Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #7: Russell Franklin in Deep Blue Sea

What? Samuel L. Jackson? The badass of all badasses? What is he doing here? There’s no way he could be the recipient of a Horror Movie Darwin Award. That’s just hard to believe. Well, in the words of the old man from Garfield’s Halloween Adventure (told you I’d work that reference in here somewhere) “Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it my friends!” There was a moment where even Shaft himself fell victim to sheer stupidity. Don’t worry though, he stayed cool to the end.

Deep Blue Sea takes place aboard Aquatica, a state of the art science facility that is mostly submerged in the middle of the Ocean. These are supposedly smart people, and the best name they could come up with was Aquatica? Does that sound like a lame exhibit at Epcot Center to anyone else? Anyway, they’ve been researching sharks, looking for a way to use their brains to treat Alzheimer’s. In an effort to have more brain to study, they have genetically engineered three giant, super intelligent sharks that live in caged in lagoons around the underwater lab. Can I see a show of hands of how many of you would have already hauled ass away from Aquatica as fast as possible based on that last sentence please? Yeah, me too. The investors were getting antsy and wanted to see results, so they sent Russell Franklin, played by Mr. Jackson, to check it out. I think we’ve all seen enough killer animal movies to know what happens next. The sharks break into the facility. One by one sections of Aquatica are flooding. The scientists make their way to the wet-dock, where they find that their submarine is kaput.

While everyone is fighting amongst themselves about what to do next, Russell decides that he has had it with these motherf**king sharks in this motherf**king lab, and gives a speech. Yes, he thinks these sharks deserve to die and he hopes they burn in hell! Wait, that wasn’t it. It was a rousing speech about how they have a much better chance of surviving if they stop squabbling and make a break for it. The only problem is, he gives this soliloquy standing next to the diving pool. The room is pretty big, but he’s pontificating while standing as close to the water (where the super sharks are) as he possibly can. This guy is heralded as a hero for surviving a mountain climbing accident, but that doesn’t seem like a very good survival strategy to me. So, how did that work out for you?

He got eaten by a godawful CGI shark. Actually, that shark struck down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger. Gobbled him up like a Royale with cheese. Come on now, doesn’t Samuel L. Jackson deserve a better death than not? Actually, no. This is proof that no matter who you are, if you do something stupid in a horror flick, most of the time your idiocy will cost you your life. That’s the way it ought to be, even if you are a Jedi. Congratulations Russell Franklin, you are today’s winner by virtue of your choosing to give your speech about getting away from the sharks in the only spot where the sharks could get you. To a man normally hailed as a badass, today we say “Way to go dumbass!”

1 comment:

pturner1010 said...

Might seem bloody obvious in hindsight but this death made me jump out of my skin and I was gobsmacked they decided to kill off Sam LJ this early in the proceedings!

Shame they didn't do the same in Snakes on a Plane!

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