Hi. My name is Nathan, and I’m a sick, sadistic bastard. This weekend, I’m going to get to have a hand in someone’s real life bodily mutilation with weapons I designed. I can vicariously live out my viscous splatter-flick fueled fantasies of bloodshed, and it’s 100% legal! What can I say, I have a fascination with the way flesh tears and blood flows. You can come witness the madness too. Allow me to explain.
First, let me tell you a little story. Throughout my life, I’ve had two obsessions, professional wrestling and horror movies. I’m not the only one with the twin addictions, there seems to be a lot of crossover between the two fandoms. I discovered wrestling when I was 7. I had to sneak to watch it. I was forbidden to do so because I would end up trying out moves on my little brothers. My wrestling fan stories are for another time and another place though. I discovered horror movies in my early teens. Then in 1995 I discovered ECW. It was more violent and bloody than mainstream wrestling, and I became a huge fan. While watching the likes of Terry Funk and Cactus Jack, I heard tales about matches that had participated in during their days in Japan. Matches involving barbed wire. Matches involving thumbtacks. Matches involving beds of nails, fire, and explosives. It was then that I discovered Japanese deathmatch wrestling. I was enthralled. It was the “best of both worlds.” Insane violence involving willing participants, all for the entertainment of the crowd. This is the ultimate form of entertainment. Some of these matches are just this side of throwing Christians to the lions. Ah, those wacky Japanese.
Then, in 1997, deathmatch tournaments made their way to America in promotions like XPW, CZW, and IWA-Mid South. Oh, I forgot to mention, these things are normally tournament style affairs., either taking place in one night or 2. I watched these matches on DVD and the internet, but they always took place somewhere like California or Philadelphia that I didn’t have the means to travel to. Then, in 2006, IWA Deep South’s Carnage Cup, an annual deathmatch tournament, started in Alabama. I didn’t discover it until 2008, and never got a chance to go until 2011. When I finally made the trek, and it was everything I’d dreamed it would be. I saw a man get stabbed. I saw a man almost get his ear ripped off. I got too close and was showered in glass and thumbtacks like it was a macabre f’n Gallagher concert. I watched people get assaulted with razor blades, needles, light tubes, barbed wire, and an amazing array of other weapons. Live, it’s a whole different experience. To watch someone’s flesh open up like that from mere feet away is a truly mesmerizing experience. Don’t give me that look. Most of you are just as sick as me. Here is the highlight reel from last year’s show.
One of the matches was a “Fans Bring the Weapons” match. I made a variety of items, and they were all used to cause tremendous pain and physical harm. To make a long story short, some of my weapons, particularly the barbed wire toilet seat, gained a little notoriety on the internet, and that has allowed me to live out the ultimate deathmatch fan’s dream come true. The 8th Annual Carnage cup is this weekend, and night one will feature a Nathan’s Sadistic Playground match. Yes, a match featuring all weapons designed and constructed by yours truly. I have been given carte blanche to bring to life perverse devices for two men to assault each other with. They gave me an excuse to be, and encouraged me to be, as sadistic as I can be. They just might regret doing that. Two men, Neil Diamond Cutter and American Kickboxer 2, will soon feel the wrath of the Son of Celluloid’s dark imagination.
If you follow my personal facebook page, you know I’ve been hard at work in the lab, creating some of the most brutal and psychotic weapons ever devised. I will be the architect of someone’s agony. That makes me way more excited than it probably should. I’ve come up with a grand total of 10 weapons. Some are small, hand held things. Some are large behemoths of torture. I’ve decided to give you guys a sneak peek at 5 of the weapons that will taste blood on Saturday…
- The Barbed Wire Toilet Seat
- The Thumbtack Nunchucks
- The Severed Leg
Your suffering will be LEG-endary, even in hell. Yeah, I know, that was bad. I got this around Halloween and thought “You know what, this needs to be covered in sharp shit and someone needs to get hit with it.” That would probably get me arrested, so I’ll let them do it for me.
4. The Fork Drill
Here’s some math for you. Mr. Pogo + Abdullah the Butcher divided by Nathan = FORK DRILL! What’s more fun than watching someone get stabbed with a fork? Watching someone get stabbed with a fork that’s spinning at over 1500 RPM!
5. The Cactus Flail
This one is brutal. After making this bad boy, it took me almost 2 hours to tweeze all the little needles out of myself, and I was fully covered and wearing gloves! The little ones hurt like a sonofabitch, so I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t run afoul of the big needles. I can’t imagine getting hit with this beast. This is the only weapon I might feel just a little bad about subjecting people to…NAH!
…and that’s the small stuff. They’re the lesser of the evils when compared to my take on the classic Roman Scourge, The Glass Ladder, and a couple of other surprises, including “The Deathbed.” It’s gonna be a massacre folks. The crazy part is, that’s only one of the matches. Listen to the names of some of the bouts going down…
- Barbed Wire Spider web/Circus net death match (The object, knock your opponent off of a scaffold onto a barbed wire net.)
- Carpet strip house of pain
- Deep Sea Death Match (We’re talkin’ fish hooks here folks!)
- Barbed Wire Massacre
- SAW Deathmatch (Inspired by the movie. They had one of these last year and it was insane!)
- Fans Brings the Weapons Deathmatch
- Pits of Hell, Barbed Wire Tables Deathmatch
- 250 Lightubes, No ropes Barbed Wire, 4 Corners of Carnage, 30 minutes Iron Man Deathmatch (!!!)
-and, of course, Nathan’s Sadistic Playground (The 10 most vile weapons I could come up with.)You know you want to see this folks. The good news is, YOU CAN! Go to THIS PAGE for the details. It’s going down in Elkmont, Alabama Saturday and Sunday. If you are within driving distance and you miss this, you’ll never forgive yourself. There are people driving in from Philadelphia for the event, so anything less than 15 hours is considered reasonable driving distance. Shut up, it is too. Why do I do this, you may ask? Well, in addition to just enjoying the bloodshed, I have a dream. Sometimes, in a deathmatch, someone does something particularly twisted, and the crowd will chant "You sick f**k!" If one day I could make weapons disturbing enough to elicit my very own "You sick fuck" chant, I could die a happy man. Come out and experience the 8th annual IWA Deep South Carnage Cup. I’d love to see some of my Cellmates there. After all, it’s the bloodiest, most violent thing you will ever witness that you won’t have to testify about later. Nathan says check it out.