Friday, December 20, 2013

420 Reviews: Dracula 3D, We Are What We Are, Bad Milo, All Hallow's Eve, Apartment 1303

A brief explanation: 420 reviews have nothing to do with weed, although I won’t confirm nor deny being high while watching the movies.  The deal is this: Before I had a blog, I did mini reviews on facebook.  Back then, statuses had a 420 character limit.  Now, from time to time I play my little nostalgic word game and try to express my opinions about a flick in EXACTLY 420 characters.  Think of them as fun-sized reviews.

We Are What We Are
I haven’t seen the highly acclaimed 2010 original, but this remake clicks on all cylinders. Well-built tension and good acting make this brooding, low-key creepfest stand out. It’s an intelligent, well-made thriller that still delivers enough of the red stuff to keep the gorehounds happy. I can see this being one of those horror flicks that non-genre movie buffs still take seriously. Yeah, it’s just that good. 8.5/10

Argento’s Dracula 3D
It hurts me to say this, but Argento continues to tarnish his legacy. This flick doesn’t have a hint of the trademark style that made him a master of horror. The only reason to believe he directed this crap is the presence of his naked daughter. Even a game Rutger Hauer can’t overcome painful dialogue, horrendous CGI, the worst score in recent memory, and the sheer stupidity of Dracula as a giant praying mantis. 3/10

Apartment 1303
Take every cliché that the dregs of the American J-horror remake boom taught you to hate, make them dumber, duller, and more hamfisted, and you have Apartment 1303. Nonsensical story line, some of the most illogical characters ever written, and hilarious failed scares. Rebecca De Mornay is pretty funny, but I don’t think she was supposed to be. How the hell did this get a 3D theatrical release? Impressively bad. 1/10

All Hallow's Eve
Comprised of Damien Leone’s short films with a new wraparound story, this anthology came out with no hype at all but turned out to be a nice surprise. The middle segment about aliens falls kinda flat, but just like the crappy aliens in VHS2, the rest of the flick is strong enough to make up for it. I could absolutely see Art the Clown as a franchise character capable of carrying sequels. A great Halloween flick. 7/10

Bad Milo 
I got worried when all the poop jokes started, but Bad Milo manages to rise above shit humor and be low brow but not sophomoric. It’s a flick with a lot of charm, a few genuine laughs, and even a little heart. The puppeteering is as good as the CGI is bad. Peter Stormare is perfectly cast as a kooky therapist, but he’s awesome in everything, right? Don’t let the premise fool you. It’s not as dumb as it sounds. 6.5/10

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