Review: Hellraiser Revelations

I really don't feel the need to waste a lot of words on this flick for three reasons...

1. I'll be making my worst of 2011 list in about two weeks, so the latest in the Hellraiser series will most definitely be coming up again soon enough.

2. Clive Barker already said it better than I ever could. On twitter he stated; "Hello, my friends. I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word 'Hellraiser' is no f*cking child of mine. I have nothing to do with the f*cking thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole." Ah Clive, ever the wordsmith.

3. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, in that case...


'Nuff said. Two severed thumbs down. Nathan says do not check it out.

The 5 Greatest Horror Movie Mash-ups You'll Never See.

Remember how excited you were when you found out that Freddy vs. Jason was finally going to become a reality? I was too. Hell, everyone was. In the wake of that flick, rumors were flying about what team ups and battles we would see next. Pinhead was rumored to figure into Freddy vs Jason. Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky, Candyman, and all of the other great slashers were supposedly about to duke it out. Ash was even going to be thrown into the mix. A lot of these pairings did happen in comic books, where character crossovers are common. On the silver screen, however, the idea just fizzled and never came to fruition, which sucks. Bad. I was looking forward to it. I think there could have been a modern equivalent of those great old Universal “House of…” movies where they just threw all of the monsters into one flick.What  a huge missed opportunity!  That could have been a really fun era of horror history. Alas, as is usually the case, arguments over who owned the rights to what and who would make what share of the profits superseded what the fans wanted to see. While Hollywood may have missed the boat on the whole monster mash up idea, I have a few ideas of my own. What do you think? Would you pay to see these?

Evil Dead / Phantasm

Ash and Reggie Bannister are two men who have looked into the eyes of undead, demonic, otherworldly terrors and survived. Two average Joe’s forced to become warriors. Two… well, two heroes who take almost as much ass kicking as they dish out. They make quite the mighty chainsaw swinging, evil blasting, catchphrase spewing team. They’re going to have to, because a new enemy threatens our realm. The Tall Man has gained control of the Necronomicon and unlocked its secrets. He now wields the full power of the deadite legions. Not only is he turning the entire population of small towns into deformed evil Jawa things, but now they’re possessed, powerful, deformed evil Jawa things. Honestly, for this one, the plot doesn’t really matter at all. Ash and Reggie versus the Tall Man is about all you have to say. Plus, the look on Bruce Campbell’s face when Reggie introduces Ash to the four-barreled boomstick would be worth the price of admission by itself.

Hellraiser / Pumpkinhead

Ashley’s husband was the final victim of Skinner, a vicious serial killer, before he was apprehended. During the trial, with the press hounding her for interviews and Skinner hinting at “unfinished business,” Ashley decides to retreat to her mother’s house in rural Louisiana. When Skinner is acquitted on a technicality, Ashley is both outraged at the miscarriage of justice and afraid for her life. Her mother informs her that while the court couldn’t give her justice, she knows someone who can. She takes Ashley to an old woman who lives back in the bayou, who helps Ashley call forth Pumpkinhead to avenge her husband. Meanwhile, Skinner has discovered her whereabouts and is en route to Louisiana to finish what he started. He brings his “toys,” mainly the sharp ones, as well as a puzzle box he stole from an occultist he killed. He opens the box and, as the Cenobites are about to tear his soul apart, Pumpkinhead bursts into the room intent on tearing his target apart. Of course, neither is willing to cede their kill to the other. A battle between the demonic forces ensues and Skinner escapes. With Skinner racing towards Ashley with murder on his mind, and Pumpkinhead and the Cenobites hot on his trail, who will reach their victim first? There will be suffering, but whose?

Motel Hell / Texas Chainsaw Massacre

With the authorities sniffing a little too close, Farmer Vincent and Ida decide to relocate. Settling in Texas, they set up shop, once again making their famous meat products. One day Drayton Sawyer stops in and decides to try out Farmer Vincent’s Fritters. He recognizes that secret ingredient. He’d know that taste anywhere; it’s the same kind of meat he’s been using for his award winning chili. The two cannibal families forge an uneasy business partnership, with Drayton selling Vincent’s famous jerky from his chuck wagon and Vincent selling delicious Sawyer barbecue at his store. All is well until a van load of vacationers breaks down while passing through the area. Both families go after them, and it looks like there’s just not enough meat to share. There’s only room for one cooking dynasty in these parts. The truce is off and the fight is on. It all comes down to Vincent, complete with his pig head mask, and Leatherface in a chainsaw duel. Only one can claim this territory for their particular brand of culinary mayhem.

Reanimator / Bride of Frankenstein

Dr. Pretorius has tried and tried to cajole, threaten, and seduce Henry Frankenstein into returning to his experiments with giving new life to the dead. Unfortunately, it seems that after that unpleasant business with his monster, Henry refuses to take up the scalpel again. Pretorius decides to turn his attention to another promising student from his days at the University, a young upstart named Herbert West. He is delighted to find that Herbert shares his dark curiosities without all those pesky ethics that Frankenstein has suddenly developed. When his new accomplice shows Pretorius his latest project, a mysterious compound he calls his “re-agent,” it looks like the old lightning method is suddenly obsolete. Together, they set off to explore the limits of life and death. Can the two egotistical medical necromancers co-exist? More importantly, what monstrosities will this mad scientist dream team unleash upon the earth?

Human Centipede / Basket Case

Duane and Belial were conjoined twins. They were separated against their will when they were 12 or, as their parents put it, “that deformity was removed from Duane.” Belial was thought to have died, but Duane saved him and now carries his small, monstrously deformed, homicidal brother around in a whicker basket. Together they’ve set off on a mission to kill everyone involved in the separation. They’ve traveled wherever they had to, taking out parents, orderlies, and nurses. They tracked two of the three doctors involved to New York City. At the “urging” of Belial, the two assistant surgeons reveal that the final, head surgeon in charge retired and now resides in Europe. The boys head off to Germany to get revenge on the doctor who presided over their separation; a doctor who was famous for separating conjoined twins. In fact, Duane and Belial’s case brought him fame and fortune. He is none other than Dr. Heiter. The good doctor, having conquered the art of separation, is now interested in joining together. When Duane and Belial confront him, he sees a perfect chance to test his new procedure. He convinces them that if they spare his life, he will right the wrong by reversing the process and rejoining them. They agree and Heiter operates. When the boys wake up, however, they realize that this wasn’t exactly the reunion that they had in mind.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 30: Favorite horror character, period!

Once again I find myself at the end of a 30 Day Horror Challenge and it ends with a question that is nearly unanswerable. Favorite horror character? There’s no way in hell I could pick that. One of the great things about the horror genre is that it lends itself to so many memorable characters. Plus, from Leatherface to Captain Spaulding to Julie in Return of the Living Dead 3 to Reggie Bannister to Dr. Pretorious and all the rest, I’ve already written about most of my favorites. So, since there is no way I could pick a true favorite, I’m writing about my favorite that I haven’t gotten to discuss yet. He’s the patron saint of pain, Pinhead.
In my mind, there are really two main kinds of horror, dark fantasy horror and visceral horror. Dark fantasy is the realm of monsters, ghosts, and the supernatural. Werewolves, vampires, possessions, haunted houses, ghosts, and all manner of evil beasties belong in this category. Visceral horror is body horror. Blood and guts, zombies, slashers, butchers of all sorts, mutilations and mutations are what this type is all about. One of the things I love about Hellraiser, the cenobites, and Pinhead in particular, is that he straddles the line between the two better than any other character. He is a demon and has a deep supernatural mythology behind him, yet his focus on flesh and the possibilities inherent in its mutilation kept him grounded in physical blood and guts horror.
He is very different from most other horror characters, especially in the time he first appeared. Hellraiser 1 and 2, Pinhead’s finest moments, came in the mid 80’s. What was all the rage in horror at that time? Right, the slashers. It was the age of the wisecracking Freddy type and the silent but deadly Jason or Michael Myers style. There were really no cerebral characters. There were no horror “villains” that carried themselves with class and poise. Pinhead came along and filled that void as the aristocrat of hell.
There were really two things that set him apart from the rest of the pack. First was the overall feel of the character. This was a character that didn’t jump around like Freddy or plod along like Jason. He almost glides. He’s graceful. You never see a sudden move. Every motion is planned out, measured, and meaningful. Pinhead seems to have discipline. He is devoid of emotion, yet has a little hint about his eyes and actions which conveys an inner sadistic glee and turmoil mix that is compelling and intriguing. Clive Barker’s characters often have that quiet, dignified evil that makes them so much creepier than the manic or lumbering killers that are so common. Candyman, Dr. Channard in Hellraiser 2, Dr. Dekker in Nightbreed, and Pinhead all share the same eloquent, elegant type of menace that really makes these characters chilling. Pinhead takes it one step further, seeming almost regal. He has a truly commanding presence. This is fitting, since Barker has cited his influence for Pinhead’s demeanor as Christopher Lee’s sophisticated portrayal of Count Dracula.
The other is the way he speaks. He is articulate, intelligent, and well spoken. Clive Barker described Pinhead as having “a streak of priestly deportment and high flown rhetoric in him that suggests this is a monster who knows his Milton as well as he knows his de Sade, and can probably recite the Mass in Latin (albeit backwards).” While all of the other major horror characters of the day either had cheesy lines or no lines, Pinhead had great lines. Freddy, the other most quotable horror movie character of the 80’s, was spouting lines like “welcome to prime time bitch” and “how sweet, fresh meat.” Pretty good, but definitely lowbrow. The other wisecracking slashers of the era were on the same page. Now let’s look at some of Pinhead’s classic lines… -"Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell." -"Oh, no tears please, it's a waste of good suffering." -"We have an eternity to know your flesh” -"Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven." -"Just come here and die child, while you still have the option of doing it quickly. " Damn he’s cool. No movie character ever, horror or otherwise, has ever had that level of cool in their dialogue. That’s, like, James Dean cool, but at the same time it’s so chillingly beautiful and poetic that it transcends scary into frighteningly impressive.
While he’s dignified and silver tongued; when it’s time to get nasty Pinhead can slice and dice with the best of him. The hooks and chains were brilliant. Since the fluidity of his motion isn’t sudden enough for stabbing or slicing, huge hooks on the end of chains coming lightning fast out of seemingly nowhere are his perfect weapons. Remember the “Jesus wept” scene? Has Voorhees or Myers or anyone else ever annihilated a body so thoroughly? The tools on his belt suggest that when he finally does get his hands dirty, he’s in no hurry. He’s interested in taking his time and making the agony last. That’s especially effective for those of us who interested in BDSM, taking the “pain as pleasure” concept and taking it to its absolute infernal extreme, effectively using what we’re into as an instrument to scare us. Well played Clive, you old pervert you, well played. He’s mentally sadistic too. He enjoys taunting his victims with the inevitability of what is going to happen. If you pray for help, the last ditch effort of so many, he’s quick to stoke the fire of hopelessness by asking “Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?” He will also constantly remind you that you did this to yourself. You opened the box, and he came.
Pinhead is truly a one of a kind character. He’s intelligent, which I find much scarier than your average kill crazed slasher. He’s not insane at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s good at what he’s doing, and he enjoys what he’s doing. He’s like Dr. Mengele, but with the powers of hell backing his play. He’s got some of the best lines in horror history. He kills without a second thought, and loves every minute of it, but he isn’t evil. He’s beyond that level. Evil is so passé to him. He is a monster in the deepest sense of the word, but overlaid with all of the darkest aspects of human nature. There is not another horror character like him, and I dare say there never will be. In other words, "Gentlemen, I AM pain.” What else needs to be said?

30 Day Horror Challenge Day 19 - Your favorite horror film involving the powers of Hell

There are a hell of a lot of great movies that involve Satan and the powers of hell. My favorite, however, is unique in that it involves the powers of an apparently Satan-less hell. What the hell? A hell with no Satan? Clive Barker says hell yes. Clive introduced the Cenobites in Hellraiser, but in Hellraiser 2: Hellbound, he introduces an entire new mythology and hierarchy to the infernal realm. Instead of the biblical lake of fire or Dante’s circles of hell, we get a never ending maze, more Cenobites, Leviathan, and a much more personal hell. It’s a hell of a movie.

Hellraiser is one of those series where I like the second film the best. Don’t get me wrong, Hellraiser is an amazing movie, and I know that is blasphemy to some, but I think this is a bigger, better, meaner, scarier, all around more horrific Hellraiser movie. The plot is pretty basic. Of course, no one believes Kirsty about the events of the first movie, so they throw her in Dr. Channard’s asylum. Channard, it turns out, is obsessed with the Cenobites. He resurrects Julia (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned) and tricks a mute patient named Tiffany into solving the puzzle box, opening the gates of hell. Kirsty has been tricked by Frank into thinking that he is her father. She is determined to save her father come hell or high water, so she goes into hell to find him. Channard and Julia go to hell because Channard is curious. The Cenobites seemingly head back just for the hell of it. Tiffany gets drug along and becomes a pawn in the game. Violence and much running through hallways screaming each others names ensues. Will they all live happily ever after? Like hell!

This film plays out a little less like the straight ahead horror of the first and goes for more of a dark fantasy feel. Normally I wouldn’t dig that change, but here it works. It ups the blood and grue quotient of the first. The violence here is pretty hellacious. The movie even starts like a bat out of hell, giving us the bloody origin of Pinhead. Short version; open the box and there’s hell to pay. The visuals, aside from a stylish as hell but very obvious matte painting, are great. The acting is actually much better than in the first movie. Ashley Laurence had obviously grown as an actress, and Kenneth Cranham as Dr. Channard is spot on. He has a low key British elegance underlying the evil, perfect for a wicked psychiatrist. Hellbound also advances the Cenobite concept, showing us how one is “made.” I dig the hell out of the fact that this movie set up its own version of hell that didn’t really draw upon any other mythos. Satan? Who the hell is he? Here we have Leviathan, infernal lord of law and order. I also dig the concept of each person having their own personal hell according to their own vices and sins. “Fire and brimstone” is just generic as hell.

I talk about acting, direction, story, effects, and that sort of thing a lot, but one aspect of film that I don’t mention a whole hell of a lot is score. I’m not big on orchestral scores usually. One really has to be something special to make me take notice, and Christopher Young’s score did just that. It is grandiose gothic at its finest. Dramatic as hell. My favorite use of the score is in the scene where Tiffany opens the portal to hell. The strings, horns, and choral elements swell and recede at just the right moments. It’s evocative of the almost regal presence of Pinhead mixed with an other-worldly frightening quality. Like the Cenobites themselves, it is genuinely creepy yet darkly beautiful. This score will only be matched when hell freezes over.

There are 2 things I’m not crazy about in this movie though. One is Channard’s conversion into a Cenobite. His human character is creepy as hell, the “Cenobite machine” is a cool touch, but when he emerges it all goes straight to hell. Cenobite Channard had the potential to be an incredibly cool character, but instead he starts spouting one liners that Commando era Schwarzenegger would have balked at. Then he beats the hell out of Pinhead and the original Cenobites. Just trounces them. Guys, what the hell were you thinking? That should never have happened. The other is when Pinhead stops the Cenobites from touching Tiffany after she opens the box because “It is not hands that call us, it is desire.” Um, excuse me Pinhead, but weren’t you eager as hell to take Kirsty when she unknowingly opened the box in the first movie? A bit hypocritical there, don’t ya think? Actually, I think Pinhead just has a thing for Ashley Laurence. I can’t say I blame him. I sure as hell would love to have an eternity to know her flesh.

Plot issues not withstanding, I’m a hell of a lot more forgiving than many are towards the Hellraiser series. Most seem to be hell bent on the fact that anything past the first one or two sucked. I thought they were good all the way through Bloodline. After that it went to hell in a hand basket. While I love the first Hellraiser, I think the series reached its peak with Hellbound. It’s one of my favorites of all time. Two severed thumbs way the hell up. Nathan says check it out. Hell.