The Horror Movie Darwin Awards#26: Evelyn in Burial Ground: Nights of Terror

Truer words have never been spoken than that "You have to watch it to believe it" tagline. This one is for all of the mothers out there. There are a lot of things that you just shouldn’t have to tell someone. Some things should just be common sense. Some things shouldn’t even be a damn question. One of those basic imperatives is “Do not let your 12 year old zombie son suckle on your breast.” Read that sentence again. Give it a moment to sink in. I know that’s a lot of “WTF” to take in at once. Now, would the thought to do that ever in a million years even cross your mind? Didn’t think so. I don’t even know where to start with everything that’s wrong about that. Today’s winner did just that though. Seriously.

There are only two places in the world where a movie featuring someone doing something so unthinkable could come from, Italy or Japan. Italy gave us this one. I guess Japan was too busy making cartoon tentacle rape porn. Anyway, the flick is Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror. If I were to make a list of everything in this flick that makes absolutely no sense, it would take until Halloween. This flick is an absolute must see. Today we’re just focusing on Evelyn. Evelyn came to a secluded chateau for the weekend with a bunch of her friends. She also brought her 12 year old son Michael.

That’s him. Creepy as hell, isn’t he. He’s actually played by a 26 year old dwarf named Peter Bark and dubbed over by an adult man trying to sound like a little boy. Surrealism at its finest. Anyway, there’s a really bizarre incestual sexual tension going on between the two. At one point, this happens…

Yes, he’s second basing it with his mom. She was consoling him on a couch after a zombie attack when he starts feeling her up and talking about how much he loves her breasts. When he starts to, um, “try to steal third,” she slaps him and he runs off. As hard as it may be to believe, we’re not even to the stupid part yet folks. Later in the film only three people are left alive and Evelyn is one of them. They fight off some zombies when who should they encounter but the walking Oedipus complex himself, Michael. Michael is very much dead and very much zombified. Mommy doesn’t care, she’s just happy to see her baby. Apparently she’s had a change of heart. She was too hasty earlier. Remember what I said at the beginning about how there are certain things people should just know not to do? What she did next is precisely that. She ran to him, embraced him, let him pull her shirt open, and pushed his face into her heaving bosom, saying “Oh yes darling, just like when you were a baby. Go ahead, I know you want to.” I know what you’re thinking. The “Ewww” factor outweighs the dumbassery factor here, but for the purposes of the countdown we’ll focus on what a stupid thing that was to do. So, weirdo, how did that work out for you?

Apparently she forgot that zombies eat flesh. Congratulations Evelyn, you are today’s winner by virtue of your managing to put yourself in a position where you got half of your tit bitten off by your preteen zombie son. Yes, I really did just type that. What the hell is this world coming to? Way to go dumbass!