Monday, December 23, 2013

Creepmas Horror Tunes Countdown # 7-4

#7: Alex Atkinson and Max Hughes – Die Santa Die!

Sample Lyrics –
I took his teeth and made a puppet
His arms I slashed to ribbons
Cordless drill to legs and knees
His eyes did stare with sultry pleas

I have to thank Annabelle Lecter from Without Your Head for turning me on to this one.  A little boy (with a suitably creepy voice) sings of his lifelong hatred for Santa and the horrible things he does when he finally gets his hands on the red suited bastard.  I especially like the line about “barbed wire fists.”  Very Carnage Cup.  The video that accompanies the song, animated by Mark Bunting, is the perfect compliment to a great tune.  This is what Creepmas is all about.

#6:  Harley Poe – It’s Christmas Time Again

Sample Lyrics - 
Leave him cookies, leave him beer, stay in bed ‘til morning’s near
Run down the stairs unto the tree, cautious of what you may see
Your parents may be hanging there, thought they made a lovely pair.
It’s Christmas time again. 

Horror-folk artist Harley Poe is one of the fright scene’s best-kept secrets.  He’s kinda like Voltaire, but less pretentious and actually funny.  This is probably the best “Santa as a serial killer” song ever.  Sleigh bells and jangly guitars back a stern warning about making Santa’s acquaintance on Christmas.  You don’t want to find out what’s in his sack!

#5: John Kassir – We Wish You’d Bury The Missus

 Sample Lyrics -
 The last thing on Christmas that folks want to see
Are remains of your wife on your lawn Christmas tree
We wish you’d bury the missus, we beg you bury the missus
For gods sake bury the missus, we can smell her down here. 

During the holiday season of 1994, Tales From the Crypt was in its sixth season.  When any franchise is popular for that long, you know a Christmas tie-in is inevitable.  So they released an album called Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas.  I’ve never understood why they didn’t go with “Cryptmas.”  Anyway, it featured John Kassir, the voice of the Cryptkeeper, doing holiday songs and skits with his usual gallows humor and ghoulish puns.  Nearly every track is a classic (we’ll just pretend Christmas Rap never happened), but this one is far and away the standout.  For the record, (see what I did there?), the album usually sells for $25-35 on ebay.

#4:  Lon Chaney Jr. – Monster’s Holiday

Sample Lyrics –
They were making a list and checking it twice
Frankenstein wanted a shiny new trike
A new chain for Yarnush, a brace for Igor's back
A speed shaver for Wolfman, a new cape for Drac

Monster’s Holiday was originally recorded by Bobby “Boris” Pickett in 1962 as a follow up to his immortal classic Monster Mash.  It failed to attract the attention its predecessor did, but that didn’t stop Lon Chaney Jr. from recording a cover version two years later.    To the best of my knowledge, this and the theme song to Jack Hill’s underappreciated film Spider Baby were the only two songs good ‘ol Creighton ever recorded.  Now, I love me some Boris Pickett, but if you ask me, Chaney has the perfect voice to recount this tale of the classic monsters and their thwarted attempt to rob Santa’s sleigh.  Not to be confused with a godawful Buck Owens song of the same name.

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