Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 16: Lewis in Pet Sematary

I’m about to do something that many of you will call lazy, but I have my reasons. I’m going to reprint something from the 30 day horror challenge. I know, I know, this is the second time, but A: I already wrote about this topic B. the new readers haven’t seen it yet and C: It’s getting close to Halloween and I have very little writing time. I promise this is the last time. The topic was “Character you would most like to slap some sense into.” While everyone in the countdown would be a good candidate for a sense slappin’, I picked Louis from Pet Semetery. This is what I wrote then, and I think it sums up why he’s today’s winner…

“Louis, buddy, have a seat. We need to have a little chat. First of all, was this house really a good idea? That road out there is a death trap. You’ve got semis flying though there all the time. Your daughter’s old enough to know to stay out of the road, but Gage sure isn’t. That was your first mistake. Your daughter’s cat died. Not your fault. These things happen. Then Jud showed you the Micmac burial ground out past the Pet Sematary. He didn’t tell you what was going to happen though, so that isn’t your fault either. When Church came back as demon cat, you should have known the score. Now look, I’m really sorry about Gage. I know guilt and grief can make a man do stupid things. Burying him up there after you saw what happened to Church and After Jud told you what would happen was really stupid. Hello, the ground is sour! Jud wasn’t kidding! Pascow either. They were dead serious. Dead serious, hahahahaha! Oh, sorry. Not funny, not funny. You do you understand what I’m saying though, right? No? Well, of course you don’t. Grief and all, I know. Look what happened though man. He came back evil too. He killed your wife. He killed Herman Munster for Christ’s sake! At least you had the where withal to put him down. That at least shows that you can be rational. Now look at you though. What’s that in your arms? You’re taking Rachel to the burial ground aren’t you? What? I don’t care how long she’s been dead. She’s gonna come back just as whacked out as Gage did. Sometimes dead is better, do you not get that? I guess you don’t. Listen to Pascow. Pascow, tell him what’s up. Dammit, he’s still heading up there isn’t he? Look Lewis, Pascow can’t actually slap some sense into you, but I can. Put her down. Ok fine. Have it your way. SLAP! Do you feel better now? SLAP! How about now? SLAP! Are you gonna put her down? SLAP! There ya go man. I’m sorry I had to do that. I know you’ve been through a lot, but you were about to make a huge mistake. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one man. We all lose it sometimes, especially at times like this. That’s what friends like me and Pascow are here for. Tell you what, you just give her to me. What? Yeah, she’ll be fine. Just imagine her on a spaceship or something. What? No, only one season. Anyway, I’m gonna go get her squared away. You and just chill here and listen to The Ramones, ok? Pascow, yell for me if he moves.”

As we all know, unfortunately this conversation did not take place, and Lewis buried her in the sour ground. So, how did that work out for you?

Needless to say, they did not live happily ever after. Congratulations Lewis, you are today’s winner by virtue of your making the exact same horrible choice THREE TIMES! Way to go dumbass!

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