Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #13: Jenny and Lindsay in Human Centipede

One of the major things people call stupid horror characters on is their complete lack of instincts. Their creepiness detectors all seem to be broken until it’s way too late. Often characters will stay in a situation that would cause normal people to say “this is too weird for me” or “this is going to end badly” or “screw this, I’m out.” One of the worst recent examples of this was when Lindsay and Jenny encounter Dr. Heiter in Human Centipede: First Sequence.

Meet Lindsay and Jenny, Americans road tripping through Europe. After their car breaks down and they are forced to walk in the rain, the girls come upon the house of Dr. Heiter. Let’s play “How long would it take for your ‘this guy is probably going to kill me’ alarm to go off.”

When he opens the door, his first response is to look around suspiciously and ask “Are you alone?” When you say that you are, his face lights up and he invites you inside. Are you suspicious yet? No? Really? I’d be saying “No thanks” over my shoulder as I hightailed it out of there, and I’m a big dude. These are two tiny little chicks. Ok, whatever you say, lets continue. So you’re inside now (doh!), and he asks you to sit. By the way, the whole time he’s giving you this look…

Still nothing? Really? Ok, we’ll go on. He asks if you are tourists, then asks if you are relatives. He looks extremely disappointed that you’re not related. While these girls couldn’t have known why he was asking, that’s still a little bizarre. Creeped out yet? No? Did I mention that he’s still looking at you like this?

Still nothing? Ok, here’s the final test. He asks if you’d like something to drink. I thought every young woman, especially two from New York City, would know not to accept a drink from a strange guy in his own home, ESPECIALLY one he left the room to prepare. “Water is fine” is your response? Are you shitting me? You’re accepting a drink this weirdo brought from the other room? From the looks the girls are giving each other, you can tell that they think he’s weird, but instead of taking this opportunity to slip out while he’s in the kitchen, they stick around and DRINK THE WATER HE GIVES THEM! Fail! By the time he tells them that he doesn’t like human beings, flips out when one of them spills their water, and they decide it’s time to split, it’s too late. They’ve already downed their Roofie Coladas and are well on their way to la-la land. So gals, how did that work out for you?

Holy shit! There have been some pretty bad pics that have followed that question throughout the countdown, and there will be more to come, but that one takes the cake. You are royally screwed. I would most definitely rather be dead than stitched together pie hole to poop schute. Congratulations ladies, you just followed your complete lack of intuition into the worst fate imaginable. Way to go dumbass (to mouth)!

1 comment:

pturner1010 said...

pie hole to poop schute... nice way of putting it! Let's see how psycho Martin catches his prey in the sequel!

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