The Halloween 15, Perkins 14, Son of Celluloid...um...13?

Ryne over at the great blog The Moon is a Dead World put out the call for 15 horror bloggers to join him in reviewing a slew of flicks leading up to Halloween. Hence the name Halloween 15. Yours truly answered the call. You see that nifty little picture of the Skull-o-lantern that's been hanging out over there to the left under the words "Coming in October?" This is what that was all about. See, it all makes sense now, doesn't it?
Go HERE to read our reviews of the After Dark Horrorfest flick Perkins 14. It features PCP addled, brainwashed kids, multiple flashlight beatings, and former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves. Go check it out. While you're there, you can also check out the rest of the Halloween 15 and all of the other coolness the site has to offer.

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #8: The Rapists in I Spit On Your Grave

There are few movies more reviled by opponents of extreme exploitation cinema than I Spit On Your Grave. I think Cannibal Holocaust may be the only one actually. Maybe Serbian Film. Anyway, whether you consider it to be empowering or degrading, there is one thing that cannot be denied, the rapists get what’s coming to them because of their absolute arrogant stupidity.

Jennifer is a writer who rents a house in the middle of nowhere to work on her new book. Her writing time is, shall we say, interrupted when she is gang raped by four local yokels (Johnny, Stanley, Andy, and Matthew) in a grueling 35 minute scene. I’m not sure, but I think, barring fetish porn, that might be the longest rape scene in history. Anyway, take a look at this poor lady’s face…

I think it’s pretty clear that she is not having a good time. Remember that, it will be important later. The guy they send back to kill her can’t bring himself to do it, but tells the others that he did. They all go about their normal routines, until she shows back up. Then, one by one, she seduces and kills them. She…woah, hold on a second. She does what? Seduces them? What are these halfwits thinking? The second that she started coming on to them, did that not set off every one of the warning bells in their empty heads?

The best case scenario for them is that she really did enjoy herself and now she wants more. In that case it means that she’s nuts and probably a chick you want to steer clear of. Who would think that though? These guys are deplorable, but apparently they’re dumber than dirt to boot. To think “Damn, I’m so good that she wants me to do it again” is ludicrous. If I were a rapist and the girl came back wanting more, my first thought would be “She’s trying to lure me into a compromising position so she can get revenge.” At the very least, I would have that “something isn’t right” feeling. Not these guys.

Now Matthew is mentally deficient, so I can’t really hold being a moron against him. The other three though? Are you kidding me? What arrogant dipshits! Especially Johnny. He gets in the car with her, and she pulls a gun on him and orders him to strip. So he tells her that the rape was her fault. She appears to have a change of heart and invites him back to the house. How do you fall for that? While I do enjoy seeing these lowlifes get what they deserve, the way they got it blows my mind. So boys, how did that whole “hell yeah, she liked it” thing work out for you?

Castrated in the bathtub huh? How fitting. You kinda brought that one on yourself, now didn’t ‘ya Johnny. His buddies got hanged, axed, and shredded with an outboard motor. I know the “feminine wiles” have strange powers over men, but you, sir, must be braindead. Congratulations fellas, you are today’s winners for falling for one of the most implausible ruses in history, and apparently having an incredible unfounded faith in the persuasive power of your wiener. He he he, wiener. Way to go dumbasses!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #9: Josh in The Blair Witch Project

I’m always amazed at the number of people who hate the Blair Witch Project. I have a sneaking suspicion that they were the ones who were gullible enough to believe that it was real and they’re still sore about being taken for a fool. Personally, I dug it. Whatever you think about the flick, love it or hate it, you can’t deny that in 1999 when it came out that flick was an absolute phenomenon. It is a film that has been copied absolutely endlessly. It also gave us one of the all time great stupid horror moments.

Heather, Mike, and Josh have been lost in the woods for days The three filmmakers set off to make a documentary about a witch that supposedly lives in these woods. They’re cold, hungry, exhausted, wet, scared, and more than a little bit on edge. To make matters worse, there’s something stalking them and toying with them at night. Then Josh reveals that he’s done quite possibly the dumbest thing you could do in this situation, and all hell breaks loose. You know, the actual scene is way better than anything I could possibly write about it. It’s my second favorite scene in the film, behind the hilarious “America the Beautiful” moment. Here, check it out.

Normally, I would embed the video here. For some reason, embedding has been disabled for this one. Click on these words to check it out. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Yes folks, he “kicked that f**king map in the river.” Betcha they don’t teach that in Boy Scouts. Never saw that on Survivorman. I don’t care if it was doing any good or not, I would much rather be lost in a vast forest with a map than without one. What I think I would be most afraid of, above even being lost, is Heather or Mike doing to him what I would do to him in that situation. Remember the tree branch beating in the Halloween remake? Yeah, something along those lines. So Josh, how did that work out for you?

No one’s really 100% sure what’s going on there, but I think it’s safe to assume that it’s nothing good. I bet you wish you had that f**king map now, don’t ya’? Congratulations Josh, you are today’s winner by virtue of your tenuous grasp on the most basic of wilderness survival skills. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #10: Brady in Halloween 4

Imagine you’re about to get it on with a cop’s daughter. Suddenly, the cop shows up at home, comes through the door, and goes for a shotgun. Now imagine your surprise when he hands the gun to you and tells you that someone might attack the house and you have to help defend those inside. What a stroke of luck! This is the position in which Brady finds himself in Halloween 4. The sheriff then hands him some shells. Brady sticks the shells in his pocket instead of, oh I don’t know, loading the gun. Brilliant move buddy.

Look, I know that I already did a “didn’t load the shotgun when they had the chance” induction with Jenny from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, but this one charts higher for two main reasons. Reason number one is that she had an understandable reason for not doing it. She was in a room with four psychos who wanted to do all sorts of nasty things to her, so lowering the firearm, while the best strategy, might not seem like such a good idea at the time. Brady is in a room with armed police officers and the threat hasn’t arrived yet. There is absolutely no reason for not checking to see if the gun is loaded or not. In fact, basic gun safety says to check the ammo when handed a firearm. Basic survival instinct should say the same thing.

Eventually Michael Myers arrives at the house. While the girls run up the stairs (wait, didn’t we just cover that one?), Brady hoists the shotgun, takes aim, and…click. It was unloaded after all you idiot. That whole “pocket full of shells” thing is only effective in lame ass mid 90’s mainstream rap-rock. He apparently also has the worst case of the shakes in recorded history, because he fumbles to load that gun the whole time Michael is snail’s pacing it up the stairs towards him. You should have done that when you got the damn thing, especially if it was going to take you that long. When he finally does get it loaded, Michael is in his face and he manages to miss with a 12 guage from three feet away. Then he hit Michael with the butt end. This proved not effective at all, and Michael took the gun and cracked poor dumb Brady in the noggin with it. So, how did that work out for you?

That brings me to reason number two; Jenny lived, Brady died. To be fair, Michael Myers probably would have slaughtered poor Brady either way, especially considering that he was a womanizing scumbag, but he would have had a much better fighting chance with a loaded weapon. Congratulations Brady, you are today’s winner by virtue of your failing to grasp the concept that a gun is useless without bullets, and getting yourself snuffed by the boogie man in the process. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #11: Everyone in Zombies of Mora Tau

This one isn’t going to take long, because the idiocy of this one is very simple. It’s not something stupid that these people did, it’s what they didn’t do that earned them the award. In the underrated flick The Zombies of Mora Tau, some undead sailors are guarding a stash of cursed diamonds in a shipwreck. Greed reigns supreme, of course, so not stealing the diamonds is not an option. If only there was some way to destroy these zombies. They only have one weakness, they are afraid of fire. The old woman who lives on the island makes the point repeatedly that fire is the only thing that they are afraid of. They are so arsonphobic that a candle will send them shuffling away in terror. There’s only one reason why any creature would be afraid of fire, and that would be because they are FLAMMABLE! Pretty obvious, huh? Apparently not. They shoot flareguns around the zombies, wave torches at them, and set a fire at the door of their lair to keep them inside; but never once does anyone even attempt to set a zombie on fire. With no zombies the diamonds would be unguarded, but instead you’d rather brave the walking dead to steal them instead of thinking this through and at least lighting one to see what happens. So, how did that work out for you?

Zombies are attacking you, members of your party are dead, and in the end you still don’t have any diamonds to show for it. Diane from Jaws 2 got inducted for trying to “kill it with fire” when she shouldn’t, now these mental midgets aren’t even trying it when it’s the most logical thing to do. There’s got to be a happy medium. Congratulations everyone, you are today’s winners by virtue of not a single one of you thinking to exploit the zombie’s only weakness. Way to go dumbasses!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #12: Bill Murray in Zombieland

One of the tried and true rules of comedy is that practical jokes equal funny. When a practical joke blows up in someone’s face, hilarity ensues. In this case, the joke blows up in their face literally. Bill Murray’s cameo in Zombieland was one of the most unexpected and side splitting in recent history. It was also one of the dumbest moves a character has made in recent history, but it grew out of a good idea. Bill had dressed up as a zombie, and was using his considerable acting skills to fool the zombies into thinking that he was one of them. Hell, it worked in Sean of the Dead until Ed answered his cell phone (a moment that fell just short of the list due to the fact that the stupidity was intentional for comedic effect.) When Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock, and Tallahassee stumble upon his mansion, they encounter Bill in fake zombie form. First it gets him hit with a golf club by Wichita. He then decides to try the trick on Columbus, the jumpiest member of the group. I do believe after a few days of fighting your way through the zombie infested wasteland anyone would be jumpy. Pretending to be a zombie while sneaking up on a frazzled, on edge kid who has been killing zombies for a while and scaring the living crap out of him seems like a good idea, right? Of course! That’s pure comedy gold! What if the kid has a shotgun though? All of a sudden that’s a really bad idea there Bill. Tallahassee, why are you egging him on? Apparently no one considered the consequences of this particular prank. So Bill, how did that work out for you?

Looks like you got punked instead. While that particular ill-advised prank didn’t turn out very well, it did allow for one of the best lines in a movie chock full of great lines…

Little Rock: “So, do you have any regrets?”

Bill Murray: “Garfield maybe.”

Congratulations Bill, you are today’s winner by virtue of your performance being just a little too convincing this time. Way to go dumbass!

The Horror Movie Darwin Awards #13: Jenny and Lindsay in Human Centipede

One of the major things people call stupid horror characters on is their complete lack of instincts. Their creepiness detectors all seem to be broken until it’s way too late. Often characters will stay in a situation that would cause normal people to say “this is too weird for me” or “this is going to end badly” or “screw this, I’m out.” One of the worst recent examples of this was when Lindsay and Jenny encounter Dr. Heiter in Human Centipede: First Sequence.

Meet Lindsay and Jenny, Americans road tripping through Europe. After their car breaks down and they are forced to walk in the rain, the girls come upon the house of Dr. Heiter. Let’s play “How long would it take for your ‘this guy is probably going to kill me’ alarm to go off.”

When he opens the door, his first response is to look around suspiciously and ask “Are you alone?” When you say that you are, his face lights up and he invites you inside. Are you suspicious yet? No? Really? I’d be saying “No thanks” over my shoulder as I hightailed it out of there, and I’m a big dude. These are two tiny little chicks. Ok, whatever you say, lets continue. So you’re inside now (doh!), and he asks you to sit. By the way, the whole time he’s giving you this look…

Still nothing? Really? Ok, we’ll go on. He asks if you are tourists, then asks if you are relatives. He looks extremely disappointed that you’re not related. While these girls couldn’t have known why he was asking, that’s still a little bizarre. Creeped out yet? No? Did I mention that he’s still looking at you like this?

Still nothing? Ok, here’s the final test. He asks if you’d like something to drink. I thought every young woman, especially two from New York City, would know not to accept a drink from a strange guy in his own home, ESPECIALLY one he left the room to prepare. “Water is fine” is your response? Are you shitting me? You’re accepting a drink this weirdo brought from the other room? From the looks the girls are giving each other, you can tell that they think he’s weird, but instead of taking this opportunity to slip out while he’s in the kitchen, they stick around and DRINK THE WATER HE GIVES THEM! Fail! By the time he tells them that he doesn’t like human beings, flips out when one of them spills their water, and they decide it’s time to split, it’s too late. They’ve already downed their Roofie Coladas and are well on their way to la-la land. So gals, how did that work out for you?

Holy shit! There have been some pretty bad pics that have followed that question throughout the countdown, and there will be more to come, but that one takes the cake. You are royally screwed. I would most definitely rather be dead than stitched together pie hole to poop schute. Congratulations ladies, you just followed your complete lack of intuition into the worst fate imaginable. Way to go dumbass (to mouth)!