Thursday, October 17, 2013

What Halloween Means To Me '13 Day 17: Jimmy Screamerclauz

There is something very, very wrong with Jimmy Screamerclauz.  If his music, writing, and extreme animated horror films are any indication, his mind is a cacophony of eyeballs, fish stick tits, bizarre religious rituals, deformed children, brutal mutilation, hallucinogenic nightmares, and an unexplainable, perverse beauty.  He’s also a brilliant filmmaker.  His film Where The Dead Go To Die was my favorite flick of 2012.  Its real raw emotion fused with mind-bending subversive weirdness creates a viewing experience unlike any other.  I recommend it to anyone who thinks they’ve seen everything, wants to push their boundaries, or is just screwed up in the head.  So strap in folks, I have a feeling this answer is gonna get a little deranged.  Jimmy, what does Halloween mean to you?

“Rather than try and explain to everyone what Halloween means to me I’d rather just tell you a memory that shaped my childhood. My friend Billy and I were playing our favorite game of all time called “dodge the semi-truck” where we would wait for a truck to come and then see who could wait the longest before jumping out of the way.  Our parents would get quite mad when we played this game, mostly because our other friend Brad didn’t get out of the way in time the summer before and met an untimely demise. It was very sad, though I think we both secretly envied how much braver he was then us. He died like a fucking man!

Anyway, after dodging two trains in a row we decided to wander around the town waiting for nightfall, it was our favorite day of the year, Halloween. The problem was we were getting older now, we were just about 13, and the fact that we watched poor Brad get splattered only a few months prior made us grow up even quicker. Trick or Treating just didn’t seem to cut it for us anymore, but we still wanted to have some sort of Halloween adventure. After much discussion we decided to get some nasty revenge on a man in the neighborhood named Robert Jacobs. The previous summer I was hired to mow his lawn for $2o and when he wasn’t looking I took my shoes off and dipped my sock in the gasoline tank and huffed it. It made the lawn mowing experience much more pleasant and dream like. During one particularly hot day, the heat and gas fumes got the best of me and I passed out while pushing the mower and I ran over his little dog that was playing on the lawn. The dog didn’t die, but it lost one of its legs. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but he was pretty upset and not only refused to pay me, but also made me pay for the dog’s leg surgery! $1500 that cost me! Then the dumb dog just chewed it off and died anyway. The way I see it he buried my money, and tonight was the night we were going to dig up the dog and get my investment back!

We waited for nightfall and met up at the local creek. Since it was Halloween we decided to dress up in costumes. I decided to dress up like a skeleton but wanted to be a little more original then that so I put some fake blood on too, then I was a bloody skeleton. Billy dressed up as our dead friend Brad, which I thought was kind of fucked up but hey who am I to judge, after all I was dressed up as something dead too! We crept into Mr. Jacob’s yard and found the spot where the dog was buried, we thought it would be harder, but we just looked for the big three-legged dog statue he had erected. The glow of his eternal flame helped guide us as well, Mr. Jacobs must have loved that little guy. Once we dug the dog up we learned that the leg I spent so much money on had rotted away, I was pretty pissed so I lifted up the dog’s carcass and tied it to my face like a mask. We snuck into his house and pretended to be the ghost of his dog and asked him if we can have $1500 to pay the toll bridge it costs to get into heaven, he might have fallen for it given enough time, but before he could have time to process it, Billy had already put on one of his wife’s dress and started doing some sort of seductive dance for him, which I thought was quite weird and out of character for my usually more manly friend,  but before I could have time to make fun of and/or question he sexual orientation, an un-amused Mr. Jacobs shot Billy in the face with a shotgun.

Now, a normal shotgun blast would have blown Billy’s head clean off but Mr. Jacobs was one of those old coots that only has civil war guns and he was always just shoving weird shit down the barrel that he found around the house. So in addition to all the ancient bullet fragments that tore Billy’s face apart he also had a match box car sticking out of his eye and a swirly straw sticking out of his forehead.  We decided to was time to run and got out of there fast.

We decided to stop at this all night cheese steak stand and figure out what had just happened to us. The guy liked our costumes and marveled at how real Billy’s looked. Billy was kind of offended so he put one of his teeth in the guy’s tip cup. The guy was pissed at first but then saw it was an adult tooth and knew it was of great value to the right people. The cheese steak was delicious, Billy tried to eat his but the food kept falling out of the hole in his face. After that Billy dropped dead on the table, he bled to death. Apparently when you get shot in the face you’re supposed to go to the hospital and not the cheese steak stand. My best friend in the world died that night and it in all seriousness it should have made me hate Halloween, but luckily Billy died at 12:26 so it was technically November 1st. FUCK NOVEMBER FIRST! RIP Billy, and Brad, and dumb dog.”

 14 days ‘til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.  14 days ‘til Halloween, Silver Shamrock.

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