Again with the damn text abbreviations. Next challenge I participate in, I demand real words only! Anyway, Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror has gained cult classic status because it is 85 minutes of nonstop WTF moments. It’s a lot of fun, it’s pretty gory, and the action doesn’t let up once it gets started, but it has quite the abundance of head scratching moments. Why do the zombies look like they are wearing masks of Fulci zombies made out of paper mache and play-dough? Why is there a bear trap in the middle of the courtyard? Did that zombie just throw a huge nail like a throwing knife and make a shot Bruce Lee couldn’t pull off? Did you just actually put on old dusty lingerie that you found in a random drawer? Did someone really just say “Let the zombies in, maybe they’re not after us?” Is your big finish a freeze frame with nonsensical, misspelled text?
Apparently so. This will be a nigth to remember, so sayeth the Profecy. I love it. This movie is absolutely ludicrous, but it has such a surreal energy that it’s relentlessly entertaining. I would expect nothing less from Andrea Bianchi, the director who also gave us Strip Nude For Your Killer and Malabimba: The Malicious Whore. If you’re a fan of the bizarre side of Italian grindhouse horror cinema, you definitely need to check it out. I could go on forever about this flick, but I think I’m going to do a full review of this one down the road, so I’ll cut to the chase. There is one situation in this movie that trumps all of the others, and maybe any scene in horror history, in terms of sheer WTF-ness.
One member of the horny, clueless band of zombie fodder is Evelyn, who brought along her son Michael. That’s him right there. Michael was played by a 26 year old dwarf named Peter Bark and dubbed over by an adult man trying to sound like a little boy. This dude is straight up creepy. He’s, like, beyond Zelda in Pet Sematary creepy. He’s beyond Reverend Kane in Poltergeist 2 creepy. He’s beyond Zelda Rubenstein in, well, anything creepy. He just might be the creepiest character I’ve ever laid eyes on. Anyway, his clinging to mom has an air of inappropriate sexuality to it. He also ends up walking in on her getting it on with her boyfriend. Instead of staying under the covers, she gets out of bed, covers her lower afro (it was the 70’s after all), and stands there admonishing him topless. Hmmm.
Later, once the zombies start attacking, she sits on the couch, consoling her distraught son. Here is where it gets weird. Michael starts kissing on his mom, feeling her up, and talking about how much he loves her breasts. Seriously. Look at the picture to the left. He’s totally second basin’ it with mom! He gets a hand up her skirt and tries to “give her the finger” if you catch my drift, and mom slaps him and tells him no. Yes, THAT’s where he crossed the line. Mommy dearest, I do believe that we need to have a little talk about boundaries. Michael then gets upset, runs off, and is promptly killed by the zombies.
Fast forward about twenty minutes. Evelyn is among the final three survivors. They’re holed up in a monastery with a bunch of zombie monks, and that’s not even the weird part. Not even close. They’ve fought off the few zombies who’ve gotten in, very badly I might add, when who should come walking through the door but our zombified preteen perv buddy, Michael. He’s very obviously zombified, so Evelyn definitely knows that he’s one of those things that have been trying to kill her for the past day, but she does what any good mother would do. She runs to him, embraces him, lets him pull her shirt open, and pushed his face into her heaving bosom, saying “Oh yes darling, just like when you were a baby. Go ahead, I know you want to.” This scene definitely gets a place in the “Ewwwww” hall of fame. From the looks on the other characters faces while this is going on, I’d say they’re thinking the same thing we are.
What do you think happens next? You shouldn’t have to think too had about it. Evelyn, mother of the year, is rewarded for her incestuous weirdness with this…
Congratulations, you just got half of your tit bitten off by your own son. There is only one thing you can say about this whole reanimated Oedipal cannibalistic misadventure…WTF?
Truer words have never been spoken than that "You have to watch it to believe it" tagline. This one is for all of the mothers out there. There are a lot of things that you just shouldn’t have to tell someone. Some things should just be common sense. Some things shouldn’t even be a damn question. One of those basic imperatives is “Do not let your 12 year old zombie son suckle on your breast.” Read that sentence again. Give it a moment to sink in. I know that’s a lot of “WTF” to take in at once. Now, would the thought to do that ever in a million years even cross your mind? Didn’t think so. I don’t even know where to start with everything that’s wrong about that. Today’s winner did just that though. Seriously. 
