420 Reviews: Prometheus, Piranha 3DD, and Cabin in the Woods

Most of the time, I’m a little behind on the mainstream new releases. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, I’m not a “packed house opening night” kinda guy. You see, people have lost all respect for the experience of movie going. Therefore, I prefer to go to movies on weekdays; either at a matinee or the last showing of the night. That way there’s a lot less people talking over the damn movie and texting. Second, I’m broke, and movie ticket prices are obscene these days, so I wait for the second run $1.99 theater unless it’s something I REALLY want to see. Third, a lot of the major studio crap doesn’t interest me, so, once again, I wait until it hits the $1.99 theater. When I do get around to seeing these flicks, by the time I would be reviewing them there are a ton of reviews already out there. I don’t really see any reason to spill a lot of ink (proverbially, even though I still do a lot of my writing by hand and type it later) on a flick that has already been picked apart and analyzed to death. However, as a movie blogger, I feel like I’m not doing my job if I go see a flick and don’t say anything about it. I was debating about whether or not to write a full-fledged review about the most dissected and debated film of the summer, Prometheus, when it dawned on me what I should do.

Back in the day, before I started Son of Celluloid, I would write mini reviews on facebook. In fact, someone telling me that they were waiting on my mini review before they decided to go see a flick or not was the final kick in the ass I need to start SOC. Anyway, at that point there was a 420 character limit on status updates. Heh heh heh, 420. As you Cellmates know, if you get me on the topic of horror movies it’s hard to shut me up. It became an interesting challenge to sum up my thoughts on a flick in 420 characters. It’s not as easy as you think, but it was kinda fun, like a word puzzle. Therefore, I’ve decided that with mainstream (major studio, theatrically released) movies that I’m a little late to the party on and have already been analyzed to kingdom come, I’m gonna start posting these types of reviews. Each will be exactly 420 characters including spaces. I’ll still ramble about indie flicks or a major flick that I have something to say about, but most of the Hollywood fright fare will probably be done this way, at least for a while. Actually, I think I’m gonna call this new feature “420 Reviews” just to confuse the hell out of the stoners. So, here are the first round of Old School Facebook Style “420 Reviews” for your reading pleasure…

Prometheus:

Those disappointed by Prometheus must be victims of unrealistic expectations. It’s a visually stunning scifi epic that works on its own; the Alien connection is just the icing on the cake. No, it isn’t scary, but like most great scifi, it’s both a fun adventure and thought provoking. That final scene felt forced though. A great flick if you don’t go in expecting Alien. Ridley’s still got it. 2 severed thumbs up.

Piranha 3DD:

Not as good as I hoped, not as bad as I feared. The blood and tits are back, but the gore wasn’t quite as over the top, and the tits don’t measure up to Gianna Michaels & Kelly Brook in the first. The Hoff was hilarious though, and the Gary Busey/Clu Gulager duo needs its own movie. Jon Gulagher is progressing as a director. Didn’t blow me away like I was hoping, but it was still quite fun. 1 severed thumb up.

 
 Cabin in the Woods:
One big inside joke for horror geeks. I dug the references, I dug the Lovecraftian elements, I dug the stoner being the badass, and I loved the “every monster you can imagine” ending. I do think if you’re going meta on the horror genre, you should have a little more of old faithful, aka gore and nudity. My main complaint; the CGI looked TERRIBLE! I’m not a Whedon fan, but this was killer. 1 ½ severed thumbs up.