Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown: The Top 3

#3: Matthew McPeck – F**k Christmas (I Wish It Was Halloween)

 Sample Lyrics –
You Hallmark fascists expect me sober
When you start playing your f**king songs in October!
Hark the herald devils sing Halloween.
So to you holiday-loving sons of bitches,
Screw you all and hey, F**K CHRISTMAS!
All I need is my baby, my baby and Halloween.

I’d be willing to guess that there’s not a one of us who hasn’t expressed that sentiment at some point.  Are you looking at the lights and tinsel and wishing that they were jack-o-lanterns and spider webs instead?  Then this is your anthem.  This synth-pop/proto-goth style song expresses exactly how I feel every December and only gets more and more timely as the big day gets closer and closer.

#2:  Screaming Lord Sutch – Creepy Christmas

Sample Lyrics –
The Creature from the Black Lagoon howling carols out of tune
A demon and a vampire roasting chestnuts on a fire
And the one that they call Lestat groovin’ in a party hat
Dr. Jeckyll playing Hyde & seek, they were dancing cheek to cheek.

If you just said “who?” then turn in your horror music lover’s card NOW!  In the 60’s, Screaming Lord Sutch was innovating the theatrical horror shock rock show well before Alice Cooper or Arthur Brown.  He also ran for parliament 40 times as part of the Official Monster Raving Looney Party.  He was an interesting dude to say the least.  In 1989, he and his band, dubbed “The X-Mas Creeps” for this release, unleashed this groovy number about a party I would have killed my grandmother to attend.  For the record, if that sax solo doesn’t get you in the rockin’ holiday spirit, you don’t have a soul.

#1: 

Screamerclauz – 12 Days of Axemess

Sample Lyrics - 
Nope.  Trust me, this one is better when you don’t know what’s coming.

Maybe my favorite Christmas song of all time.  Before he blew our minds and shredded our souls with his demented animated film Where The Dead Go To Die, Jimmy Screamerclauz was horrifying people with his music.  What do you get when a sicko like Screamerclauz mixes a traditional version of a Christmas classic with clips from flicks like Zombie Flesh Eaters, I Drink Your Blood, and Night of the Demons?  Pure hilarity.  The first time I heard this I may or may not have laughed until I peed a little.  Extra horror geek cred if you can name all of the movies and shows he samples.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown # 7-4

#7: Alex Atkinson and Max Hughes – Die Santa Die!

 
Sample Lyrics –

I took his teeth and made a puppet

His arms I slashed to ribbons

Cordless drill to legs and knees

His eyes did stare with sultry pleas

I have to thank Annabelle Lecter from Without Your Head for turning me on to this one.  A little boy (with a suitably creepy voice) sings of his lifelong hatred for Santa and the horrible things he does when he finally gets his hands on the red suited bastard.  I especially like the line about “barbed wire fists.”  Very Carnage Cup.  The video that accompanies the song, animated by Mark Bunting, is the perfect compliment to a great tune.  This is what Creepmas is all about.

#6:  Harley Poe – It’s Christmas Time Again

Sample Lyrics - 

Leave him cookies, leave him beer, stay in bed ‘til morning’s near

Run down the stairs unto the tree, cautious of what you may see

Your parents may be hanging there, thought they made a lovely pair.

It’s Christmas time again. 

Horror-folk artist Harley Poe is one of the fright scene’s best-kept secrets.  He’s kinda like Voltaire, but less pretentious and actually funny.  This is probably the best “Santa as a serial killer” song ever.  Sleigh bells and jangly guitars back a stern warning about making Santa’s acquaintance on Christmas.  You don’t want to find out what’s in his sack!

#5: John Kassir – We Wish You’d Bury The Missus

 
 Sample Lyrics -
 The last thing on Christmas that folks want to see

Are remains of your wife on your lawn Christmas tree

We wish you’d bury the missus, we beg you bury the missus
For gods sake bury the missus, we can smell her down here. 

During the holiday season of 1994, Tales From the Crypt was in its sixth season.  When any franchise is popular for that long, you know a Christmas tie-in is inevitable.  So they released an album called Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas.  I’ve never understood why they didn’t go with “Cryptmas.”  Anyway, it featured John Kassir, the voice of the Cryptkeeper, doing holiday songs and skits with his usual gallows humor and ghoulish puns.  Nearly every track is a classic (we’ll just pretend Christmas Rap never happened), but this one is far and away the standout.  For the record, (see what I did there?), the album usually sells for $25-35 on ebay.

#4:  Lon Chaney Jr. – Monster’s Holiday

Sample Lyrics –

They were making a list and checking it twice

Frankenstein wanted a shiny new trike

A new chain for Yarnush, a brace for Igor's back

A speed shaver for Wolfman, a new cape for Drac

Monster’s Holiday was originally recorded by Bobby “Boris” Pickett in 1962 as a follow up to his immortal classic Monster Mash.  It failed to attract the attention its predecessor did, but that didn’t stop Lon Chaney Jr. from recording a cover version two years later.    To the best of my knowledge, this and the theme song to Jack Hill’s underappreciated film Spider Baby were the only two songs good ‘ol Creighton ever recorded.  Now, I love me some Boris Pickett, but if you ask me, Chaney has the perfect voice to recount this tale of the classic monsters and their thwarted attempt to rob Santa’s sleigh.  Not to be confused with a godawful Buck Owens song of the same name.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #8: Western Caravan - Psycho

#8: Western Caravan feat. Thirsty Dave – Psycho

Sample Lyrics –
I been dressing up like you, Santa
At a big department store
I met some little boys and girls, Santa
I brought them home, and they’re buried underneath my kitchen floor

This song is a parody of Eddie Noack’s quintessential country murder ballad and ode to insanity, also called Psycho.  You can find a great video of Neil Gaiman singing the original on youtube.  In this outstanding version, our narrator gets a visit from the Jolly One himself and begins confessing all of his psychotic acts.  It’s the calm, earnest way the song is performed that makes it so chilling.  This is one that gets played on repeat at my house around the holidays

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #11-9: Serial Killers, The Westboro Baptist Church, And The Devil Himself!

#11: Macabre – Holidays of Horror

 Sample Lyrics –

Merry Christmas, he gunned his family down

His bullets were their presents, dead relatives all around

Happy New Year, one they won't be here to see

It's the holiday of horror because of Ronald Gene

I think this list needs some more metal.  Enter Macabre, Chicago’s foremost purveyors of “murder metal.”  Almost all of their songs are about real life slayers, and this one is no exception.  In a 1987 killing spree that lasted from December 22 to 28, Ronald Gene Simmons killed 16 people (including 14 family members).  He got lethal injection, and we got this kick ass tune.  It’s a wonderful reminder of just how crazy some of us go on the holidays.  God, I love this band.

#10:  Westboro Baptist Church – Santa Claus Will Take You To Hell

 Sample Lyrics –

Don’t leave your kids with this red fright

Just like the priests he’ll rape ‘em at night…

So get this fact straight, you’re feeling God’s hate

Santa’s to blame for the dead soldier’s fate

Santa Claus will take you to hell.

Time for a little real life horror in the form of my old buddies the prophets of hate.  The Westboro Baptist Church, who kindly agreed to participate in this year’s What Halloween Means To Me countdown, apparently see Santa as a pagan idol and an affront to God.  They blame him for everything from the economy to war.  This video, featuring the WBC’s children holding “Fag Santa” signs and singing about rape, is truly a sight to behold and probably the scariest thing you will see this Christmas.  This one's straight up batshit nuts.


#9: 

Ed Harcourt – The Devil Came Down The Chimney

Sample Lyrics –

Razor wire for tinsel toe.  Blackened ash instead of snow.

Reindeer roasting on a barbecue, with Santa’s sleigh in the fire as fuel.

Christmas lights are a hangman’s noose.  Hand grenades in the golden goose.

They nailed an elf to a crucifix and got their kicks on Route 666.

Apparently the world was extra bad this year, because Santa took the year off and Satan came riding in to remake the holiday season in his image.  To be honest, I kinda like what Old Scratch has done with the place.  This darkly swinging number from Ed Harcourt reminds me a lot of something that Nick Cave would write.  It just has that feel.  The only video I could find is this live performance, which isn't bad, but you owe it to yourself to track down the studio version.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #12: Harley Poe - It's Christmas Time Again

Harley Poe – It’s Christmas Time Again

 
Sample Lyrics –

Leave him cookies, leave him beer, stay in bed ‘til morning’s near
Run down the stairs unto the tree, cautious of what you may see
Your parents may be hanging there, thought they made a lovely pair.
It’s Christmas time again. 

Horror-folk artist Harley Poe is one of the fright scene’s best-kept secrets.  He’s kinda like Voltaire, but less pretentious and actually funny.  This is probably the best “Santa as a serial killer” song ever.  Sleigh bells and jangly guitars back a stern warning about making Santa’s acquaintance on Christmas.  You don’t want to find out what’s in his sack!

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #13: Team Death - He's Dead

Team Death - He's Dead

 

Sample Lyrics - 
I feel sickened as the Christmas Lights glisten
I see a couple under the mistletoe kissin'
My vision's twisted so I creep up very slowly
Stab them both with some icicles because the devil, he controls me

How about a little rap to mix things up?  SickTanicK(the mastermind behind Serial Killin’ Records) and Razakel (the reigning queen of horrorcore) are bringing their trademark bloodshed and blasphemy to the holidays.  On this track, the couple drop acid and go hunting Christians, children, and anyone else enjoying the holidays.  Their whole Unholy Noel EP is as dark, hardcore, and occult obsessed as it gets.  Those with more delicate sensibilities should steer clear.  My fellow sick freaks, however, will revel in the depravity.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #15-14: Zombies and Lovecraft Edition

Apparently I forgot to do one of these yesterday, so here's another double shot.  I think I'll do the last two songs about zombies...

#15 Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler – Zombie Christmas

Sample Lyrics –
They came in through the chimney when the people in the house were sleeping
They didn't fill our stockings and there wasn't anywhere to hide
Well I don't want to have my last Noel, We'd better kick those zombies back to Hell
If we want to live to tell of the Zombie Christmas 

Emmy the Great is a London based singer/songwriter.  Tim Wheeler is the singer/guitar player for the Irish rock band Ash.  Honestly, I can’t say that I’m a fan of either one on their own.  Together, however, they made a cool Christmas album called This Is Christmas.  Zombie Christmas is by far the best track.  Zombies on Christmas isn’t exactly a novel idea, but this poppy/rocky little ditty certainly makes it fun.  I guarantee that when the zombies come to eat your brain, this one will be stuck in it. 


#14 The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society – Harley Got Devoured By The Undead

Sample Lyrics –
He’d been reading lots of weird books
And I begged him not to go
But he’d brook no procrastination
To learn the truths that mankind mustn’t know 

The HPLHS was founded in 1984.  Since then, in addition to many radio drama, musical, and film projects (including the excellent The Whisperer In Darkness), they’ve released two collections of Lovecraft themed Christmas parodies.  A Very Scary Solstice and An Even Scarier Solstice are both well worth purchasing.  It was truly difficult to choose one song from among gems like I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth, Carol of The Old Ones, Away In a Madhouse, and Go Summon Up The Dead Ones, but this one will really wrap its tentacles around ‘ya.  Harley Got Devoured By The Undead (obviously a parody of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer) is based on The Statement of Randolph Carter, and it’s one of the few tracks that the uninitiated can appreciate because it tells the whole story.  I mean, it’s basically a musical audiobook.  Cthulhu is coming to town, and you just might be spared if you’re listening to this… might.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #16: Angry Snowmans - Horror Christmas

Angry Snowmans – Horror Christmas

Sample Lyrics –
Too much horror Christmas, fly my sleigh at night

Time to decorate!  My windows are lit.
You don’t go near the mistletoe with me.

Ah, my favorite Christmas-centric band.  Angry Snowmans have released three albums of killer punk X-mas parodies.  They give the candy cane treatment to bands like Fear, Dead Kennedys, D.I., Bad Religion, Black Flag, Agent Orange, and a whole lot of other bands my punk rock knowledge is too limited to recognize. My favorites, however,  are their sendups of my favorite band of all time, The Misfits.  Every one of their releases is essential yuletide listening, so head on over to their Bandcamp page HERE and pick them up.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #17: MXPX - Christmas Night of the Zombies

MXPX – Christmas Night Of The Zombies 

 
Sample Lyrics –
I dreamt that there were zombies right outside my window Christmas night
Hungry for some flesh to eat, but I was hungry for a fight
The living dead they walk the earth to bite on you and tear through me

I’m gonna shoot straight with you… I hate MXPX.  Hate them.  My little brother drug me to see them in a church basement one time.  They’re exactly what I hate about mainstream pop punk.  However, every now and then a bad I can’t stand makes a song I really like, and this is such a case.  It’s a cool little ditty about Christmas zombies.  What else do you need to know?  Paint the snow red, boys!

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown #18: Wednesday 13 - Buried By Christmas

#18 Wednesday 13 – Buried By Christmas

 

Sample Lyrics –
Seasons beatings and a jolly farewell
By Christmas Eve, I'll be rotting so well
In a one horse open sleigh
Straight to hell laughing all the way

He just might be the hardest working man in horror rock, and he plans to spend the holidays six feet under the snow.  Wednesday 13 has been the frontman of at least 5 different bands including The Murderdolls, Manic Spider Trash, and Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13.  He’s also a prolific solo artist and is damn good live.  This killer slice of festive glam-horror comes from his first, and my favorite, of his solo albums Transylvania 90210.

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown # 22-21: Psychobilly Christmas

#22 Coffin Caddies – Halloween on Xmas

Sample Lyrics –
Candy canes of evil mock

Pumpkin faces in the dark
Santa’s sleigh goes down in flames
Undead Rudolph eating brains


#21 White Coffin Terrors – Silent Night Deadly Night

Sample Lyrics –

Silent Night Deadly Night, The coroner’s puking at the sight

Hung by their ankles and slaughtered with glee
Young little darlings just ripped at the seams
Screaming in agony, screaming in agony

Hey, waddaya know?  Two bands with Coffin in the title.  Sotty guys, no points for originality this time.  These two songs come from a 2011 compilation called Psychobilly Christmas.  While the Coffin Caddies do have a psychobilly flavor, the White Coffin Terrors have more of a straight ahead horror punk vibe.  It doesn’t really matter though, because they’re both great tracks.  The Coffin Caddies give is a little taste of what a Christmas in a much less family friendly Halloweentown would be like.  The White Coffin Terrors tune isn’t actually about the movie it shares a title with.  Instead it’s just a chronicle of a mad Ghoultide slaughter party.  Put on your leather jacket with the studs and Misfits patch, carefully place your Santa hat on top of your meticulously greased pompadour, and rock out!

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown # 24-23

Well Cellmates, looks like another Halloween lies cold in its grave.  National Tryptophan Overdose Day and Dawn of the Retail Zombies has come and gone.  That can only mean one thing... Creepmas is upon us.  This year, I'm going to be participating in the official 13 Days of Creepmas for the first time.  Click on that snazzy logo to see the other pages getting into the ghoultide spirit.  But I ain't gonna stop at 13.  Oh no.  The Son of Celluloid believes that anything worth doing is worth overdoing.  So I'm going from now until Christmas Eve.  But what's this countdown gonna be all about?  Well, grab your nuts and gather 'round the open fire, 'cause Uncle Nathan's gonna tell ya.
For the past 8 years, I've made what I call a XXX-Mas Mix for my friends each holiday season.  I harness my powers as undisputed lord and master of the mix CD to create the most f**ked up collection of songs about sex, drugs, suicide, homicide, and general humbuggery possible.  As you can imagine, a lot of those songs have a horror twist to them.  Now, I'm not going to be giving out CDs to all of you.  You know, give a man a fish and blah blah blah.  What I am gonna do is share 24 of the best horror related XXX-Mas tunes I've encountered over the years and let you make your own mix.  All of these songs are pretty easily dug up online.  When we're done, you'll have the perfect soundtrack to open those presents to.  To be honest, I intended to start this countdown on the 1st, but stuff happened.  Therefore, the first couple of days will be two for the price of one until we catch up.  So, without further ado, let's get started...

#24  Christopher Lee - Little Drummer Boy

I'm kicking things off with two unconventional takes on Christmas standards.  First up is Christopher Lee (yes, THAT Christopher Lee) and his version of Little Drummer Boy, or as my Grandmother called it "that rumpapum song."  She despised that song for some reason.  Anyway, Sir Christopher hooked up with some of his "symphonic metal" buddies to put out a two song EP of holiday tunes last year.  Silent Night is pretty good, but this one is a gem.  Dracula's regal voice booming over a galloping beat and chugging guitars?  Hell yeah!  It may sound like an odd pairing, but dammit, it works.


 
#23  Alice Cooper - Santa Claws Is Coming To Town

This one actually has an all star cast.   Alice Cooper on vocals, John 5 on guitar, Billy Sheehan on bass, and Vinny Appice on drums.  The tune really belongs to Alice though.  With his trademark sneering, sinister delivery, Santa's arrival sounds like impending doom.  That foreboding atmosphere holds up until the moment you hear the king of shock rock sing the words "rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums."  I laugh until I damn near cry every time I hear that.  This track comes from an album called "We Wish You A Metal Xmas And A Headbanging New Year."  It's definitely worth a purchase.  In addition to this classic, its got killer versions of Run, Run Rudolph (with Lemmy on vocals),  Dio and Tony Iommi collaborating on God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and the greatest version of Silent Night ever recorded featuring members of Testament, White Zombie, Anthrax, and Shadows Fall).