The Horror Movie Darwin Awards#28: Glenn in Dawn of the Dead (remake)

On the list of unnecessary remakes, Dawn of the Dead is pretty high. Besides the whole sprinting zombie thing, however, it actually turned out pretty good. The climax of the film differs in that there are more survivors in the mall and they have no chopper to make their escape in. Instead they go all A-team on a couple of small buses. They outfit them with armor and my personal favorite modification, slits in the sides. What are these slits for? For chainsawing zombies that might be clinging to the side of the bus, of course. I swear, the next vehicle I buy will have chainsaw slits. Actually, after seeing what happened to today's winner, that might not be such a great idea. Chainsaws mounted to the side of the car instead? There we go. Anyway, the survivors use these buses to make a run for it. Pretty smart so far, right? Well, that’s about to change.

These buses are not exactly the smoothest rides. In fact, the people inside are being thrown around like rag dolls. There is one zombie, I repeat, ONE ZOMBIE hanging on to the side. I wouldn’t say the situation is chainsaw worthy. First of all, starting a chainsaw in a moving vehicle, particularly one where the ride is bumpy enough that you can’t even maintain your seat, is not a good idea. I don’t care if you are a lumberjack with 30 years of chainsaw experience, it’s just not a good idea. Hell, I’ve been running chainsaws in haunted house attractions since I was twelve. I’d call myself quite proficient with them. I'm not bragging here, I'm just trying to prove a point. They don’t call me Chainsaw Nate for nothing. I’m not one of those lame asses that go by a nickname they gave themselves. My exploits with the saw got me that moniker, and I wouldn’t even start one in a moving vehicle to kill one zombie. Someone did however. There are plenty of able bodied men and women in these buses. Ving freakin' Rhames is in the bus for crying out loud. Who’s the one who decides it’s a good idea to get all Ash with the saw? This guy…

Yes, that guy. Glenn, the old church organist. Of all the people in the bus, he’s the last one I would trust with the saw. When he says “I’ve got him” no one suggests that maybe he’s not the man for the job. Glenn decides he’s going to crank up the saw and do a little zombie vivisection while being thrown around. So, how did that work out for you?

Awesome, you got hi…oh wait. That’s not the zombie, is it? Nope, that’s Monica, one of the other survivors. Sorry Monica. My bad. Not only does he kill her, but himself as well. He also splashes blood all over the driver and windshield, effectively causing the bus to flip and nearly kill everyone. Smooth. Congratulations Glenn, you are today’s winner by virtue of your starting a chainsaw in a bouncing vehicle, which should never be attempted unless your name is Leatherface. Way to go dumbass!