Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown # 7-4

#7: Alex Atkinson and Max Hughes – Die Santa Die!

 
Sample Lyrics –

I took his teeth and made a puppet

His arms I slashed to ribbons

Cordless drill to legs and knees

His eyes did stare with sultry pleas

I have to thank Annabelle Lecter from Without Your Head for turning me on to this one.  A little boy (with a suitably creepy voice) sings of his lifelong hatred for Santa and the horrible things he does when he finally gets his hands on the red suited bastard.  I especially like the line about “barbed wire fists.”  Very Carnage Cup.  The video that accompanies the song, animated by Mark Bunting, is the perfect compliment to a great tune.  This is what Creepmas is all about.

#6:  Harley Poe – It’s Christmas Time Again

Sample Lyrics - 

Leave him cookies, leave him beer, stay in bed ‘til morning’s near

Run down the stairs unto the tree, cautious of what you may see

Your parents may be hanging there, thought they made a lovely pair.

It’s Christmas time again. 

Horror-folk artist Harley Poe is one of the fright scene’s best-kept secrets.  He’s kinda like Voltaire, but less pretentious and actually funny.  This is probably the best “Santa as a serial killer” song ever.  Sleigh bells and jangly guitars back a stern warning about making Santa’s acquaintance on Christmas.  You don’t want to find out what’s in his sack!

#5: John Kassir – We Wish You’d Bury The Missus

 
 Sample Lyrics -
 The last thing on Christmas that folks want to see

Are remains of your wife on your lawn Christmas tree

We wish you’d bury the missus, we beg you bury the missus
For gods sake bury the missus, we can smell her down here. 

During the holiday season of 1994, Tales From the Crypt was in its sixth season.  When any franchise is popular for that long, you know a Christmas tie-in is inevitable.  So they released an album called Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas.  I’ve never understood why they didn’t go with “Cryptmas.”  Anyway, it featured John Kassir, the voice of the Cryptkeeper, doing holiday songs and skits with his usual gallows humor and ghoulish puns.  Nearly every track is a classic (we’ll just pretend Christmas Rap never happened), but this one is far and away the standout.  For the record, (see what I did there?), the album usually sells for $25-35 on ebay.

#4:  Lon Chaney Jr. – Monster’s Holiday

Sample Lyrics –

They were making a list and checking it twice

Frankenstein wanted a shiny new trike

A new chain for Yarnush, a brace for Igor's back

A speed shaver for Wolfman, a new cape for Drac

Monster’s Holiday was originally recorded by Bobby “Boris” Pickett in 1962 as a follow up to his immortal classic Monster Mash.  It failed to attract the attention its predecessor did, but that didn’t stop Lon Chaney Jr. from recording a cover version two years later.    To the best of my knowledge, this and the theme song to Jack Hill’s underappreciated film Spider Baby were the only two songs good ‘ol Creighton ever recorded.  Now, I love me some Boris Pickett, but if you ask me, Chaney has the perfect voice to recount this tale of the classic monsters and their thwarted attempt to rob Santa’s sleigh.  Not to be confused with a godawful Buck Owens song of the same name.

Merry Cryptmas from Son of Celluloid

It's that time of year again Cellmates. Time for slay bells, krampus, "he sees you when you're sleeping," a big 'ol cup of cheer, donning now your gay apparel if that's what you're into, giddyup jinglehorse, Jack Frost ripping at your nose, and all that other festive stuff. It's a time for giving gifts to those who are special to you. That's where you guys come in. I love my Cellmates. I've said it before and I'll say it forever, you guys are the best readers a blogger could possibly ask for. That's why I posted this link so you can all download Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas, the Tales From The Crypt Christmas album. This being our first Christmas together and all, I really wish I could give you each a present individually. Unfortunately that would be both a logistical nightmare and REALLY damn expensive. Instead, consider this my little present to ALL of you.
Now I know I usually don't post download links. Here on the blog I do not take an official stance on piracy one way or the other. That's your business. Just know that if I thought posting this would hurt Tales From the Crypt, a franchise I love, in any way, I wouldn't do it. This came out in 1994 and has been out of print for years. The only way to get one is to buy it secondhand (at a ridiculous price), so no one is getting any royalties any more anyway. Therefore you can get this one guilt free folks. I love this CD. Songs from it have been finding their way onto my holiday mixes for years. It's 15 tracks of twisted ghoultide fun starring the original voice of the Cryptkeeper, John Kassir. My personal favorite is We Wish You'd Bury The Missus. It's the perfect music to put on while you rip into your presents like a rabid psychopath in the morning. Just click on the album cover for the download link.

Once again I'd like to wish you dear readers, your loved ones, and your victims a Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy the tunes, may you get everything you axed for, and God bless us, every one.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 26: Character that makes you laugh.

Hello Creeps! Glad you got caught in my little corner of the web. Now, before we slice into today’s question, I know some people have been complaining about my posts being rather gore-adic lately. Once again, technology has feared its ugly head. Scare with me folks. Besides, you know what they say, “people who live in glass hearses shouldn’t throw bones!” I promise bleede... I mean readers, if you hang in there with me; I’ll maggot up to you in the shrieks to come. Now, on with the post. It’s a bloody, beastly bit of blogging I like to call “30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 26: Character that makes you laugh.”

Man, I do love me some Crypt Keeper. He, or more specifically his comic book iteration, isn’t given nearly the credit he deserves for being as innovative and influential as he was. From 1950-1955 he spouted his puns and gory one-liners in the Takes From the Crypt comic, influencing countless future horror writers, directors, and actors. This was years before TV horror hosts started doing the same thing. Zacherly, Elvira, and all the others owe a big debt to the crypt keeper. Magazines like Forrest Ackerman’s Famous Monsters of Filmland and Fangoria have employed the style. I dare say that Freddy Krueger and all of the other smart ass slashers wouldn’t be making wisecracks if the Cryptkeeper hadn’t pioneered the art form. Then he brought the whole thing full circle by becoming an anthology host himself on HBO’s classic Tales from the Crypt series.

Samuel Johnson once said that puns are the lowest form of humor. A lot of people think that way. I could not disagree more. I used to do be a tour guide in Savannah, Ga, driving tourists around in a hearse telling ghost stories. I decided trying to take it too seriously would ruin the fun, so I started telling bad jokes, obviously inspired by the Crypt Keeper myself. In fact, on more than one occasion my tour was reviewed as being like “taking a ride with the Crypt Keeper.” I realized as time went on that a pun getting a huge groan was the exact same as it getting a huge laugh. That’s the trick. There’s a fine line between bad and so bad it’s good in pun humor, especially morbid puns, and trying to walk that line gave me a whole new appreciation for the brilliance of the Crypt Keeper. Those awful puns were great and actually very skillfully crafted. Yes you’d roll your eyes, but you couldn’t help but laugh too.

His great lines wouldn’t have meant a thing, however, if he hadn’t been brought to life so well. Kevin Yagher and his team made one of the most expressive characters ever, despite the fact that half of his face had rotted off. That puppet had personality! It took four people to control it. The face alone had 27 servo motors! The voice was the other crucial factor. John Kassir played it perfectly. He attacked the lines with such gusto that it sold them. The slightest hint of self awareness in his voice would have ruined the tone. He just went balls to the wall with the character, and that’s why he’s so damn funny. That cackle itself is a thing of beauty.

The Crypt Keeper is a truly timeless character. You could plop him down in any horror situation and he’d be gold. How many other characters from the late 80’s do you think could resonate with audiences without having to be “rebooted” or given a modern makeover? I betcha the Crypt Keeper could. There will always be a place for his style of humor. He kills me. There’s really not much else to say, so I’ll let the corpse of the hour end this one himself. Pleasant screams!

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 11: Vamp you would let bite you.

There are really only two reasons that a vampire will bite you. One is just to feed. Since that is usually accompanied by a slight case of death, I’ll pass on letting any vampire bite me for that reason. The only other reason vampires bite you usually has something to do with becoming the vampires undead lover. That I could be cool with. Who to pick though? There are so many sexy vampires in cinema history. It kinda goes with the territory. Vampires have always been the sexiest movie monster. Ever since Lugosi as Dracula made 30’s women swoon there has been a strong, darkly seductive aspect of the blood drinking undead that movies like to focus on.

So, which of the lovely vampire ladies would I let bite me. Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt) in Countess Dracula? Hmmm, a strong contender, but not my choice. Princess Karody (Soledad Miranda) in Vampyros Lesbos? That whole lesbian vampire thing sorta disqualifies me unfortunately. Miriam Blaylock (Catherine Deneuve) in The Hunger? Nah, I’ve seen what she does with her men. Satanica Pandemonium (Salma Hayak) in From Dusk ‘til Dawn? Hot as hell, but I can’t handle the whole snake thing. On a side note, Salma Hayak was SO much hotter when she had some meat on her. Maybe Fran (Marianne Morris) and Miriam (Anulka) from Vampyres. That might have been my pick, but someone beat me to it.

To the shock of absolutely no one who knows me, this decision comes down to two redheads. Did I mention I have a thing for them? Anyway, what’s better than a hot redhead vampire? A hot redhead vampire in black leather! Even though you’re just my type Bloodrayne (Kristanna Loken), you’re first runner up. Besides, you’re in a Uwe Boll movie, so I’ve never even seen your whole flick. Due to beauty, pedigree, and fringe benefits, I’m going with Lilith (Angie Everhart) from Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood.

First of all the obvious, she’s drop dead gorgeous. With that bouncing fiery mane, the classic good looks, and the smokin’ body, she’s just plain beautiful. Second, if I’m gonna get bitten and turned into a suck monkey, I want it to be by a powerful one that’s been around for a while and will give me a strong bloodline. Lilith is the mother of all vampires. I do believe that qualifies. Third, there are definite fringe benefits. Even if she just turns me and doesn’t take me as her personal vampire boy toy, I could get the same deal Cory Feldman did. He got bit, and until that asshat Dennis Miller got involved, he spent his life in that cool funeral home brothel frolicking with vampire whores. I can definitely think of worse fates than that. Hell, she may even be able to introduce me to the Crypt Keeper. I’ve always wanted to hang out with him. Oh yeah, and she’s hot . I think I forgot to mention that.