Thursday, August 4, 2011

The 5 Greatest Horror Movie Mash-ups You'll Never See.

Remember how excited you were when you found out that Freddy vs. Jason was finally going to become a reality? I was too. Hell, everyone was. In the wake of that flick, rumors were flying about what team ups and battles we would see next. Pinhead was rumored to figure into Freddy vs Jason. Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky, Candyman, and all of the other great slashers were supposedly about to duke it out. Ash was even going to be thrown into the mix. A lot of these pairings did happen in comic books, where character crossovers are common. On the silver screen, however, the idea just fizzled and never came to fruition, which sucks. Bad. I was looking forward to it. I think there could have been a modern equivalent of those great old Universal “House of…” movies where they just threw all of the monsters into one flick.What  a huge missed opportunity!  That could have been a really fun era of horror history. Alas, as is usually the case, arguments over who owned the rights to what and who would make what share of the profits superseded what the fans wanted to see. While Hollywood may have missed the boat on the whole monster mash up idea, I have a few ideas of my own. What do you think? Would you pay to see these?

Evil Dead / Phantasm

Ash and Reggie Bannister are two men who have looked into the eyes of undead, demonic, otherworldly terrors and survived. Two average Joe’s forced to become warriors. Two… well, two heroes who take almost as much ass kicking as they dish out. They make quite the mighty chainsaw swinging, evil blasting, catchphrase spewing team. They’re going to have to, because a new enemy threatens our realm. The Tall Man has gained control of the Necronomicon and unlocked its secrets. He now wields the full power of the deadite legions. Not only is he turning the entire population of small towns into deformed evil Jawa things, but now they’re possessed, powerful, deformed evil Jawa things. Honestly, for this one, the plot doesn’t really matter at all. Ash and Reggie versus the Tall Man is about all you have to say. Plus, the look on Bruce Campbell’s face when Reggie introduces Ash to the four-barreled boomstick would be worth the price of admission by itself.

Hellraiser / Pumpkinhead

Ashley’s husband was the final victim of Skinner, a vicious serial killer, before he was apprehended. During the trial, with the press hounding her for interviews and Skinner hinting at “unfinished business,” Ashley decides to retreat to her mother’s house in rural Louisiana. When Skinner is acquitted on a technicality, Ashley is both outraged at the miscarriage of justice and afraid for her life. Her mother informs her that while the court couldn’t give her justice, she knows someone who can. She takes Ashley to an old woman who lives back in the bayou, who helps Ashley call forth Pumpkinhead to avenge her husband. Meanwhile, Skinner has discovered her whereabouts and is en route to Louisiana to finish what he started. He brings his “toys,” mainly the sharp ones, as well as a puzzle box he stole from an occultist he killed. He opens the box and, as the Cenobites are about to tear his soul apart, Pumpkinhead bursts into the room intent on tearing his target apart. Of course, neither is willing to cede their kill to the other. A battle between the demonic forces ensues and Skinner escapes. With Skinner racing towards Ashley with murder on his mind, and Pumpkinhead and the Cenobites hot on his trail, who will reach their victim first? There will be suffering, but whose?

Motel Hell / Texas Chainsaw Massacre

With the authorities sniffing a little too close, Farmer Vincent and Ida decide to relocate. Settling in Texas, they set up shop, once again making their famous meat products. One day Drayton Sawyer stops in and decides to try out Farmer Vincent’s Fritters. He recognizes that secret ingredient. He’d know that taste anywhere; it’s the same kind of meat he’s been using for his award winning chili. The two cannibal families forge an uneasy business partnership, with Drayton selling Vincent’s famous jerky from his chuck wagon and Vincent selling delicious Sawyer barbecue at his store. All is well until a van load of vacationers breaks down while passing through the area. Both families go after them, and it looks like there’s just not enough meat to share. There’s only room for one cooking dynasty in these parts. The truce is off and the fight is on. It all comes down to Vincent, complete with his pig head mask, and Leatherface in a chainsaw duel. Only one can claim this territory for their particular brand of culinary mayhem.

Reanimator / Bride of Frankenstein

Dr. Pretorius has tried and tried to cajole, threaten, and seduce Henry Frankenstein into returning to his experiments with giving new life to the dead. Unfortunately, it seems that after that unpleasant business with his monster, Henry refuses to take up the scalpel again. Pretorius decides to turn his attention to another promising student from his days at the University, a young upstart named Herbert West. He is delighted to find that Herbert shares his dark curiosities without all those pesky ethics that Frankenstein has suddenly developed. When his new accomplice shows Pretorius his latest project, a mysterious compound he calls his “re-agent,” it looks like the old lightning method is suddenly obsolete. Together, they set off to explore the limits of life and death. Can the two egotistical medical necromancers co-exist? More importantly, what monstrosities will this mad scientist dream team unleash upon the earth?

Human Centipede / Basket Case

Duane and Belial were conjoined twins. They were separated against their will when they were 12 or, as their parents put it, “that deformity was removed from Duane.” Belial was thought to have died, but Duane saved him and now carries his small, monstrously deformed, homicidal brother around in a whicker basket. Together they’ve set off on a mission to kill everyone involved in the separation. They’ve traveled wherever they had to, taking out parents, orderlies, and nurses. They tracked two of the three doctors involved to New York City. At the “urging” of Belial, the two assistant surgeons reveal that the final, head surgeon in charge retired and now resides in Europe. The boys head off to Germany to get revenge on the doctor who presided over their separation; a doctor who was famous for separating conjoined twins. In fact, Duane and Belial’s case brought him fame and fortune. He is none other than Dr. Heiter. The good doctor, having conquered the art of separation, is now interested in joining together. When Duane and Belial confront him, he sees a perfect chance to test his new procedure. He convinces them that if they spare his life, he will right the wrong by reversing the process and rejoining them. They agree and Heiter operates. When the boys wake up, however, they realize that this wasn’t exactly the reunion that they had in mind.


Wednesday's Child said...

I won't be happy until the ghost girl from Ringu fights the ghost mom from Ju-On. But who would win?

DOC TERROR said...

That Phantasm vs. Evildead is genius. Good call. I could also go for Motel Hell v Army of Darkness (Farmer Vincent tries to turn the deadites into sausages and goes out of business and blames Ash... lol). Also, what about Mannequin meets Tourist Trap? It would really be a horror comedy, but Andrew McCarthy v. Mr. Slaussen... or maybe Meatballs 2 vs. Sleepaway Camp 2? Good post man!

Giovanni Deldio said...

Man, these are all excellent ideas! My fav is prob hellraiser vs. Pumpkinhead!

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