There are really only two reasons that a vampire will bite you. One is just to feed. Since that is usually accompanied by a slight case of death, I’ll pass on letting any vampire bite me for that reason. The only other reason vampires bite you usually has something to do with becoming the vampires undead lover. That I could be cool with. Who to pick though? There are so many sexy vampires in cinema history. It kinda goes with the territory. Vampires have always been the sexiest movie monster. Ever since Lugosi as Dracula made 30’s women swoon there has been a strong, darkly seductive aspect of the blood drinking undead that movies like to focus on.
So, which of the lovely vampire ladies would I let bite me. Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt) in Countess Dracula? Hmmm, a strong contender, but not my choice. Princess Karody (Soledad Miranda) in Vampyros Lesbos? That whole lesbian vampire thing sorta disqualifies me unfortunately. Miriam Blaylock (Catherine Deneuve) in The Hunger? Nah, I’ve seen what she does with her men. Satanica Pandemonium (Salma Hayak) in From Dusk ‘til Dawn? Hot as hell, but I can’t handle the whole snake thing. On a side note, Salma Hayak was SO much hotter when she had some meat on her. Maybe Fran (Marianne Morris) and Miriam (Anulka) from Vampyres. That might have been my pick, but someone beat me to it.
To the shock of absolutely no one who knows me, this decision comes down to two redheads. Did I mention I have a thing for them? Anyway, what’s better than a hot redhead vampire? A hot redhead vampire in black leather! Even though you’re just my type Bloodrayne (Kristanna Loken), you’re first runner up. Besides, you’re in a Uwe Boll movie, so I’ve never even seen your whole flick. Due to beauty, pedigree, and fringe benefits, I’m going with Lilith (Angie Everhart) from Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood.
First of all the obvious, she’s drop dead gorgeous. With that bouncing fiery mane, the classic good looks, and the smokin’ body, she’s just plain beautiful. Second, if I’m gonna get bitten and turned into a suck monkey, I want it to be by a powerful one that’s been around for a while and will give me a strong bloodline. Lilith is the mother of all vampires. I do believe that qualifies. Third, there are definite fringe benefits. Even if she just turns me and doesn’t take me as her personal vampire boy toy, I could get the same deal Cory Feldman did. He got bit, and until that asshat Dennis Miller got involved, he spent his life in that cool funeral home brothel frolicking with vampire whores. I can definitely think of worse fates than that. Hell, she may even be able to introduce me to the Crypt Keeper. I’ve always wanted to hang out with him. Oh yeah, and she’s hot . I think I forgot to mention that.
