Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #2: Judy in Friday the 13th 7

Friday the 13th is officially the franchise with the most entries on this list. These flicks certainly seem to have more than their fair share of dumbassery, don’t they? This is my favorite, however, because it set up my favorite kill of the whole series.

Remember when you were a kid and you were scared of what might be lurking in the dark corners of your bedroom at night? You would shut your eyes or cover your head with the covers and count on the proven scientific law of “I can’t see you, so you aren’t really there” to see you through. It worked, didn’t it? Of course it did. I’d be willing to bet that none of you were ever actually attacked by the boogie man, the monsters under the bed, or whatever was lurking in the closet. You know who that doesn’t work on though? Jason F’n Voorhees. Yes, F’n is in fact Jason’s middle name.

Dan and Judy are your average camping couple looking for a little woodland whoopee. Dan went off to get firewood and got a little deep torso fisting and vertebreaker action for his troubles courtesy of Jason. Judy, meanwhile, is waiting in her sleeping bag, naked and ready. Expecting her man, instead she sees this…

He sees her. She knows he sees her. So, instead of even making an attempt at getting away, what does she do?

She covers her head with the sleeping bag. Brilliant. He’ll never find you there. Sure, he was already reaching for you, but he’ll be so confused when he can’t see you that he’ll just go away, right? Um, no. So, how did that work out for you? (Note: the video quality is pretty rough, but this is what the kill looked like before the damn MPAA got their grubby little mitts on it.)

Kids, the moral of the story is that the boogie man and the monsters under the bed are imaginary. This strategy works on imaginary monsters. Jason F’n Voorhees is real. There may not be anything you can do to stop him, but trying to get away will definitely buy you more time than the old “I don’t see you, you don’t see me” routine. Congratulations Judy, you are today’s winner by virtue of your reverting back to 3 year old tactics when faced with Jason F’n Voorhees. Way to go dumbass!

1 comment:

Fred [The Wolf] said...

I remember watching this for the first time in theaters at 7 years old, even knowing then what a stupid bitch Judy was. I mean, really - hiding inside a sleeping bag when he's fucking looking at you. Yeah, what a genius. My favorite kill in any horror film and rightfully justified.

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