In 2007, Leah got me a 50 film box set called Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares for Christmas. This set contained some of the worst movies I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, there are a couple of gems. You all know that I love me some low budget independant horror. Hell, I love bad movies, but some of this crap even I found unwatchable. In fact, 4 years later, I still haven’t seen them all. It was one of the best gifts ever, though, because it introduced me to Suburban Sasquatch. It was so spectacularly awful yet undeniably entertaining in that “train wreck” sort of way that it became a rite of passage. If you came to Nathan’s house, you were going to end up watching a couple of choice scenes from Suburban Sasquatch. In fact, it became a bit of a cult classic amongst those in the service and tourism industries of Savannah that way. I still don’t know anyone other than myself who has had the fortitude to watch it all the way through though. Some of the things in the following paragraphs may give you the idea that I don’t like this movie. Nothing could be further from the truth, I love this flick. I just have no delusions about what it is. You can be a gourmet food connoisseur, but sooner or later, we all get those bologna sandwich cravings. That’s Suburban Sasquatch. Cinematic baloney.
Suburban Sasquatch came out in 2004 and is the brainchild of Dave Wascavage. You know it’s a bad sign when 80% of the people credited also have the last name Wascavage. It’s all about Bigfoot rampaging through an apparently very sparsely populated suburban area, while a Native American Mystic pursues him with her magic bow and arrows. Yeah, that’s about it. There are cops, a cover-up, a reporter following the story, blah, blah, blah, but that’s not really important. It’s agonizingly slow and way too long (99 minutes). The acting is awful. The script is beyond bad. Dave Wascavage said in an interview that the budget was $3,500. No, that comma isn’t in the wrong place. I guess it’s impressive that they got a movie out for that. There is such brilliance on display as
- Bigfoot tearing off someone’s leg. Yet, in the next shot, the person clearly has both legs.
- An Indian Mystic who lives in a $30 Bass Pro-Shop clearance tent.
- Bigfoot tears through a CGI door, while the real door is right there on the hinges.
- The Sasquatch has a really nice rack actually. Seriously, look at the tits on Bigfoot! He’s...kinda hot. Dear gods help me.
- Did I mention that Bigfoot can disappear and reappear at will?
- Squatch hits a man in the face, and he falls down with slash marks across his chest. Um, what?
- It actually had a credit that reads “Blood and gore effects for hunter head removal and pants wetting.”
- Etc, etc, etc.
The real selling point here is the special effects. These are special effects in the “Olympics” sense of the word special. I have ranted and raved about CGI before, but this is literally and without exaggeration the worst I have ever seen. Remember Mario Paint for the Super Nintendo? It looks like they were done with that. The “practical effects” are almost as bad. You can see the joint hinges on some of the ripped off mannequin limbs for crying out loud. I’m not going to try to describe effects like these; they just have to be seen.
Folks, I am not a cruel man. Well, at least not to you. I love you guys. For this reason I would never ask you to watch this film all the way through. I never expect anyone to be quite as sick as me. If it looks like something you would dig, feel free, it’s right down there. Just know that I’m not responsible for any brain damage, PTSD, loss of bowel control, or any other condition that might result. Cash Wampum, if you thought Sharktopus was bad, you might want to steer clear of this one. Your head just might explode. What I’ve done is give you a guide to the most mind bending, laugh out loud, ludicrously genius moments in the film. Unless you crave that special kind of abuse this whole movie will put you through if you let it (it won’t even give you a safe word by the way), these scenes are all you need.
NOTE: These times are from the DVD. The youtube count may be a couple of seconds different.
9:20-11:20: The fishing attack. This is the second Sasquatch attack in the film, but the first really classic one. I dare you…no, I DEFY you to keep a straight face the first time you hear the Sasquatch’s trademark “Rawr!” I’ve tried. I failed miserably.
14:30-17:30: Squatch finds Little Timmy playing. Little Timmy runs inside, where his mom delivers the classic line “Monsters are (line flub and recovery) not real like the boogieman or your father, they’re not really there” and sends him back outside. When she sees Squatch menacing Timmy, she tries to fight him off with a broom, American Gladiators style. Timmy then convulses as he watches Bigfoot show his mom how his pimp hand be way strong.
32:00-35:45: The police car scene! Hell yes! In what might be my favorite effects shot ever, Squatch picks up a cop car and throws it. I promise you, you will rewind this one shot multiple times. It might be the funniest thing ever filmed. Then, when Bigfoot walks away, the car is exactly where it was before he picked it up. After a minute of hilarious acting, we get an amazing fight scene with Talla, the Indian warrior, and Squatch. It features CGI rock throwing, an amazing arrow shot, and...this is a historic statement…THE WORST CGI BLOOD OF ALL TIME!
38:50-39:30: Actually, this might be THE WORST CGI BLOOD OF ALL TIME! Then Bigfoot tears a dog in half. It’s a stuffed dog, complete with stuffing falling out. You’d think the filmmakers would try everything they could to make it seem like, oh, I dunno, a real dog, right? In a complete reversal, they actually add in sound effects that sound exactly like fabric tearing. Unbelievable.
54:45-55:55: The scene that blew the makeup budget. Pay special attention to the sound effects when Ol’ Squatchy drinks the blood out of the severed leg.
1:03:20-1:07:00: The hunters vs. Bigfoot scene. It’s almost as good as the police car scene. Some highlights include when all of the hunters inexplicably stop shooting and run single file at Bigfoot, and Squatch doing Jax’s arm rip Fatality from Mortal Kombat 2. The best part is when the hunters throw a net over bigfoot. An actual net. In the next shot, Bigfoot is covered in a CGI net that wriggles like it’s made of weird, black, alien worms. Then, in the next shot, Bigfoot stands up and pulls the REAL net off of him. Don’t think about that one too hard. It hurts.
1:22:00: Best explosion in film history.
1:35:00: “Trust in Thee,” the song played over the credits, is AMAZING. Once again, I defy you to keep a straight face listening to it. Interestingly, it’s performed by Loretta Wascavage, who is either Dave’s Mom or Grandmother. I’m not sure. The best part? “Soundtrack available from Troubled Moon Films.” Wonder how many of those they sold.
That’s it folks. If you have the balls to go back and fill in the blanks, be my guest. As one final treat, here’s an interview with Dave Wascavage. Make sure you read it after watching as much as you dare of Suburban Sasquatch. You’ll wonder how he can be talking about the same flick. Also, while you can watch it online, Brain Damage Films has a copy for $9.99. Why would I buy a copy of a movie I can watch for free and already own on DVD? I have three words for you; making of featurette! I hope you enjoy laughing uproariously at Suburban Sasquatch as much as I do. Honestly, if Ed Wood were alive today, I think he would have said “Dave, bro, I don’t know if you should release this one.” Severed thumbs really aren’t adequate to rate this flick. Just leave a comment so I know you survived.