30 Day Horror Challenge Strikes Back Day 15: Killer you could easily kill yourself .

Well, originally I was going to go with something small, like Chucky, the puppets from Puppet Master, or the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror. How can you be scared of something you could punt across the room? Then EVERYONE went that direction. So I thought to myself; “Self, what’s less menacing than little things? How about a killer that little things beat up?” That’s when it hit me. I could absolutely annihilate Ghostface from Scream.

I think the only horror character that spends a bigger percentage of their on screen time getting their ass kicked is Ash. Sure, Ghostface ends up killing whoever he’s after, but if they didn’t all fall for the horror cliché of not finishing the killer when they have the chance, he would have been dead a long time ago. He’s been knocked out with flower pots and freezer doors, kicked down stairs and knocked unconscious, punched and kicked and stomped to the ground, had his head slammed in doors, etc. And that was all by tiny women! Hell, if Jenny McCarthy had been using real weapons she could have dismembered him!

Honestly, besides the fact that petite ladies routinely put a whoopin on him, I’m surprised he hasn’t impaled himself on his own knife yet. How many times have we seen him slam into walls, fall over furniture, walk straight into a blow to the head, run into something, or “almost” get a hold of someone? Ghostface has got to be the clumsiest killer of all time. I’m only really taking the first 3 Scream movies into account here, so there were 4 Ghostfaces. Every last one has been a character that seemed normal, but as soon as the robe and mask went on they forgot how to properly operate their bodies. If the characters had been physically consistent throughout the film the killer would have been easy to spot. He’s the one tripping over his own feet. Ghostface certainly pulls off some amazing feats of stealth when we can’t see him. Interesting, considering when we can see him, more often than not he’s lurching and flailing like a drunken jackass.

Knife or not, I would mess Ghostface up but good. He depends on the element of surprise. First of all, when people start dying and there’s a killer after my friends and I, I’m going to stay pretty damn vigilant. Second, after all of my haunted house experience, I know the tricks of the trade as far as sneaking around go. I’d see that amateur coming a mile away. Third, when I got him down, I wouldn’t pull that “leave him knocked out” crap. Oh no. It’s “Finish Him!” time, fatality and all. I’m not a violent person, but in a kill or be killed situation it’s balls to the wall, no mercy, “two men enter one man leaves” time.

Lets wrap this little rant up with a tool that has been used for years by boxing, MMA, and professional wrestling to size up the combatants; the tale of the tape. I took the height and weight of the four actors who have been Ghostface (Matthew Lillard, Skeet Ulrich, Tim Olyphant, and Scott Foley.) When I averaged them together, I got Ghostface at 6’ ½” tall and 175 lbs. The four girls that gave him the most trouble (Neve Campbell, Jenny McCarthy, Rose McGowan, and Sarah Michelle Gellar) are an average of 5’4” and 115 lbs. Yes folks, I actually looked up the specs on all of these actors and actresses and did the math. These girls beat the hell out of Ghostface and all would have survived had they had the gumption to take him out when they had him down. I’m a full foot taller and almost triple their weight.

I’m 6’4” and 335 lbs. I’m considerably bigger than Ghostface, who basically got his ass handed to him by girls considerably smaller than him. In the UFC, they wouldn’t even put us in the same class because it wouldn’t be a fair fight. Tell you what, he’s got a big knife, so we’ll call it even. I’ve been in enough bar fights back during my wilder days and “assisted” some of my bouncer friends enough to know how to handle myself against a guy with a weapon who can’t seem to come after you without falling down. Sorry Ghostface, you puny, bumbling, cheap costumed joke, but I’d wipe the floor with you. And just because I’m a big fan of irony, I’d show you up at horror trivia while I did. Bring it!