The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #14: Sidney in Scream.

Thanks to Scream taking this particular cliché to task, whenever you mention stupid things people do in horror flicks the first one people usually mention is “when the girl runs up the stairs instead of outside. That’s what happens in Scream. When Sidney is on the phone with Ghostface, she even says (about horror movies) “They’re all the same; some stupid killer stalking some big breasted girl who can’t act who’s always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It’s insulting.” Then, when she’s attacked, she tries to run out the front door, finds it chained, and retreats up the stairs. Ok Kevin and Wes, I get it. It’s supposed to be ironic. Don’t ya’ think? But it’s a little too idiotic…and yeah I really do think.

Take a look at this picture. This is the foyer containing the stairs and front door. She just came through that first door on the left, there’s another door behind that on the left, and the entire back of the room opens into another room. That’s three other options. We are never given a clear look at what’s on the right, but if the design is like most other houses, there is at least one other opening there. We’re only going to count the three we’re sure about though. She also totally had time to unchain the front door, but we’re not going to count that either. So, we officially have 3 escape routes that don’t involve going upstairs, which according to her comments, she already knows is a bad idea. Yet she ignores the three easier and safer escape routes in favor of the damn steps. Unbelievable. So Sid, how did that work out for you?

Awww, your boyfriend showed up to save you. Sid sure knows how to pick ‘em, huh? She lived, so she did get off easy, but she proved once and for all that the stairs have a magical attraction to women running for their lives. Congratulations Sidney, you are today’s winner by virtue of your making fun of a cliché, then not only becoming the cliché, but taking it up a notch. Way to go dumbass!

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 15: Killer you could easily kill yourself .

Well, originally I was going to go with something small, like Chucky, the puppets from Puppet Master, or the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror. How can you be scared of something you could punt across the room? Then EVERYONE went that direction. So I thought to myself; “Self, what’s less menacing than little things? How about a killer that little things beat up?” That’s when it hit me. I could absolutely annihilate Ghostface from Scream.

I think the only horror character that spends a bigger percentage of their on screen time getting their ass kicked is Ash. Sure, Ghostface ends up killing whoever he’s after, but if they didn’t all fall for the horror cliché of not finishing the killer when they have the chance, he would have been dead a long time ago. He’s been knocked out with flower pots and freezer doors, kicked down stairs and knocked unconscious, punched and kicked and stomped to the ground, had his head slammed in doors, etc. And that was all by tiny women! Hell, if Jenny McCarthy had been using real weapons she could have dismembered him!

Honestly, besides the fact that petite ladies routinely put a whoopin on him, I’m surprised he hasn’t impaled himself on his own knife yet. How many times have we seen him slam into walls, fall over furniture, walk straight into a blow to the head, run into something, or “almost” get a hold of someone? Ghostface has got to be the clumsiest killer of all time. I’m only really taking the first 3 Scream movies into account here, so there were 4 Ghostfaces. Every last one has been a character that seemed normal, but as soon as the robe and mask went on they forgot how to properly operate their bodies. If the characters had been physically consistent throughout the film the killer would have been easy to spot. He’s the one tripping over his own feet. Ghostface certainly pulls off some amazing feats of stealth when we can’t see him. Interesting, considering when we can see him, more often than not he’s lurching and flailing like a drunken jackass.

Knife or not, I would mess Ghostface up but good. He depends on the element of surprise. First of all, when people start dying and there’s a killer after my friends and I, I’m going to stay pretty damn vigilant. Second, after all of my haunted house experience, I know the tricks of the trade as far as sneaking around go. I’d see that amateur coming a mile away. Third, when I got him down, I wouldn’t pull that “leave him knocked out” crap. Oh no. It’s “Finish Him!” time, fatality and all. I’m not a violent person, but in a kill or be killed situation it’s balls to the wall, no mercy, “two men enter one man leaves” time.

Lets wrap this little rant up with a tool that has been used for years by boxing, MMA, and professional wrestling to size up the combatants; the tale of the tape. I took the height and weight of the four actors who have been Ghostface (Matthew Lillard, Skeet Ulrich, Tim Olyphant, and Scott Foley.) When I averaged them together, I got Ghostface at 6’ ½” tall and 175 lbs. The four girls that gave him the most trouble (Neve Campbell, Jenny McCarthy, Rose McGowan, and Sarah Michelle Gellar) are an average of 5’4” and 115 lbs. Yes folks, I actually looked up the specs on all of these actors and actresses and did the math. These girls beat the hell out of Ghostface and all would have survived had they had the gumption to take him out when they had him down. I’m a full foot taller and almost triple their weight.

I’m 6’4” and 335 lbs. I’m considerably bigger than Ghostface, who basically got his ass handed to him by girls considerably smaller than him. In the UFC, they wouldn’t even put us in the same class because it wouldn’t be a fair fight. Tell you what, he’s got a big knife, so we’ll call it even. I’ve been in enough bar fights back during my wilder days and “assisted” some of my bouncer friends enough to know how to handle myself against a guy with a weapon who can’t seem to come after you without falling down. Sorry Ghostface, you puny, bumbling, cheap costumed joke, but I’d wipe the floor with you. And just because I’m a big fan of irony, I’d show you up at horror trivia while I did. Bring it!

30 Day Horror Challenge Day 25 - A horror film that you used to hate, but now like

This film was an interesting case because I liked it, then hated it, and now like it again. Admittedly, my years of hating on Scream were not fair. I’ve always said that you must judge a film on its merit alone. Scream was actually pretty good. My hatred for the movie wasn’t really based on the film itself, but on people’s reactions to it and the mile long trail of crap that it spawned. It was a bit of hypocrisy on my part. I do recognize it now for what it was; a very astute satire of the slasher genre.

I was 16 when Scream came out. Me and nearly the entire drama department of South Gwinnett High School went to see it one night. I dug it. I liked the way they acknowledged the clichés of the genre and made them key points of the story. I completely identified with Jamie Kennedy’s character, as I was the horror geek/walking encyclopedia of my group of friends. I liked the way it was basically a “who dunnit” mystery with some slasher aspects thrown in. The gore was pretty subdued, but there were a couple of fun messy moments. The cast did a good job, featuring some of the more unique standouts of the late 90’s teen TV crowd. I definitely enjoyed Rose McGowen’s sweater. It even had a pretty good soundtrack. All in all, it was a really fun satire of the horror genre.

Sorry. I had to.

Then, I started to notice something. My classmates were describing Scream as “the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.” They were talking about it like it was a straight up horror flick. This was my first real moment of clarity regarding the mainstream audience’s complete lack of taste when it comes to horror. All the preppie kids that young black trench coat clad Nathan hated were talking about how this was what a good horror movie was. It was so much better than “that old crap.” This did not sit well with me, a young horror fan who already knew his stuff. Not to mention being a high school boy, I was naturally full of piss and vinegar and harder than hardcore about everything. I knew it was a horror/mystery/comedy, but it seemed no one else did. Apparently, only a parody like Scary Movie would register in their minds as comedy. In my view, Scream had poisoned everyone’s mind against the classics that I loved.

Then, the never ending procession of copycats started. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Urban Legend. Valentine. The Faculty. Carrie 2. Soul Survivors. Disturbing Behavior. Scream 2. Scream 3. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. The so called “late 90’s slasher craze” was in full swing. People would say “aren’t you happy? Horror movies are “in” again. No, teenybopper crap horror is in. Movies that were figuratively and literally gutless. There was no gore, there was no gratuitous nudity, there was no sense of fun, and there was no uniqueness to the plot. In other words, nothing that made the slasher flicks of the 80’s great. All we had was bad acting by cookie cutter WB actors and everyone trying to write like Kevin Williamson. It was like a long episode of Dawson’s Creek, but one of the pretty boys was in a mask. Basically, we were treated to hundreds of Scream clones minus the intelligence. The style even crept into franchises I liked, such as in the case of Halloween H20. I loathe the mainstream horror of the late 90’s and early 2000’s, and in my mind it was Scream’s fault for starting all of that.

Scream was my pariah. It was the film that had ruined horror movies in my generation. It also happened to be the movie everyone bought or got for Christmas in 1997. For the next year, it was on in the background of every party I went to. Any time anyone said they wanted to watch a horror movie, that one was the flick that got popped in the VCR. I probably saw Scream at least 50 times that year. The hatred grew.

Years went past and I tried to put the whole “90’s slasher craze” out of my mind. Scream was an anathema; I never owned it and refused to watch it. When I was collecting the Movie Maniacs figures, Ghostface was the one I refused to buy. Any time a movie lacked substance, I compared it to Scream. Then, a couple of years ago, I was flipping through the channels and ended up stopping on Scream. Before I realized it, I had watched the entire movie. Not only that, but I enjoyed it. After a few years of not seeing it, I was able to look at it with a fresher perspective. It’s a damn good flick. All of its imitators sucked, and a lot of the audience completely missed the point, but Scream can’t be held responsible for that. Scream 2 and 3 both are still awful, but not the original. It still stands up as a good mystery/horror satire. Scream, I apologise for all the years of animosity and harsh words between us. Let’s just let bygones be bygones, ok? I’m still iffy on Scream 4 though. I think I’ll wait for the 1.99 theater for that one. I’m still only giving it one and a half severed thumbs up, ‘cause old grudges die hard. Nathan says check it out.