The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #14: Sidney in Scream.

Thanks to Scream taking this particular cliché to task, whenever you mention stupid things people do in horror flicks the first one people usually mention is “when the girl runs up the stairs instead of outside. That’s what happens in Scream. When Sidney is on the phone with Ghostface, she even says (about horror movies) “They’re all the same; some stupid killer stalking some big breasted girl who can’t act who’s always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It’s insulting.” Then, when she’s attacked, she tries to run out the front door, finds it chained, and retreats up the stairs. Ok Kevin and Wes, I get it. It’s supposed to be ironic. Don’t ya’ think? But it’s a little too idiotic…and yeah I really do think.

Take a look at this picture. This is the foyer containing the stairs and front door. She just came through that first door on the left, there’s another door behind that on the left, and the entire back of the room opens into another room. That’s three other options. We are never given a clear look at what’s on the right, but if the design is like most other houses, there is at least one other opening there. We’re only going to count the three we’re sure about though. She also totally had time to unchain the front door, but we’re not going to count that either. So, we officially have 3 escape routes that don’t involve going upstairs, which according to her comments, she already knows is a bad idea. Yet she ignores the three easier and safer escape routes in favor of the damn steps. Unbelievable. So Sid, how did that work out for you?

Awww, your boyfriend showed up to save you. Sid sure knows how to pick ‘em, huh? She lived, so she did get off easy, but she proved once and for all that the stairs have a magical attraction to women running for their lives. Congratulations Sidney, you are today’s winner by virtue of your making fun of a cliché, then not only becoming the cliché, but taking it up a notch. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 15: Jenny in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

I am well aware that I am in the extreme minority in actually liking the fourth Texas Chainsaw Massacre flick. The Next Generation is usually regarded as a cinematic atrocity. While I think they absolutely screwed the actual Leatherface character up, the rest of the family, especially Matthew McConaughey’s character, are awesome. The movie is a bizarre little slice of “what the hell is going on” that delivers the goods. It’s a lot lik
e Rob Zombie’s Halloween flicks in that it would have been good on its own without shoehorning in elements of a franchise that don’t really fit. In fact, it was shelved for a while until McConaughey and Renee Zellweger became stars. It just so happens that these two share a great little scene together where her stupidity buys her a whole lot of anguish.

Jenny (Zellweger) and her friend Heather are in the clutches of the lunatic redneck Slaughter family. At one point she is in the kitchen with all four family members. Heather is unconscious on the floor. She finds a shotgun and points it at everybody. Vilmer (McConaughey) pulls two shells out of his pocket, taunts her that the gun might be unloaded, and throws them on the floor at her feet. Let me repeat that as it will become important in a moment. The freakin’ shells are lying at her feet and the gun may or may not be loaded. Not an enviable position to be in, is it? Her fortunes turn when Vilmer gets pissed off at Darla, throws her down, and starts choking her out with his remote controlled mechanical leg. Leatherface is screaming in dismay at the violence (I told you they screwed his character up but good), W.E. is watching in amusement, but guess what no one is doing?

See that? No one is watching Jenny. She has a possibly unloaded double barrel shotgun, two shells at her feet, and an opportunity to load the weapon while her captors are distracted. What does she do with thus stroke of luck? Load the gun, shoot her tormentors in the back, and get her and her friend to safety, right? Nope. She just stands there and tries to wake her friend up. She doesn’t make a move for the ammunition. She doesn’t even check to see if the gun is loaded for crying out loud! She had the perfect opening to end the whole ordeal right there, and she blew it. That was your moment. Carpe Boomstick you stupid bitch! In fact, they turn around and suddenly remember she’s in the room when she starts yelling and brandishing the gun again…and she STILL doesn’t know if it’s loaded or not. Are you kidding me? So, how did that work out for you?

Turns out barrel one wasn’t loaded, which gave him time to snatch the gun from you, and now you’re in one of the infamous Texas Chainsaw Massacre dinner table scenes. These never end well. The girl always survives them, but like Sally in part 1, Stretch in part 2, or Michelle in part 3, Jenny is in a world of suck, goes through plenty of pain and suffering, and is scarred for life. We’re not talking group therapy and Prozac here, we’re talking quiet room and straight white vest. Just think, all of that unpleasantness with the family, the illuminati, your dead friends; all of it could have been prevented if you had seized the moment when it was gift wrapped and handed to you. Congratulations Jenny, you are today’s winner by virtue of your refusal to take advantage of an opportunity to make sure the weapon you were threatening people with was even loaded at all. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 16: Lewis in Pet Sematary

I’m about to do something that many of you will call lazy, but I have my reasons. I’m going to reprint something from the 30 day horror challenge. I know, I know, this is the second time, but A: I already wrote about this topic B. the new readers haven’t seen it yet and C: It’s getting close to Halloween and I have very little writing time. I promise this is the last time. The topic was “Character you would most like to slap some sense into.” While everyone in the countdown would be a good candidate for a sense slappin’, I picked Louis from Pet Semetery. This is what I wrote then, and I think it sums up why he’s today’s winner…

“Louis, buddy, have a seat. We need to have a little chat. First of all, was this house really a good idea? That road out there is a death trap. You’ve got semis flying though there all the time. Your daughter’s old enough to know to stay out of the road, but Gage sure isn’t. That was your first mistake. Your daughter’s cat died. Not your fault. These things happen. Then Jud showed you the Micmac burial ground out past the Pet Sematary. He didn’t tell you what was going to happen though, so that isn’t your fault either. When Church came back as demon cat, you should have known the score. Now look, I’m really sorry about Gage. I know guilt and grief can make a man do stupid things. Burying him up there after you saw what happened to Church and After Jud told you what would happen was really stupid. Hello, the ground is sour! Jud wasn’t kidding! Pascow either. They were dead serious. Dead serious, hahahahaha! Oh, sorry. Not funny, not funny. You do you understand what I’m saying though, right? No? Well, of course you don’t. Grief and all, I know. Look what happened though man. He came back evil too. He killed your wife. He killed Herman Munster for Christ’s sake! At least you had the where withal to put him down. That at least shows that you can be rational. Now look at you though. What’s that in your arms? You’re taking Rachel to the burial ground aren’t you? What? I don’t care how long she’s been dead. She’s gonna come back just as whacked out as Gage did. Sometimes dead is better, do you not get that? I guess you don’t. Listen to Pascow. Pascow, tell him what’s up. Dammit, he’s still heading up there isn’t he? Look Lewis, Pascow can’t actually slap some sense into you, but I can. Put her down. Ok fine. Have it your way. SLAP! Do you feel better now? SLAP! How about now? SLAP! Are you gonna put her down? SLAP! There ya go man. I’m sorry I had to do that. I know you’ve been through a lot, but you were about to make a huge mistake. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one man. We all lose it sometimes, especially at times like this. That’s what friends like me and Pascow are here for. Tell you what, you just give her to me. What? Yeah, she’ll be fine. Just imagine her on a spaceship or something. What? No, only one season. Anyway, I’m gonna go get her squared away. You and just chill here and listen to The Ramones, ok? Pascow, yell for me if he moves.”

As we all know, unfortunately this conversation did not take place, and Lewis buried her in the sour ground. So, how did that work out for you?

Needless to say, they did not live happily ever after. Congratulations Lewis, you are today’s winner by virtue of your making the exact same horrible choice THREE TIMES! Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 17: Diane in Jaws 2

Throughout the world, there is a long tradition of self immolation. Buddhist monks have used the practice as the ultimate way of rejecting the importance of the body in favor of the mind. Many warrior cultures use it as an honorable form of suicide, much like seppuku. In India, the controversial practice of widows burning themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre (Sati) has been around for centuries. In modern times, it has become an extreme form of protest, the most famous being Thich Quang Duc, a Vietnamese monk who burned himself in 1963 to protest religious persecution. You probably know him best from the Rage Against The Machine CD cover. Depending on your stance and the motive, this act could be interpreted as either stupid or honorable. Doing it while trying to kill a fish? No matter how you look at it, that’s Darwin Award material.

A popular internet meme in recent years has been to respond to any great evil or threat with “kill it with fire!” Apparently Diane had heard that phrase too many times, because that’s exactly what she tried to do. The problem is, that doesn’t work with something that lives UNDERWATER, genius! Do you really think this is gonna stop Jaws?

He can just dive underwater, put it out, and keep on swimming. You know who can’t do that? You can’t Diane! Ok, let’s back up a moment. Diane’s boat is getting attacked by Jaws. Not an enviable position to be in. She has to think, (I use that term loosely) quickly, so she…pours gas all over herself?

I’m thinking that she was going to pour it on the shark but fell victim to the violent rocking of the besieged boat, but it sure doesn’t look that way. She just picks it up over her head and turns it straight upside down. It doesn’t look accidental at all, but she sure gives us the “I didn’t mean to do that” bit. I mean, she doesn’t even come close to the damn killer fish with the gas, so I’m not really sure how his head caught on fire. Anyway, now that she’s good and flammable, what would be the next logical thing to do?

Whatever your answer was, I’m guessing “use the flare gun” wasn’t it. Using the flare gun would have been a great idea BEFORE you doused yourself and your boat. Why the hell didn’t you go with that in the first place? That might have actually worked. Instead you wait until a spark will light you up like Richard Pryor. So, how did that work out for you?

What the hell? Gas and a flare gun didn’t mix well? Imagine that. You at least killed Jaws though, right? Well, this was less than halfway through the movie, and there were two more sequels, so it looks like that answer is a resounding negative. Basically all you did was barbecue yourself for the shark. Moron flambé. Congratulations Diane, you are today’s winner by virtue of your (A) trying to kill a fish in the water with fire in the first place and (B) going down in a blaze of idiocy in the process. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 18: Glenn in A Nightmare on Elm Street

Ah, Nightmare on Elm Street. Not only did it create one of the most recognizable and marketable horror characters ever in Freddy Krueger, but it introduced us to a future Hollywood A-lister, and Tim Burton’s muse, Johnny Depp. Long before he was Captain Jack, he was Glenn, Nancy’s boyfriend. These kids have been through a lot. Their friends are dying at the hands of an evil maniac who stalks their dreams, and now he’s coming for them. Nancy has a plan though. She’s going to go sleep, grab Freddy, and drag him into the real world. All she needs Glenn to to is stay awake and clobber him when she drags him into the real world. Simple enough right? Apparently not.

The two have split up, going to their respective houses. Nancy leaves him with the legendary instructions “Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.” They’re planning to kill the man who has slaughtered their friends and is trying to off them too, so this is, oh I dunno, kind of a big deal. They have both been up for days, so it’s going to take some work to stay up. Pop quiz hotshot, what do you do? Drink some coffee? Stay moving? Not put yourself in a situation where it’s easy to doze off? The answer is D, none of the above. Our hero decides to lay down in bed, get nice and comfy, put on the headphones, listen to some tunes, and watch a little TV. Great idea. No one falls asleep that way. The music might have been a good idea depending on what it was, but by the looks of this guy (that half shirt kills me every time), there’s no Slayer blaring through those headphones. Surprise, surprise, he nods off. His mother then wakes him up. Obviously this course of action isn’t working. You’d think that he would get up and do something else to stay awake, right? Wrong. He just lays there.

Inevitably, he falls back asleep, screwing up the whole plan and forcing Nancy to face Freddy by herself. You just lost some serious brownie points there buddy. Any second base plans you had are history. So, how did your ridiculous strategy for staying awake work out for you?

Damn. I do believe pissing off your girlfriend is the least of your worries. Congratulations Glenn, you are today’s winner by virtue of your inability to figure out even the easiest ways of fighting off sleep. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 19: Julius in Friday the 13th 8

Let’s get ready to rumble! In Friday the 13^th 8, Jason takes Manhattan. Well, he actually doesn’t take any city until the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Until then, it’s Jason running amok on a boat. He’s on a boat. Everybody look at Jason, ‘cause he’s sailing on a boat. But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets, Jason’s on a boat motherf…ok, I’ll stop. I couldn’t help myself. Anyway, Jason is knocking off high schoolers on their senior trip. Amongst them is Julius, a boxer. Julius manages to make it to New York. By the way, tonight the role of New York will be played by Vancouver. Jason stalks Julius and his friends through the streets. Julius tries to escape to a rooftop via a ladder, but Jason follows him and the two square off. What would you do at this point? Personally, I think I’d probably take a flying leap off of the building, considering I have a better chance of surviving that than whatever Jason is about to do to me. Julius, however, must have taken a few too many blows to the head, because he decides to box Jason.

I had to put that picture there just so you know that I’m not kidding. We’ve seen various characters try to take Jason on before, but not in bare knuckle fisticuffs. What the hell could have possibly made you think that was a good idea? Lets forget for the moment that he’s a lot bigger and stronger than you. Let’s even forget that he’s Jason F’n Voorhees, the unstoppable undead killing machine. Why would you ever punch anyone in the face while they’re wearing a goalie mask? Sounds like a good way to break your hand to me. Oh look, that’s exactly what happened. Jason pulls a little rope-a-dope and lets Julius punch himself out. Spent and with destroyed dukes, Julius tells Jason to take his best shot. So, how did that work out for ‘ya tough guy?

Ouch! That’s gotta sting like a bee. I’m no expert on the pugilistic arts, but I’m going to call this one a TKO. I think Glass Joe could have done a better job. Congratulations Julius, you are today’s winner by virtue of your bright idea to box Jason Voorhees. What else could you say about that, except, of course, Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards # 20: Paxton, Josh, and Oli in Hostel

Paxton, Josh, and Óli are backpacking through Europe. It’s the dream of many American college students. They’ve been to France, Switzerland, and Belgium. Now they’re in Amsterdam, and they’re planning to meet up with friends in Spain. Sounds like a hell of a plan to me. But wait, they meet Alex, a Russian, who tells them that hot, horny European babes are all over Slovakia, and they love Americans. Keep in mind that these guys have no idea where Slovakia is, have never even heard of it, and just met Alex five minutes ago. He tells them that this Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures (massive horror geek points if you get THAT reference) isn’t on any map, and there are no guys, only beautiful willing women there for the taking. Remember what your mother told you about things that seem too good to be true?

Lets examine the situation. They already have plans. They’re far from home. They don’t know anyone from Slovakia at all, but this stoned Russian guy they’ve known for minutes tells them vague stories about a secret poontang wonderland. There are two possibilities of fairly intelligent things to do. First, go on to Barcelona. When you’re in a strange place where you barely speak the language and don’t really know where you are, going to a whole other country on a whim might not be a good idea. Second, they could have done a little checking up on this place. Maybe ask around a little or get online and google Slovakia. This probably would have saved them some problems. I can’t imagine the Trip Advisor or Yelp reviews of that particular Hostel would have been very positive. But, like so many other stupid horror characters, these guys aren’t thinking with the right head. So, what do they do?

Quicker than you can say “stupid American” they’re on a train for Slovakia. They completely changed their travel plans through Europe based on what a momentary acquaintance told them. Nice move fellas. You’d think that if they had been backpacking through Europe for a while, they would have realized, or at least been warned, that the business of taking advantage of American tourists is booming in, well, everywhere but America. Actually, never mind. It’s booming here too. So, how did that work out for you?

Woah! How did the promise of getting laid by exotic beauties turn into being butchered in a torture chamber frequented by the likes of Takashi Miike and Ruggero Deodato? It turns out that the snatch palace hostel was a front for a group that kidnaps hapless tourists to sell to the highest bidder for torture and murder. Now, instead of having stories to make your friends back home jealous, two of you died agonizing deaths and the third is scarred for life. Oops. Not exactly what you were expecting, huh? Congratulations boys, you are today’s winners by virtue of your jumping at the chance to, based on bad advice from someone you didn’t even know, do something many of us have done at one time or another; blindly run headlong into hell chasing a piece of ass. Way to go dumbasses!