’s a really bad idea there Bill. Tallahassee, why are you egging him on? Apparently no one considered the consequences of this particular prank. So Bill, how did that work out for you?

Looks like you got punked instead. While that particular ill-advised prank didn’t turn out very well, it did allow for one of the best lines in a movie chock full of great lines…

Little Rock: “So, do you have any regrets?”

Bill Murray: “Garfield maybe.”

Congratulations Bill, you are today’s winner by virtue of your performance being just a little too convincing this time. Way to go dumbass!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #13: Jenny and Lindsay in Human Centipede

One of the major things people call stupid horror characters on is their complete lack of instincts. Their creepiness detectors all seem to be broken until it’s way too late. Often characters will stay in a situation that would cause normal people to say “this is too weird for me” or “this is going to end badly” or “screw this, I’m out.” One of the worst recent examples of this was when Lindsay and Jenny encounter Dr. Heiter in Human Centipede: First Sequence.

Meet Lindsay and Jenny, Americans road tripping through Europe. After their car breaks down and they are forced to walk in the rain, the girls come upon the house of Dr. Heiter. Let’s play “How long would it take for your ‘this guy is probably going to kill me’ alarm to go off.”

When he opens the door, his first response is to look around suspiciously and ask “Are you alone?” When you say that you are, his face lights up and he invites you inside. Are you suspicious yet? No? Really? I’d be saying “No thanks” over my shoulder as I hightailed it out of there, and I’m a big dude. These are two tiny little chicks. Ok, whatever you say, lets continue. So you’re inside now (doh!), and he asks you to sit. By the way, the whole time he’s giving you this look…

Still nothing? Really? Ok, we’ll go on. He asks if you are tourists, then asks if you are relatives. He looks extremely disappointed that you’re not related. While these girls couldn’t have known why he was asking, that’s still a little bizarre. Creeped out yet? No? Did I mention that he’s still looking at you like this?

Still nothing? Ok, here’s the final test. He asks if you’d like something to drink. I thought every young woman, especially two from New York City, would know not to accept a drink from a strange guy in his own home, ESPECIALLY one he left the room to prepare. “Water is fine” is your response? Are you shitting me? You’re accepting a drink this weirdo brought from the other room? From the looks the girls are giving each other, you can tell that they think he’s weird, but instead of taking this opportunity to slip out while he’s in the kitchen, they stick around and DRINK THE WATER HE GIVES THEM! Fail! By the time he tells them that he doesn’t like human beings, flips out when one of them spills their water, and they decide it’s time to split, it’s too late. They’ve already downed their Roofie Coladas and are well on their way to la-la land. So gals, how did that work out for you?

Holy shit! There have been some pretty bad pics that have followed that question throughout the countdown, and there will be more to come, but that one takes the cake. You are royally screwed. I would most definitely rather be dead than stitched together pie hole to poop schute. Congratulations ladies, you just followed your complete lack of intuition into the worst fate imaginable. Way to go dumbass (to mouth)!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #14: Sidney in Scream.

Thanks to Scream taking this particular cliché to task, whenever you mention stupid things people do in horror flicks the first one people usually mention is “when the girl runs up the stairs instead of outside. That’s what happens in Scream. When Sidney is on the phone with Ghostface, she even says (about horror movies) “They’re all the same; some stupid killer stalking some big breasted girl who can’t act who’s always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It’s insulting.” Then, when she’s attacked, she tries to run out the front door, finds it chained, and retreats up the stairs. Ok Kevin and Wes, I get it. It’s supposed to be ironic. Don’t ya’ think? But it’s a little too idiotic…and yeah I really do think.

Take a look at this picture. This is the foyer containing the stairs and front door. She just came through that first door on the left, there’s another door behind that on the left, and the entire back of the room opens into another room. That’s three other options. We are never given a clear look at what’s on the right, but if the design is like most other houses, there is at least one other opening there. We’re only going to count the three we’re sure about though. She also totally had time to unchain the front door, but we’re not going to count that either. So, we officially have 3 escape routes that don’t involve going upstairs, which according to her comments, she already knows is a bad idea. Yet she ignores the three easier and safer escape routes in favor of the damn steps. Unbelievable. So Sid, how did that work out for you?

Awww, your boyfriend showed up to save you. Sid sure knows how to pick ‘em, huh? She lived, so she did get off easy, but she proved once and for all that the stairs have a magical attraction to women running for their lives. Congratulations Sidney, you are today’s winner by virtue of your making fun of a cliché, then not only becoming the cliché, but taking it up a notch. Way to go dumbass!

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