420 Reviews: No One Lives, Hatchet 3, V/H/S/2, and Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan

I have one final thing I need to do before I am officially back up to speed and we can put that whole hiatus business behind us.  I watched a lot of flicks during that time, and since everyone is entitled to my opinion, I gotta sound off on them.  It would take forever to review all of them fully.  Besides, how much can you really say about a movie like Axe Giant?  So, for the next couple of days, it's time for 420 reviews.  I know we've got some new friends lurking around here somewhere, so I'll explain this concept one last time.  Feel free to skip on to the reviews if you've heard this one.
420 reviews have nothing to do with weed.  I'm not saying that I may or may not have been stoned when I saw some of these, but that's neither here nor there.  The deal is that the first place I started sharing my thoughts about movies was facebook.  At that time there was a 420 character limit on statuses.  It became a fun little challenge to sum my thoughts about a flick up in exactly 420 characters.  Not 419 or 421.  Oh no, it has to be exact.  When those bite sized reviews eventually led to this blog, I decided to bring that tradition back from time to time.  Plus, I get a laugh out of imagining the stoners who randomly clicked on this link expecting something completely different.
So, with that said, let's get caught up...

No One Lives

This was way, WAY better than I expected. There’s a refreshing “old school-ness’ to the proceedings. It’s well shot with minimal wobble-cam. There’s plenty of blood, a couple of nice twists, some creative violence, and even a little gratuitous nudity. Just be warned that every time someone opens their mouth, you’re about to hear something mind numbingly stupid. Just don’t let that WWE Films logo scare you off. 7.5/10

Hatchet 3

The gore is excellent of course. The cast is great. It’s about damn time Caroline Williams returned to horror. Danielle Harris is always good. Even JTRO got in on the fun. My problem is the tone. Part 2 played it fairly straight and the over the top gore created the laughs. This one takes a step back towards the parody feel that I hated in 1. Rocket launchers? Come on now. Better than one but not as good as two. 6/10

V/H/S/2

I hated the first one, but VHS2 blew me away. I would have rearranged the segments so that the weakest one wasn’t last, but we do get some genuinely creepy moments, a few really good performances, and actual novel twists on the played out POV gimmick. They mostly ditched the bad CGI that ruined the first one, going more practical this time. Plus, Hannah Hughes is HOT. I love it when flicks surprise me like this. 8/10

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

You’ve really gotta love “so bad it’s good” to dig this one. It’s dumber than the usual Syfy Original style creature feature fare, and that’s saying something. The acting is worse.  Hell, the CGI is even worse. The practical makeup on Paul Bunyan does look pretty good though. The guy in that suit has impressively expressive eyes and did a hell of a job emoting through the prosthetics. A cheese lover’s paradise. 3/10

SOC is back and playing catch up.

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Yeah, don’t all jump for joy at once. Well cellmates, I spent one week at the beautiful locale you see there to the left, and a week of taking care of non-blog business, and I'd say it's about time for SOC to be back in action. I’ll return to my usual reviewing/interviewing/pontificating/rambling ways soon. For the moment, however, lets just play catch up. A lot has gone down while I was away. First of all, I have to show off my finds I made while I was out of town.

In Myrtle Beach, SC, there is a local chain of pawnshops called Dick’s Pawn. I love Dick’s. Any time I’m in town, I hit up all 4 Dicks. In fact, one of my favorite parts of going to Myrtle Beach is Dick’s. Some pawnshops are a pain in the ass to deal with, but Dick’s has never been hard. Ok, I gotta stop with the dick jokes now. I’m starting to sound like the seventh season of Supernatural. Anyways, what I love about Dick’s is that their DVDs are always 2 bucks. Cheap DVDs are like crack to me, there’s no way I can resist. I’d put Cheap DVDs on a short list with (among a couple of others) whiskey, bacon, Slayer, and boobs as the things that make life worth living. Anyway, here’s what I found…

That’s 28 movies for $32. $1.14 a flick. Not bad huh? I think the gems here are Saw 2 (because this edition contains some of Darren Lynn Bouseman’s student films), the two pack of Corpse Master and Satan’s Slave (because it helps with my resolution to see more non Italian/Japanese foreign horror), Evil Breed, The Legend of Samhain (because it plays into a collaboration I’m hoping to do soon with another blog), and the Subspecies 1-3 pack (because…um, I shouldn’t have to explain that one). My favorite thing I bought during the trip, however, I found at a flea market…

Got it for a buck. Hooray for cheap horror memorabilia! Rockin’ with Dokken baby!

Ok, now that I’ve showed off my souvenirs (except for the prison teddy bear, skull covered inflatable mallet, and eyeball golfball, all of which I won at the arcade), unfortunately I have to address some sad news. During SOC’s hiatus the horror/sci-fi/fantasy community suffered a huge loss when Ray Bradbury died. It aggravates me when someone dies and all of a sudden they were everyone’s favorite writer/actor/rock star/whatever, so I am not going to sit here and pretend that I was a huge fan of the man’s work. Personally, aside from the Star Wars trilogy (there is but one trilogy and you WILL NOT say otherwise in my presence) or a little Star Trek (TOS) now and then, sci-fi has to be very strongly spiked with horror to grab me, even moreso in literature than movies. Bradbury didn’t write that style, so I’m not all that well versed in his body of work. I do love Something Wicked This Way Comes though. Sci-fi and fantasy are horror’s brother and sister however (you figure out which is which), so we all feel his loss. He was an ambassador for storytelling in the realm of the fantastic. Who knows how many imaginations that man captured and inspired over his truly illustrious career? For his contributions to the genre, and to storytelling in general, I thank him and I extend my condolences to his family and friends.

Good, the bad news is out of the way. Now on to some cool stuff. While I was gone they announced the cast for Hatchet 3. As you may know, I was not a huge fan of the first Hatchet, but I LOVED Hatchet 2 both because it stood up to the scumbags of the MPAA and because it was just a fun as hell gore fest. I have a feeling the third installment is gonna be just as good, especially when you look at who is in it. Kane Hodder (of course), Danielle Harris, Derek Mears, Sean Whalen, Diane Goldner, JTRO…I mean Jason Trost, and the one I’m most excited about, Caroline Williams! Stretch herself! My favorite “final girl” of all time! She’s not in nearly enough horror flicks dammit. Now I’m REALLY looking forward to this one.

The rest of the news is related to Dear God No. Remember that ad that ran in Fangoria with my quote? Well, it ran in Rue Morgue this month. Then, when I went to the DVD release party, I discovered that I’m quoted on the DVD too. I’m blown away by all this love from the DGN folks. Did I mention that the flick is available as we speak on a features packed DVD or Blu-ray? FOLLOW THIS LINK to get your very own copy. It’s a must own folks. One of the things that initially drew me to the flick was the killer poster by Tom Hodge of Dude Designs, and he’s done it again. The movie hasn’t even been filmed yet, but a mind blowing poster has been created for the sequel, entitled Frankenstein Created Bikers. Check this out…

You can’t handle the badassery!

Yes, I know a lot of other stuff went down in the last 2 weeks, but honestly, that’s all I remember, so I think that gets us pretty much back up to speed right? What? The Theatre Bizarre giveaway? I’ll do that in another post. Anything else? No? Ok good. Sorry for being gone longer than anticipated, but I needed some time to get some issues settled. I promise I won’t be away that long again, um…probably until next summer. Have I mentioned that I hate summer? It’s my least favorite time of the year. I plan on spending the summer doing what I always do, watching horror movies in the AC and waiting for fall to finally come around. What? That’s how you plan to spend your summer too? Groovy, lets do it together, shall we?