Wednesday, June 8, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 7: Favorite villain (human)

My favorite human killer is, without a doubt, Leatherface. Not the remake Leatherface. He sucks. I’m talking Leatherface from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre until The Next Generation. He’s my favorite for two reasons. First of all, he’s a fascinating character. He’s a freakin’ murderous cannibal who wears a mask made of human faces! What else can you say? Well, a lot actually. Based on Ed Gein, himself one of the most fascinating real life characters in history, Leatherface is a psychologist’s dream. Throughout the series we get multiple personalities, suspended childhood, gender identification issues, dysfunctional family dynamics, and about a thousand other psychoses. I tried really hard in multiple abnormal psych classes to get my professors to let me psychoanalyze Leatherface for a project. Unfortunately, I was not successful. Anyone that just thinks Bubba’s (yes, we are on a first name basis) just a backwoods retard with power tools has completely missed the point. I don’t have to tell you that though. You guys are all smart cookies.

More important to me is the second reason. It’s the fact that I have a personal connection with Leatherface. I feel a special kinship with him above all other horror characters. You see, since the saw is family, we’re brothers. Let me explain.

That’s me. There are actually quite a few people who know me as “Chainsaw Nate.” Ever since I was a boy I’ve worked in haunted attractions. In fact, I was only 12 the first time I ever chased someone with a chainsaw. I’ll never forget that moment; the vibrations coursing up my young arms, the roar of the saw in my ears, the smell of gas fumes wafting up at me, the grown woman screaming in terror before me. I was hooked. This was at a place called The Chilling Fields. I worked there for a few years, only getting to run the saw occasionally due to my age. After a season playing Jason at the Haunted Trail, I went to Blood Oaks when I was 17. Here, I was free to explore just what the saw and I could do together. I would chase people out the back door and through the parking lot. I lost count of the people who peed themselves. I learned that, just like in horror flicks, people tend to fall down when a big guy with a chainsaw is chasing them. I’ve made people faint. My coworkers all agreed that I enjoyed wielding the saw just a little too much.

Then in 1999, after Blood Oaks went out of business I went to Netherworld, the greatest haunted house in America. Just ask Fangoria, they rated us number one. Anyway, the owners were dead set against chainsaws. They thought it was a cheap scare. Two years later, they decided to try it out. I think my pestering had something to do with it. They knew just whose hands to put it into. From that moment on, I did nothing else for the next five years. I hate to sound like I’m bragging, but me and the saws became legendary. We terrorized people. I could tell you stories, but we’d be here for days. I kinda became infamous for a couple of things. I could start a saw in each hand simultaneously. I could start a saw behind my back without the person in front of me even knowing I had one. We had five saws, all the same model. I named them all and could tell them apart just by the sound of their motor.

I even sorta worried some of the people at the haunt. I used to talk to the saws and kiss them goodnight at the end of the night. I admit, and this is the first time I’ve admitted this anywhere, I did it partly to freak out some people who are hard to freak out. I also did it because I truly had a relationship with those saws. I compare it to the relationship a guitar player might have with a special guitar. Me and those saws worked together night after night, and I was extremely attached to them. Later, I tore my knee to shreds. How? You guessed it, chasing people with a chainsaw. Now, sadly, long nights of chasing people aren’t a reality any more. I recently moved back to Atlanta and rejoined my Netherworld family. I’ve had to take on other roles, but I still play with my babies from time to time.

There are probably some of you out there who think I sound kinda strange. You wouldn’t be the first person to tell me that. I know the power and romance of the chainsaw. Leatherface does too. When I went to see the remake and Jessica Beal chopped his arm off, I was pissed. When he couldn’t use the saw, I knew that wasn’t the real Leatherface. If I can start a chainsaw one handed, dammit, he can too. We have a lot of other similarities. We have similar body types. We both love barbecue. At least as of part 3, we both wear knee braces. The lure of the chainsaw, however, is what makes us brothers, and why he’s my favorite. The saw truly is family.


Cash Wampum said...

Well then!! I'm certain you might appreciate this. I chose Leatherface circa end of the first movie as my Halloween costume in 2008. Check it out!!

SonOfCelluloid said...


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