2010: The Year In Horror Part 3: The Top 5

5. A Serbian Film – The most disturbing thing put on film since concentration camp footage.

When it comes to movies, I’m pretty jaded. I’ve seen Cannibal Holocaust. I’ve seen Salo. I’ve seen the August Underground trilogy. I’ve seen the Guinea Pig series, Irreversible, The Girl Next Door, Begotten, Audition, Nekromantik, Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, and Men Behind the Sun. Hell, I even saw the first half hour of Twilight (shudder). It’s very VERY rare that I see a flick I would describe as “disturbing.” Serbian Film is definitely one. I’d read all the hype about just how gut wrenching A Serbian Film is. I heard all the stories of people storming out mid-showing at European festivals, and figured there was no way it could live up to the hype. I stand corrected. There are many who say that, its core, the whole purpose of cinema is to elicit an emotional response. If that is true, this is cinema at its most effective. I’ll put it this way. Christmas night I took this movie to show a bunch of guys who, like me, are sometimes considered to be “sick bastards.” Throughout the first half, everyone was drinking, making jokes, and having fun. The second half, even until the end of the credits, this group sat in stunned silence. That’s how this Grinch steals Christmas. Muahahaha. Anyway, the plot concerns a retired porn star lured back to do one more job. It then devolves into quite possibly the vilest parade of atrocities ever depicted on film. I cannot overstate the absolute depravity of some of the scenes. The kicker is that this is a very well made movie. The acting is brilliant. I can only imagine the psychological state of the lead actor after filming some of those scenes. The camera work is imaginative, the soundtrack is used perfectly, and the direction is inspired. This is one of those films that inspire debate about why subversive art is important, mainly because you want to rationalize the fact that you just watched THAT. It’s definitely not for everyone. This is not an “enjoyable” watching experience per say, but it is a challenging and strangely beautiful one.

4. Human Centipede (First Sequence) – The mad scientist movie is back! Just ignore the hype.

As I stated in the last review, hype about how “extreme” a movie is works backwards on me, making me immediately skeptical. Any time a movie is touted as the “sickest/goriest/most demented/most shocking” movie ever, I automatically put up my defenses. Is it the sickest movie ever made? Not by a long shot. Not even this year (see #5.) What it is, however, is maybe the sickest premise ever placed into a tightly paced, dark, bleak thriller. It seems that everyone who didn’t like this flick either does so either because it was too sick for them (if that’s the case, you might want to think twice about taking my movie recommendations), or that it didn’t live up to the hype. This movie is far more extreme in concept than execution. There is very little in the way of gore. This could have been just another hardcore gore flick competing for the gross out title. Not that there’s anything wrong with that by any means. I dig gore. A lot. I just personally think that in this case, with the unthinkable premise of stitching people together at the pie hole and poop chute, it wasn’t necessary. What really makes this film for me is the mad scientist himself. I’ve always thought that the mad scientist was a terribly underused horror villain. The other “science run amok” movie on my top 10, Splice, wasn’t about mad scientists, just scientists who went too far. Dr. Heiter, on the other hand, is just plain bat-shit crazy. He is portrayed by German actor Dieter Laser, who looks like the love child of Udo Kier and Lance Henriksen. He plays this part to absolute perfection. I’ve never seen him in anything else, but his performance in this film screams that this is the role he was born to play. The scene of him calmly (and with visual aids) explaining to his test subjects the exact procedures involving sewing them mouth to anus while they scream in horror is absolutely chilling. The best thing about this movie is the subtitle “First Sequence.” That sounds a lot like there’s gonna be sequels, and I can’t wait. Call me twisted, but the only thing that would have made it better was randomly inserted clips from Clerks 2 of Dante saying “You never go ass to mouth!”

3. Piranha 3D – A film that actually delivers on its promises, in this case; blood and boobs. These are a few of my favorite things.

Anyone who knows me could tell you that I’m a big fan of blood. They could also tell you that I’m an even bigger fan of boobs. When I heard that these were the selling points of Pirhana 3D, I had to see it, but I thought “there’s no way it will deliver the goods as much as they claim.” Boy was I wrong! There is gore and TaTa’s galore! In fact, I’m shocked this got an R rating. This movie, much like Sharktopus, does not take itself seriously in the least, and never pretends to be anything but an exploitative parade of B-movie clichés pushed far beyond the limits of good taste. It’s obvious that the makers of this film were having such a great time seeing what they could get away with that you can’t help being swept up in the crass, hilariously gruesome glee of it all. There’s not a damn thing in this film that isn’t 100% gratuitous. Let’s face it; no one went to see this for the story. It’s a good thing too, because it plays out like a couple of 15 year old boys saying “Dude, you know what would be cool…” The gore relied way too much on CGI, but that can be forgiven considering the amount of practical effects that were used also. That scene where the piranhas attack the lake party is an amazing orgy of mutilation. The outboard motor scalping was worth the price of admission alone. The nude underwater ballet is a sight to behold. Jerry O’Connell’s severed penis being puked into the camera by a fish? Why the hell not? There was one problem with this movie, however. Post converted 3D looks terrible, plain and simple. It only emphasized the bad animation on the fish. I would have enjoyed the 2D version just as much, but my 3D rant can be saved for another time. I can’t really complain about anything with this movie, it was just pure shamelessly sexy and violent fun. There’s a wet t-shirt contest that becomes a bloodbath? That says masterpiece to me. You bet your ass I’ll be first in line for the sequel. On a side note, is it bad that I recognized Gianna Michaels in her cameo as a topless parasailer BEFORE we saw her face?

2. Never Sleep Again – For Nightmare on Elm Street fans, it’s an 8 hour geek-gasm. ‘Nuff said.

Documentaries about certain horror franchises have become rather popular lately. Friday the 13^th, Psycho, and Halloween have gotten this treatment, and Best Worst Movie, about Troll 2, was a surprise theatrical hit this year. Never Sleep Again, however, will forever be the measuring stick all other horror docs are compared to. Clocking in at 4 hours long, yes I said 4 HOURS LONG, this leaves absolutely no stone unturned in its exhaustive look at the Nightmare on Elm Street phenomenon. Every tiny aspect of the series is examined from the origins of the original story, to the motivations behind the sequels, to a wealth of behind the scenes stories and footage. We hear the makers of part 2 finally admit to all the homoerotic subtext. We see Robert Englund on the set of part 5 bitching out the crew. We hear people wax philosophical about Freddy’s resurrection via flaming dog piss. I mean, it is truly all inclusive. With the notable exceptions of Johnny Depp and Patricia Arquette, nearly everyone remotely involved is interviewed. Sure, you expect Englund, Craven, and Lagencamp, but the freakin’ hall monitor with one line from part one? Screenwriters who had their scripts rejected? Dokken? Yep, they’re all here. This would have been more than enough, but it comes with another 4 hours of bonus materials. That’s 8 hours of NOES goodness. This was a straight to dvd release, and may be hard to find in stores, but if you are in any way a Freddy fan, or a horror fan at all, you owe it to yourself to track it down.

And the winner is………………….

1. Hatchet 2 – A love letter to horror fans. The best movie this year that NOONE SAW!

I’m not going to rant about how the first unrated horror film to get a major release since the mid 80’s could have been a turning point in cinematic history had anyone gone out to support it. Ok, maybe a little. I drove 2 hours to see it, and my 2 friends and I were the only people in the whole theater. Where was the horror community? It was opening night for a lot of local haunted attractions, so if you were working there, I’m not talking about you. I also understand that it was only in select areas, so if you live nowhere close to one of the 60 theaters showing it, you have an excuse. Anyone within driving distance, however, specifically the so called thriving horror community in Atlanta, has no excuse. The next time you want to bitch about PG-13 horror having no balls or about how everything is a remake, I don’t want to hear it. You could have helped make a difference. Oh well, you all missed out. Sorry, I’ll step off my soapbox now.

Even if this movie had been terrible, I would have loved it just for giving the finger to the MPAA, but Hatchet 2 is quite possibly the greatest pure slasher film ever released. I was not a huge fan of the first Hatchet. The old school-ness of it was enjoyable, but the jokey tone of the film made it more parody than homage. Part 2 fixes this problem. Sure there is some funny dialogue between characters, but it’s not Naked Gun level like some of part 1. Much of the humor comes in the form of inside jokes for the hardcore horror fan, from Leslie Vernon references to a Lloyd Kaufman appearance. The rest of the humor comes from the over the top violence, but I’ll get to that later. The 3 leads all show why they are deserving horror icons. Danielle Harris, mark my words, will be this decade’s biggest scream queen. The underrated and always entertaining Tony Todd as Rev. Zombie chews scenery like no other. His menacing voice makes me wonder why he isn’t tapped for more voiceover work. Personally, after Candyman and now this, I think Mr. Todd should be named mayor of New Orleans NOW! Kane Hodder plays a hulking killer as only he can as Victor Crowley, but he also takes off the makeup to play Victor’s father. I never thought I’d ever say these words, but this movie has Kane Hodder in a sex scene. Go back and read that again. It’s one of 2 sex scenes in the movie. The other involves a little mid-coital decapitation, which brings me to the real selling point, the gore. The copious gore. The glorious, insane, visceral, hilarious, unapologetic gore! Victor cuts a man’s head in half. Why is that a highlight you may ask? Well, because he does it with about 40 whacks with the BLUNT END of the hatchet. There is a death by gas-powered belt sander. There is a double crotch to head bisecting with the biggest chainsaw in cinema history. That’s just the tip of the iceberg folks, but I don’t want to spoil any of the other surprises. All in all, this is a great flick, and my favorite of the year, because it is obvious that director Adam Green knows how to please hardcore horror fans because he is one. When Victor Crowley and Rev. Zombie have their fight scene, my inner horror fanboy couldn’t help saying “Holy shit, its Jason vs Candyman! I have a feeling Green said the same while filming it. Go buy this on DVD February 1^st, it is required viewing.

So there you have it folks, my look back at horror in 2010. Do you agree with my list? Of course you don’t! I’ve looked at dozens of top 10’s for last year, and not a one is the same. What do you think was the best of 2010? Comment and let me know. In conclusion, I just wanna say Happy New Year you sick freaks. Here’s to 2011, and all the fear, blood, and guts it can throw at us.

2010: The Year In Horror Part 2: The Top 10 (10-6)

Here it is folks, the obligatory “Best Of” list. 2010 had a lot of good things going for it, and here are my picks. I do need to say a couple of things about this list before we get started.

First, Black Swan was without a doubt the best film I saw this year. Despite the fact that it is dark, and that the horror community has latched onto it, I don’t really consider it a horror movie, so it will not be on this list. It’s one of those films I want to see again before I talk about it, so I will hold off on reviewing it until it’s available on video. In the meantime, I cannot recommend highly enough that you go see this movie.

Second, there are a couple of movies that technically came out in 2009, but had such limited releases that most people’s first chance to see them was their DVD release in 2010. House of the Devil and Dead Snow are both wonderful films and well worth your time and money, but I saw them in 2009, so they’re not on the list. That being said, I reserve the right to put 2010’s limited release films I won’t get to see until their 2011 DVD release on next year’s list.

Finally, for many reasons, I missed quite a few films this year. Some I really want to see and just haven’t gotten a chance, like I Spit on Your Grave, Giallo, Rec 2, Sella Turcica, Horde, and The Loved Ones. Let Me In, Case 39, and My Soul to Take all came out while I was working at Netherworld, so I didn’t get to see them. From what I understand that was no big loss, but I’m sure I’ll end up renting them. I missed a LOT of independent films this year also. My list may have been different had I seen everything, but that the hell? All of these flicks get a big two severed thumbs up, and Nathan says check ‘em out. Let’s get this countdown underway…

Honorable Mention:

Frozen – This would have been tied for #11 on the list. Well done “this could actually happen” type horror, well built suspense, and some pretty good effects. The acting failed to impress me at times though, and it drug in places. Adam Green proves here that he’s not just a gore slinger.

Rare Exports - This would have been the other contender for #11. More a dark fairy tale than straight horror, it delivered some genuinely creepy moments, and its visual style is beautiful, making it a worthy addition to the Xmas horror pantheon.

Buried – Ryan Reynolds was good, but he needed to be great to pull this off. Definitely a visceral horror experience and, despite some story thinness here and there, well worth a look.

The Last Exorcism – Brilliant acting from the entire cast almost saves this movie from its terrible direction and bad ending. Almost.

Suicide Girls Must Die – As a horror flick, this is mind numbingly awful. Yet, I love it for some reason I can’t put my finger on. Although…nah, I’ll leave that one alone.

The Top 10:

10. The Crazies – A big budget studio made remake that doesn’t suck? I know, I’m shocked too.

You wouldn’t know it by looking at this countdown, considering 3 of them are on here, but I HATE remakes. Remakes of Romero flicks seem to come out at least decent though, and The Crazies was no exception. A plane carrying an experimental weapon crashes, infecting a small town’s water supply and turning most of its residents into homicidal maniacs. The government comes in to quarantine the town, and proves to be as homicidal and maniacal as the “crazies.” This film dispenses with the social commentary of the original, instead giving us a straight forward horror yarn about a small group of characters trying to survive the twin terrors of the government and their newly psycho neighbors. The makeup in this movie is very good, which is notable because in this age of CGI good “monster” makeup is becoming a lost art. My main problem is that it didn’t go far enough with the gore at times for me. For example, in one scene wife of the main character is strapped to a gurney with other infected people, and a crazed man starts pitchforking everyone in the room, slowly making his way towards her. This was the single most tense and suspenseful scene in a theatrically released horror film this year, but it would have been much more effective if each death by pitchfork had involved more than a trickle of blood. You don’t even have to show the killings, just a realistic amount of blood. That kind of unfortunate lapse into good taste made a potentially classic scene only damn good. That said, there are some pretty brutal deaths (the knife through the hand into the neck and the flamethrower scene in particular.) Some good touches of humor mixed into a good horror flick made this a remake I can’t complain about, and that’s saying something.

9. Necromentia – Despite its issues, it’s the most potent cocktail of deviant sexuality, bodily mutilation, and demonic forces since the Hellraiser sequels started sucking.

If you like Clive Barker, you should see this movie. Mr. Barker (as far as I know) had absolutely nothing to do with this film, but it captures the mood and tone of his work beautifully. The story, told backwards, shows us various characters who seek to gain something by opening a doorway to hell, and slowly reveals their intertwining back stories. Pearry Teo’d direction occasionally lapses into that tired, overused, shaky cam and music video editing cliché that’s so prevalent today. There is also one GLARING editing mistake. Where this movie shines is in the production and monster design, and boy does it ever shine. The sets look amazing, and lend a palpable creepy atmosphere missing from many flicks with 10 times the budget. The monsters are very effective. There is one scene, however, that single handedly qualifies Necromentia as a cult classic. Mr. Skinny, a demon that looks like a fat guy in a diaper with a pig head wrapped in wire and tubes, sings a “follow the bouncing ball” style children’s song about the joys of suicide to an autistic 12 year old, complete with the words dancing across the screen. Now that’s demented brilliance! Mr. Skinny has all the potential to be an iconic horror figure, and I, for one, would love to see him follow the Pinhead path, expanding his character in a sequel.

8. Night of the Demons – Everything you could want from an 80’s horror flick. What? It’s 2010? Your point is?

I love the original Night of the Demons, so I was expecting to be thoroughly pissed off by the remake. It turned out to be a whole hell of a lot of fun though. The story pretty much stays the same. The cast does a good job, although Shannon Elizabeth shouldn’t be playing a 20 something anymore and Edward Furlong looks like hell. Bobbi Sue Luther (Laid to Rest) is hot enough to make up for that and much more though. The demons themselves look great, and the true horror geek will pick up on some of them being homages to classic horror flicks. Linnea Quigley’s cameo will have fans of the original laughing, and the infamous “lipstick” scene is recreated and taken one step further. It also gets my vote for the best soundtrack of the year, possibly even the decade, featuring TSOL, 45 Grave, The Ghastly Ones, and Type O Negative among others. The drawbacks? It’s definitely silly and over the top, which I have no problem with, but would turn some viewers off. Most of the effects are practical, but when they do resort to CGI, it’s bad. Really bad. There are plot holes you could hide bodies in, and the characters are stupid even by horror movie standards. None of that ruins it in my book though. This is an 80’s throwback in the truest sense of the word, not in look, but in atmosphere and fun. It’s a great Saturday night drinking with buddies flick; dumb, bloody, and entertaining.

7. Sharktopus – A 50’s style creature feature done to cheesy, ridiculous perfection.

If you doubt the awesomeness of Sharktopus, I offer this anecdote. At the haunted house I work at (Netherworld in Atlanta, #1 in the nation by the way) there was a group of young boys going through screaming “SHARKTOPUS” at all of the monsters. That’s what I’d call cultural impact. This is the very definition of the “so bad its good” movie. It’s schlock on a level only movies produced by Roger Corman can achieve. Plot? You expect a plot? In a SyFy original? Fine. A Shark has been spliced with an octopus, broken free from its creators, and is rampaging while the scientists race to stop it. This is cheesy, but it’s good cheese. The kind of cheese where the filmmakers know it’s cheesy, and don’t aspire to be anything but cheesy. I call these movies VDOP: Vulgar Display of Cheese. You’ll hear me rant often about bad cgi, but when it’s expected and no one’s trying to pass it off as good, it’s awesome. The acting in this is astonishingly bad. There’s even a fist shaking at the sky “Damn you monster!” moment. I find it ironic that Eric Roberts seems drunk through the whole movie, and the next time anyone saw him was on Celebrity Rehab. The movie as a whole makes no sense at all. If Sharktopus is bullet proof, why are you freaking out because you’re out of ammo? If there’s a computer activated kill switch, why did you wait until he killed 35 people to use it? Why does Sharktopus roar like a lion? How can Sharktopus walk on dry land? WHO CARES? You can’t think too hard with a movie like this. This is bad movie Shangri-La my friends. Lots of blood for a TV movie, ludicrous acting and story, a 50’s style surf rock theme song (Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay/ and you’re never ever gonna get away), and cgi so bad you’d swear it’s from a Super Nintendo game. I dare say it’s this generation’s Plan 9 From Outer Space. ALL HAIL SHARKTOPUS! (Note, I am fully aware that this review rambled and sounded like it was written by a drunken 12 year old. Sharktopus killed that many brain cells.)

6. Splice – A thought provoking Frankenstein tale for the modern age… if the doctor had screwed the monster that is.

From the misleading trailer, this looked like another Species rip off, so I decided to pass. Luckily, when I found out that it was directed by the same guy that did the brilliant film Cube and decided I wanted to see it, it was still playing at the 1.99 theater. This ended up being one of the smartest films I’ve seen in years, with layers upon layers of subtext and a definite Cronenberg-esque feel. The simple “scientists playing god” setup gives way to a surprisingly deep psychodrama involving issues of parenthood, psychology, sexuality, relationships, and scientific ethics. Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, and Delphine Chaneac are all on top of their game here. Considering these 3 actors carry 90% of the film, and the complexity of the triangle, if only one of these performances had been subpar the whole movie would have fallen flat. While this isn’t gory, it is unsettling, delivering the best “Is he gonna…….OH MY GOD HE DID!” moment of the year outside of A Serbian Film. In the last 15 minutes it changes from drama to straight up monster horror, which, while I like monster movies, kinda felt out of place here. Another point in its favor is that it has that rarity among rarities, good CGI. The effects are great. This movie didn’t do much at the box office, but I have a feeling that, like Blade Runner or Donnie Darko, it will be revisited, find its market later, and gain a whole new appreciation years down the road. In fact, my remark when leaving the theater was “Mark my words, in 10 years film school students will write papers about that one.” Yes, it is that good.

Come back tomorrow and check out the top 5.