Cool Collectible Alert: Hot Wheels 2013 Universal Monster Series

I want to thank my hearse driving homie Kevin for alerting me to the existence of what might be the coolest mainstream toy release of the year.  When you were a kid, you were all about Hot Wheels, weren't you?  Yeah, so was I.  Well, it's time to rekindle your love of die-cast cars because it just ran head on into your love of monsters.  Fearnet reported back in April that Hot Wheels was releasing a line of Universal Monster themed vehicles.  Now they've hit ebay and are starting to trickle into toy stores.  Most of the reported sightings are on the west coast at the moment, but word is that they will start appearing across the country in the next few weeks.  These are sure to get snapped up quick because, um... just look at them!  These are sweet.  Plus, the artwork on the packaging is cool as hell.  My favorite is definitely the Bride of Frankenstein 1959 Caddy Funny Car because, whether they wanna call it one or not, that's a freakin' hearse.  My favorite car and my favorite Universal horror flick together?  Count me in.  That Wolfman Van kicks ass too.  Yeah, it says it's a bus, but doesn't the phrase "Wolfman Van" have a great ring to it?  Whichever one is your favorite, you might want to start patrolling those toy aisles.  I mean, yeah you can get them easily on ebay.  Isn't the chase half of the fun though?  If you spot any of these, please either comment here or on the facebook page and let your fellow Cellmates know where they can be found.  Happy hunting!

The 5 Greatest Horror Movie Mash-ups You'll Never See.

Remember how excited you were when you found out that Freddy vs. Jason was finally going to become a reality? I was too. Hell, everyone was. In the wake of that flick, rumors were flying about what team ups and battles we would see next. Pinhead was rumored to figure into Freddy vs Jason. Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky, Candyman, and all of the other great slashers were supposedly about to duke it out. Ash was even going to be thrown into the mix. A lot of these pairings did happen in comic books, where character crossovers are common. On the silver screen, however, the idea just fizzled and never came to fruition, which sucks. Bad. I was looking forward to it. I think there could have been a modern equivalent of those great old Universal “House of…” movies where they just threw all of the monsters into one flick.What  a huge missed opportunity!  That could have been a really fun era of horror history. Alas, as is usually the case, arguments over who owned the rights to what and who would make what share of the profits superseded what the fans wanted to see. While Hollywood may have missed the boat on the whole monster mash up idea, I have a few ideas of my own. What do you think? Would you pay to see these?

Evil Dead / Phantasm

Ash and Reggie Bannister are two men who have looked into the eyes of undead, demonic, otherworldly terrors and survived. Two average Joe’s forced to become warriors. Two… well, two heroes who take almost as much ass kicking as they dish out. They make quite the mighty chainsaw swinging, evil blasting, catchphrase spewing team. They’re going to have to, because a new enemy threatens our realm. The Tall Man has gained control of the Necronomicon and unlocked its secrets. He now wields the full power of the deadite legions. Not only is he turning the entire population of small towns into deformed evil Jawa things, but now they’re possessed, powerful, deformed evil Jawa things. Honestly, for this one, the plot doesn’t really matter at all. Ash and Reggie versus the Tall Man is about all you have to say. Plus, the look on Bruce Campbell’s face when Reggie introduces Ash to the four-barreled boomstick would be worth the price of admission by itself.

Hellraiser / Pumpkinhead

Ashley’s husband was the final victim of Skinner, a vicious serial killer, before he was apprehended. During the trial, with the press hounding her for interviews and Skinner hinting at “unfinished business,” Ashley decides to retreat to her mother’s house in rural Louisiana. When Skinner is acquitted on a technicality, Ashley is both outraged at the miscarriage of justice and afraid for her life. Her mother informs her that while the court couldn’t give her justice, she knows someone who can. She takes Ashley to an old woman who lives back in the bayou, who helps Ashley call forth Pumpkinhead to avenge her husband. Meanwhile, Skinner has discovered her whereabouts and is en route to Louisiana to finish what he started. He brings his “toys,” mainly the sharp ones, as well as a puzzle box he stole from an occultist he killed. He opens the box and, as the Cenobites are about to tear his soul apart, Pumpkinhead bursts into the room intent on tearing his target apart. Of course, neither is willing to cede their kill to the other. A battle between the demonic forces ensues and Skinner escapes. With Skinner racing towards Ashley with murder on his mind, and Pumpkinhead and the Cenobites hot on his trail, who will reach their victim first? There will be suffering, but whose?

Motel Hell / Texas Chainsaw Massacre

With the authorities sniffing a little too close, Farmer Vincent and Ida decide to relocate. Settling in Texas, they set up shop, once again making their famous meat products. One day Drayton Sawyer stops in and decides to try out Farmer Vincent’s Fritters. He recognizes that secret ingredient. He’d know that taste anywhere; it’s the same kind of meat he’s been using for his award winning chili. The two cannibal families forge an uneasy business partnership, with Drayton selling Vincent’s famous jerky from his chuck wagon and Vincent selling delicious Sawyer barbecue at his store. All is well until a van load of vacationers breaks down while passing through the area. Both families go after them, and it looks like there’s just not enough meat to share. There’s only room for one cooking dynasty in these parts. The truce is off and the fight is on. It all comes down to Vincent, complete with his pig head mask, and Leatherface in a chainsaw duel. Only one can claim this territory for their particular brand of culinary mayhem.

Reanimator / Bride of Frankenstein

Dr. Pretorius has tried and tried to cajole, threaten, and seduce Henry Frankenstein into returning to his experiments with giving new life to the dead. Unfortunately, it seems that after that unpleasant business with his monster, Henry refuses to take up the scalpel again. Pretorius decides to turn his attention to another promising student from his days at the University, a young upstart named Herbert West. He is delighted to find that Herbert shares his dark curiosities without all those pesky ethics that Frankenstein has suddenly developed. When his new accomplice shows Pretorius his latest project, a mysterious compound he calls his “re-agent,” it looks like the old lightning method is suddenly obsolete. Together, they set off to explore the limits of life and death. Can the two egotistical medical necromancers co-exist? More importantly, what monstrosities will this mad scientist dream team unleash upon the earth?

Human Centipede / Basket Case

Duane and Belial were conjoined twins. They were separated against their will when they were 12 or, as their parents put it, “that deformity was removed from Duane.” Belial was thought to have died, but Duane saved him and now carries his small, monstrously deformed, homicidal brother around in a whicker basket. Together they’ve set off on a mission to kill everyone involved in the separation. They’ve traveled wherever they had to, taking out parents, orderlies, and nurses. They tracked two of the three doctors involved to New York City. At the “urging” of Belial, the two assistant surgeons reveal that the final, head surgeon in charge retired and now resides in Europe. The boys head off to Germany to get revenge on the doctor who presided over their separation; a doctor who was famous for separating conjoined twins. In fact, Duane and Belial’s case brought him fame and fortune. He is none other than Dr. Heiter. The good doctor, having conquered the art of separation, is now interested in joining together. When Duane and Belial confront him, he sees a perfect chance to test his new procedure. He convinces them that if they spare his life, he will right the wrong by reversing the process and rejoining them. They agree and Heiter operates. When the boys wake up, however, they realize that this wasn’t exactly the reunion that they had in mind.

30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 5: Character who you know is secretly gay.

This character is not quite so “secretly” gay any more, but at the time it sure as hell a secret. In Bride of Frankenstein, director James Whale managed to flaunt a flaming queen in the face of the Production Code without them even realizing it. The character of Doctor Septimus Pretorius is almost always viewed as a gay character today. This is one instance where it is way too obvious for it to be a case of revisionist viewing of the film in terms of today’s social climate. In 1935, Pretorius’ homosexuality was one of Hollywood’s worst kept secrets.

First, a little history lesson for the kids. Gather round, Uncle Nathan’s gonna tell you a story. Once upon a time, the movie industry was new and, like with any new entertainment technology, people tried to censor how it was used. Various state and local boards had started cutting or banning films they found offensive. This was the 20’s and 30’s, so “polite society” was offended by damn near anything and scared by the more libertine sensibilities that were somewhat prevalent at the time. Fearing that the federal government would give in to the moral pressure from the vocal minority to “protect the moral fiber of America” the way they had with alcohol, the studio heads decided to censor themselves before the government got a chance to. They allowed a journalist and a catholic priest to write a moral code they would make their movies adhere to. Basically, anything that could be even remotely considered immoral could never be portrayed in a positive way in a movie. Some things couldn’t be addressed at all no matter what. Homosexuality was one of those things.

James Whale, a director way ahead of his time, was also one of the first openly gay Hollywood filmmakers. He often pushed the envelope to see just how much gay subtext he could sneak into a movie. Bride of Frankenstein was no different. Whether or not the film is as chock full of homosexual symbolism as some would have you believe is debatable, but one thing is clear; Whale and his off screen friend Ernest Thesiger teamed up to present what is basically the first flaming queen in American cinema history.

He is a former professor of Henry’s, who lures him into the lab once more to make a mate for his monster. Reportedly, Whale’s instructions were to play the role “"like an over the top caricature of a bitchy and aging homosexual." According to biographers, that wasn’t too far off from Thesiger in real life. He all but prances through the movie; with his flamboyant, limp wrested gestures, prissy speech, and exaggerated lisp. In dialogue, he emphasizes that the “conventional” methods of creating life aren’t open to him. Henry’s housekeeper describes him as “a queer looking gentleman.” When he eyes Henry and makes some of the least subtle innuendos and double entendres ever put on film, you’d almost swear that you can hear Whale laughing in the background. He even sabotages the only heterosexual relationship in the whole movie, making his appearance and dragging Baron Frankenstein back to his place on, of all nights, Henry and Elizabeth’s wedding night.

Dr. Pretorius is more than just a gay stereotype. He is one of the most well crafted and well performed characters of the 30’s. I’ve used his “It’s my only weakness” shtick myself many times. The PCA (Production Code Administration) must have thought so too. They didn’t object to him at all, instead attacking the religious undertones and macabre subject matter. Did film audiences and critics get it? That’s hard to say, as it’s difficult to look at a film’s reception in terms of the era it is released in instead of your own. There are a couple of interesting indicators though. At the time the word “queer” was almost a gay code. While it was a common word meaning “odd”, its homosexual meaning was around but wasn’t in common usage yet. Mainly it was used as code by those “in the know.” If you look at reviews of the film from that period, quite a few of them use that particular word to describe the film, often referring to Pretorius. It is used so disproportionately much, that it almost can’t be anything but a little “wink-wink, nudge-nudge.”

I would guess that audiences got it, because all of a sudden the PCA started paying more attention, and went to ridiculous extremes, to watch for homosexual references and innuendos. Shortly following Bride of Frankenstein’s release, “sexual perversion,” as homosexuality was classified, became a much more prominent complaint of the PCA. Kinda seems like someone was trying to compensate for letting Doctor Pretorius past them, huh? Whether or not audiences did get it at the time, knowing that the director and actor were both gay and loved sneaking things into their movies, it’s doubtful that when Pretorius turns up his nose, glares at Henry’s new wife, and sneers “My business with you Baron is…private” he was just talking about putting parts together. Wait…I mean putting body parts together. No, I mean dead parts. For the monster. Nevermind. You know exactly what I was getting at. Perverts.