Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 21: Prof. Solomon in Urban Legend: Final Cut.

Back in June when I was participating in the 30 day horror challenge, one of the topics was “Villain with the worst motive.” This motive was so bad that it warrants inclusion on the countdown. I’m gonna shoot straight with you, folks; I honestly can’t bring myself to write about a movie this bad twice. You’ll have to forgive me, but would you seriously be so sadistic as to want to put me through this again? Of course you wouldn’t. That’s why I love you guys. Anyway, without further ado, I’m reaching back into the SOC crypt to bring you this:

“I have to give a little bit of a disclaimer on this one. Normally I’m as accurate as humanly possible when discussing movies. If I’m a little fuzzy on a detail or a quote or something, I pop in the flick and double check. Well, I haven’t seen Urban Legend: Final Cut since I saw it in the theater in 2000. That’s 11 years, and I’ve probably seen at least a thousand movies since then. That’s a VERY conservative estimate. I actually did check with my friends to see if anyone had a copy I could borrow. No one did. Shocker, I can’t imagine anyone actually owning this. That’s ok, I really didn’t want to put myself through that again anyway. I’m not even going to download it. It’s that bad. I did hit up that paragon of reliable information, wikipedia, though. I remember the basic plot and got the details from there, so if I’m way off here, bear with me. Then again, are any of you really going to watch Urban Legend: Final Cut to check? Didn’t think so. Even the cinematic masochist in me wouldn’t go that far.

I don’t remember a whole lot about the flick. Mainly I remember Rebecca Gayheart’s cameo and I remember thinking just how dumb the killer was. Here’s his basic motive. Back when he was in film school, he made a student film and submitted it to a contest for the “Hitchcock Award.” The guest judge hated it and cost him the award. Years later, the guest judges daughter is making a film for the contest. To get revenge for the slight against his filmmaking talents years ago, he’s going to kill off the people making the film, frame the daughter, and take credit for the film himself. This great plot was brought to you by the writing team of Scott Derrickson and Paul Haris Boardman. These guys would team up again the same year to kill a great franchise with Hellraiser: Inferno. Thanks fellas.

On to the killer. Ok genius, it seems we haven’t thought this out completely. Revenge is always a decent enough motive, even if it is pretty petty in this case. Petty vengeance is a staple of movies, and has worked excellently before. Here’s where the whole thing falls apart. First of all, Mr. Critic guest judge is dead. What’s the point of revenge if you can’t flaunt it in the persons face? That’s my stance, but I see how he would want to do it just for his own peace of mind. Here’s the really dumb part. You’re going to put your name on the film and claim it as your own. So what you’ve got is a movie featuring a bunch of actors and crewmembers that are now dead or missing. The last time they are seen alive is in your flick. Yeah, the one with your name on it. What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think the police are going to come to first wanting to know where your actors are? You just made yourself the prime suspect in the murders you’re trying to frame on someone else. This movie got the level of criminal mastermind it deserved. Eleven years after the fact, the only thing that really stuck with me about the film is what a freakin’ idiot the killer was. Now that’s a sign of a quality horror flick. “

So, how did that foolhardy plan work for ya?

Holy crap! You’re in an insane asylum with Rebecca Gayheart as your nurse? Wow, that’s a whole hell of a lot better than you deserve for concocting that ludicrous plan. I guess this is proof that, in the immortal words of Tom Petty, even the losers get lucky sometimes. You’re still an idiot though. Congratulations Professor Solomon, you are today’s winner by virtue of your plan being so bad that Scooby-Doo villains would laugh at you. Way to go dumbass!

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