Phantasm Pinball!

Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball,

'But these ones have blades and drills and nail you to the wall
And now they're chasing me down the Mausoleum hall
I tell you, that Tall Man sure has some scary balls!

Here's something cool I ran across that I had to share with you guys. As if you need something else to waste time doing online, it's Phantasm Pinball! It amazes me that the Tall Man, possessor of the scariest balls in any dimension, has never inspired a real live pinball game. You'd think a movie featuring killer flying silver spheres would be a natural translation. Fear not though, Newgrounds has a flash version that's downright addictive. Just click on that picture below to be magically transported to horror pinball heaven. Time to put that supple wrist to work and see if you play a good game boooooooooooooy!

The 5 Greatest Horror Movie Mash-ups You'll Never See.

Remember how excited you were when you found out that Freddy vs. Jason was finally going to become a reality? I was too. Hell, everyone was. In the wake of that flick, rumors were flying about what team ups and battles we would see next. Pinhead was rumored to figure into Freddy vs Jason. Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky, Candyman, and all of the other great slashers were supposedly about to duke it out. Ash was even going to be thrown into the mix. A lot of these pairings did happen in comic books, where character crossovers are common. On the silver screen, however, the idea just fizzled and never came to fruition, which sucks. Bad. I was looking forward to it. I think there could have been a modern equivalent of those great old Universal “House of…” movies where they just threw all of the monsters into one flick.What  a huge missed opportunity!  That could have been a really fun era of horror history. Alas, as is usually the case, arguments over who owned the rights to what and who would make what share of the profits superseded what the fans wanted to see. While Hollywood may have missed the boat on the whole monster mash up idea, I have a few ideas of my own. What do you think? Would you pay to see these?

Evil Dead / Phantasm

Ash and Reggie Bannister are two men who have looked into the eyes of undead, demonic, otherworldly terrors and survived. Two average Joe’s forced to become warriors. Two… well, two heroes who take almost as much ass kicking as they dish out. They make quite the mighty chainsaw swinging, evil blasting, catchphrase spewing team. They’re going to have to, because a new enemy threatens our realm. The Tall Man has gained control of the Necronomicon and unlocked its secrets. He now wields the full power of the deadite legions. Not only is he turning the entire population of small towns into deformed evil Jawa things, but now they’re possessed, powerful, deformed evil Jawa things. Honestly, for this one, the plot doesn’t really matter at all. Ash and Reggie versus the Tall Man is about all you have to say. Plus, the look on Bruce Campbell’s face when Reggie introduces Ash to the four-barreled boomstick would be worth the price of admission by itself.

Hellraiser / Pumpkinhead

Ashley’s husband was the final victim of Skinner, a vicious serial killer, before he was apprehended. During the trial, with the press hounding her for interviews and Skinner hinting at “unfinished business,” Ashley decides to retreat to her mother’s house in rural Louisiana. When Skinner is acquitted on a technicality, Ashley is both outraged at the miscarriage of justice and afraid for her life. Her mother informs her that while the court couldn’t give her justice, she knows someone who can. She takes Ashley to an old woman who lives back in the bayou, who helps Ashley call forth Pumpkinhead to avenge her husband. Meanwhile, Skinner has discovered her whereabouts and is en route to Louisiana to finish what he started. He brings his “toys,” mainly the sharp ones, as well as a puzzle box he stole from an occultist he killed. He opens the box and, as the Cenobites are about to tear his soul apart, Pumpkinhead bursts into the room intent on tearing his target apart. Of course, neither is willing to cede their kill to the other. A battle between the demonic forces ensues and Skinner escapes. With Skinner racing towards Ashley with murder on his mind, and Pumpkinhead and the Cenobites hot on his trail, who will reach their victim first? There will be suffering, but whose?

Motel Hell / Texas Chainsaw Massacre

With the authorities sniffing a little too close, Farmer Vincent and Ida decide to relocate. Settling in Texas, they set up shop, once again making their famous meat products. One day Drayton Sawyer stops in and decides to try out Farmer Vincent’s Fritters. He recognizes that secret ingredient. He’d know that taste anywhere; it’s the same kind of meat he’s been using for his award winning chili. The two cannibal families forge an uneasy business partnership, with Drayton selling Vincent’s famous jerky from his chuck wagon and Vincent selling delicious Sawyer barbecue at his store. All is well until a van load of vacationers breaks down while passing through the area. Both families go after them, and it looks like there’s just not enough meat to share. There’s only room for one cooking dynasty in these parts. The truce is off and the fight is on. It all comes down to Vincent, complete with his pig head mask, and Leatherface in a chainsaw duel. Only one can claim this territory for their particular brand of culinary mayhem.

Reanimator / Bride of Frankenstein

Dr. Pretorius has tried and tried to cajole, threaten, and seduce Henry Frankenstein into returning to his experiments with giving new life to the dead. Unfortunately, it seems that after that unpleasant business with his monster, Henry refuses to take up the scalpel again. Pretorius decides to turn his attention to another promising student from his days at the University, a young upstart named Herbert West. He is delighted to find that Herbert shares his dark curiosities without all those pesky ethics that Frankenstein has suddenly developed. When his new accomplice shows Pretorius his latest project, a mysterious compound he calls his “re-agent,” it looks like the old lightning method is suddenly obsolete. Together, they set off to explore the limits of life and death. Can the two egotistical medical necromancers co-exist? More importantly, what monstrosities will this mad scientist dream team unleash upon the earth?

Human Centipede / Basket Case

Duane and Belial were conjoined twins. They were separated against their will when they were 12 or, as their parents put it, “that deformity was removed from Duane.” Belial was thought to have died, but Duane saved him and now carries his small, monstrously deformed, homicidal brother around in a whicker basket. Together they’ve set off on a mission to kill everyone involved in the separation. They’ve traveled wherever they had to, taking out parents, orderlies, and nurses. They tracked two of the three doctors involved to New York City. At the “urging” of Belial, the two assistant surgeons reveal that the final, head surgeon in charge retired and now resides in Europe. The boys head off to Germany to get revenge on the doctor who presided over their separation; a doctor who was famous for separating conjoined twins. In fact, Duane and Belial’s case brought him fame and fortune. He is none other than Dr. Heiter. The good doctor, having conquered the art of separation, is now interested in joining together. When Duane and Belial confront him, he sees a perfect chance to test his new procedure. He convinces them that if they spare his life, he will right the wrong by reversing the process and rejoining them. They agree and Heiter operates. When the boys wake up, however, they realize that this wasn’t exactly the reunion that they had in mind.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 8: Character you would want as your best friend.

Ok, let’s see here, who would I want as my best friend? By the way, I refuse to use BFF or any other ridiculous text abbreviation in actual conversation because that’s just idiotic. Anyway, it would have to be Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm series. He just seems like a really cool guy. He’s always got great cars. Maybe he’d let me take that beautiful Hemicuda from part 2 out for a spin. He’s a pony-tailed, guitar playing aging hippy. This means two things. First, he’s mellow and laid back, which is a quality I like. Second, he most likely knows where to get really good weed.

When the ca-ca hits the fan though, he’s a good guy to have on your side. He’s loyal as hell. Honestly, take a look at your friends. If suddenly the Tall Man, his legion of demonic jawas, and those flying death spheres were all gunning for you, how many of your friends would step up and say “You’re gonna have to go through me to get to him?” If you said none, then you’re probably right. Reggie was there for Mike though. He fought side by side with him even before the Tall Man killed his family. At first, his only motive was friendship. That’s loyalty right there. Going out of your way to help a friend is one thing. Taking on the Tall Man is a whole different ballgame.

He’s damn good in a fight too. He holds his own, thinks quickly on his feet, and knows some pretty useful tricks. I wouldn’t have thought to build a four barreled shotgun, would you? That shotgun is bad ass though. Watch the expert way he sets all those booby traps in part 2. Where did he learn this stuff? Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that I want this dude on my side.

As if that wasn’t enough, he’s also another brother of the saw. In Phantasm 2 he even has a chainsaw duel with one of the Tall Man’s minions. I have a special place in my movie geek heart for chainsaw duels. Hell, I can only think of three that ever happened, and Reggie was in one of them. He carries one everywhere throughout that flick. See yesterday’s post if you need an explanation of the whole “brothers of the saw” thing. His only weakness seems to be women. The ladies lead to his downfall every time. I can’t fault him for that though. I already have plenty of friends this is true for. Hell, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. He seems like he’d be fun to just hang out with, and a great ally in battle when necessary. I don’t know about that ice cream truck though. You keep that thing away from me Reg.

30 Day Horror Challenge Day 26 - Your favorite horror film to watch as a child

I didn’t watch horror movies as a child. I was a brainwashed little holy roller and thought they were evil. When we talk about horror flicks I watched as a “kid,” we’re talking about my teens. I didn’t have a VCR until I was 16, so I couldn’t really rent movies. When I got one, I taped them off of TV. There was one tape in particular that I watched all the time. It had 2 movies on it, both taped off of Monstervision. I know I’ve talked a lot about Monstervision in the last couple of posts, but I’m going to do it one more time. I can’t help it, it figures into a lot of my favorites. One of the flicks on the tape was the remake of Night of the Living Dead, but I already used that for Day 17. The other was Phantasm 2.

Phantasm is one of a handful of series where I like the second one best. We won’t go into the others, because that’s a controversy for another time. I’m not going to even attempt to give you a plot summary for this one. Why? Because it doesn’t make a damn lick of sense! It doesn’t matter though, because as Phantasm fans know, trying to figure out what the hell is going on is half the fun. First of all, one of the leads is recast for this one, Tuesday Knight style. James LeGros is a pretty good actor, but he just wasn’t right for the role of Mike, played in the other 3 films by Michael Baldwin. He was a little too buff and a little too tough. Sorry. The incomparable Reggie Bannister is back though. Since this movie came 8 years after the original, he gets the films “Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween 2” moment. Reggie and Mike are sitting by the fire. Mike goes upstairs and is grabbed by the Tall Man, thankfully still played by Angus Scrimm. Reggie hears a noise and gets up to investigate, magically looking 10 years older than he did 20 seconds ago. It’s a Phantasm movie though, so we don’t question it. Whatever you say Don.

It seems like Don Coscarelli came up with a bunch of ideas for cool scenes and came up with a way to string them together later. Those cool scenes, though, are cool enough that the incomprehensible plot is forgivable without a second thought. We have Reggie and Mike getting all A-Team in a hardware store; building a giant homemade flame thrower and a four barrel shotgun. I’ll repeat that, A F’N FOUR BARREL SHOTGUN! That flame thrower gets used to light a fireplace by the way. There’s an epic chainsaw duel. I love a good chainsaw duel. There’s a bad ass car. There are cool vast empty graveyards. There’s one of the funniest sex scenes of all time. The demon Jawas are back. The silver balls are back. Ever since I was a young boy...nevermind. This time, though, there’s a gold ball. No, I’m not going to tell you, you have to see for yourself. I mean hell, look at that picture. You definitely don’t want that ball in your mouth. Sorry folks, it’s impossible to write about Phantasm and not make one ball joke. Anyway, it’s got everything you expect from a Phantasm flick, with some 80’s action flick tropes thrown in. Who could ask for anything more?

This tape was made extra cool by the commentary of Joe Bob Briggs. Just ‘cause I’m a nice guy, here’s the intro and commercial break commentaries.

I used to be able to recite both Hemicuda speeches word for word.

I was little schoolgirl level excited when I heard that this was finally coming out on DVD. I already had Phantasm and Phantasm 3, and the discs were loaded with extras. I had read about all the cool stuff on the Region 2 release. They got commentary, convention appearances, TV spots, bios, trailers, photo galleries, the whole 9. Imagine my pissedoffedness (it’s a word ‘cause I say so) when I saw that in the US all we got was a lousy trailer. The DVD release blows, hopefully they’re gonna double dip on this one, ‘cause I’m waiting for a good release to update my VHS. Two severed thumbs up for the movie itself. Nathan says check it out. Or, if you’re like me, check it out again and again and again…